Weekend Winks – Smiles for Miles

There’s something about Memorial Day that makes it feel like summer has arrived. This past holiday weekend was no different. Van Waffles and I kicked off the fun with brunch at The Sutler that serves bottomless mimosas for $17. I’m sure I ruined that fabulous deal for everyone after my guzzling appearance.

I was more excited about the mimosas. Clearly.

One large group of tourists ordered four rounds of 16 shots while we were there. Four rounds of 16 shots. I can only imagine that their total bill was roughly about what I pay for rent monthly, as they were all having mimosas and food.

My Iowa twins are officially first graders! They celebrated their year in kindergarten by taking a mini vacay to Chicago.

Just a scosh excited about school being out.

Long legs in the Windy City.

Ice cream dreams.

Sometimes you forget the excitement about experiencing something for the first time. Smiles for miles about their first ride in a taxi.

It’s the little things.

Princess B got to go to the American Girl Doll store (which is apparently a rite of passage for kids when visiting Michigan Avenue). Instead of selecting a doll, she opted for a puppy which made my heart just about burst.

Mini me.

Sister CBXB was keeping me updated on the dog shopping and I about died when I received the following message.

Remind you of anyone?

Wonder where she gets it.

A very fancy piece of art was commissioned during the vacay.

Along with a fabulous view.

The fam made it back to Iowa in time for Princess B to attend her last dance class of the year.

Dancing Queen.

Speaking of last classes, I partied it up in honor of VooDoo’s baby girl who is all grown up and now a graduate.

A fabulous future lies ahead.

This was also a bon voyage party for VooDoo who is moving to Alabama in two weeks. Bittersweet but so thrilled for her new adventure.

VooDoo, Boob, First Mate and the Captain.

Because we never have any fun when we’re together, our selfie game got a little sideways. First Mate’s arms lack the length to get more than one face in the frame.

That’s Boob in the way back.

Problem solving skills get better the more booze you consume so when it was time to open the wine with no opener, another genius party goer had the best solution ever. A screw and screwdriver got us thirsty gals our vino.

Red neck wine opener.

Due to the holiday, it was important that we stocked up on libations Sunday evening on the way home from VooDoo’s partay. Although the Nashville Predators failed to make the Stanley Cup this year, the swag was still out and we took full advantage of it for photo ops.

Helmet heads.

Van Waffles was kind enough to carry our loot.

I found the purrfect liquor in which I should be the spokeswoman.

My new favorite shot.

Speaking of cats, The Pussy Posse was in full relaxation mode this weekend. Fabio helped me eat leftovers taking up space in the fridge.

Do leftovers make my body look big?

Ruby Sue lived up to her nickname Thundercunt. She tried to commit suicide by constantly walking my porch railing, she enjoyed scaring the shit our of me while opening and slamming cupboard doors, and tried to suffocate herself in a plastic bag more than once.

Who could stay made at that face?

Scooch is taking cues from Elsa Pants (who can’t make an appearance on this week’s blog because she won’t sit still long enough for me to get a photo of her) and runs like a mad man is chasing him whenever I try to pet him. Poor thing.

Rocky just wanted to sleep and loves to lay on my arm while doing so. He just couldn’t because I had a dry cough that kept him from getting his normal 22 hours of shut eye.

Annoyed.

While we were all in relaxation mode, the weather was really making the rounds. Iowa City West High School students had to take cover at their graduation due to an EF-1 tornado. Thankfully no fatalities have been reported.

No Digity texted me from Vail where it was fucking snowing. At the end of May.

Colorado vs. Tennessee

Winding down after a full weekend ended the way it always does for me. In bubbles.

The purrfect ending.

Here’s hoping your start to summer made you smile.

Cheers!

CBXB

CBXB!

Weekend Winks – Photo Bombs and Egg Hunts

The fun meter was cranked to 11 in Nashville this past weekend, as family came to town to participate in all kinds of shenanigans.

Aunt Crazy Pants graced me with her presence and photo bombing expertise to kick off the monkey business.

Bomber gets bombed.

Double fisting and photo bombs make for fun on a Friday night.

We were making such a quiet commotion at our table that a stranger jumped in on the antics.

Nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you.

Speaking of commotion, the Easter Bunny was getting a run for his money in Iowa as Prince and Princess B practiced their hopping techniques.

Friday night shenanigans.

Trying to out hop the bunny.

Apparently my nephew didn’t inherit my ample ass, as his jumping caused him to fall out of his pull up.

I've never had this problem.

I’ve never had this problem. Ever.

Back at the mini manse, I was busy making sure Aunt Crazy pants stayed far, far away from my precious shoe towers that she tried to demolish last time she was in Music City.

She's baaaaaaack!

She’s baaaaaaack!

And she’s just as loose lipped and talkative as ever…you know, the kind of lady who says whatever she is thinking with no filter. Gotta love that!

Say wha...?! No filter.

Say wha…?!

We were waiting to greet my cousin Tballs (the kid that shit in the baby pool) and his fabulous fam who were coming in to pick up Crazy Pants and take her to Hotlanta to spend time with them.

Tballs

Tballs – cousin

Hussy #5

Hussy #5 – wife

I’m pretty sure you can tell from the pictures above, this couple is zero fun and I was not unhappy to welcome them into the mini manse for some wild times.

Due to the aforementioned wild times, Easter greeted us around noon in Nashville and Teddy couldn’t have been more thrilled.

Image

World’s pissiest bunny.

But at the crack of dawn above the Mason-Dixon Line the twins were up and at ’em racing to see what the furry Easter fella left in the yard.

Iowa eggs.

Iowa egg hunt pajama style.

Princess B scored some fashionable goggles and a Frozen dress.

Goggles consumed

Pretty princess.

While Prince B sifted through the loot one by one.

Eggstravaganza!

Eggstravaganza!

At the mini manse, we were prepping for a leisurely afternoon hunt.

Nashville egg prep with the help of New Cat.

One hungover bunny.

Turns out, one of the girls was far from impressed with what the egg hunt had to offer.

What. Ever.

What. Ever.

Her ‘tude turned around after I slaved over the decision of whether to cook or escort the clan to my beloved Dalts.

Slaved all day in the kitchen.

Happy Thanksgiving, er…I mean Easter.

But the real topper to the weekend was receiving this picture of Princess B who calls this her “Auntie CBXB” outfit.

Identifying with Auntie CBXB. My kinda girl.

My kinda girl.

Naturally, I’ve died and gone to heaven since I have an almost exact replica of yours truly.

Isn’t that just what the world needs?

CBXB

CBXB!

Being Known as the Fun One…

Being known as the ‘fun one’ just might be the death of me.

Hang on.

All laughs and games until you can’t feel your crotch.

While I was visiting my Miami Mini Me and her fam over the Fourth of July, we took their boat out and about. What I thought was going to be an afternoon full of watching the kids with water toys, instead turned into yours truly being a full participant.

Coaxed by cute faces (and a little begging) and with the gracefulness of an elephant, I hoisted myself up onto the Aquaglide (which does anything but glide) while blind as a bat without my prescription sunglasses.

All smiles at first, not knowing what was to come...

All a blur of smiles from my point-of-view.

I plopped my ample derriere in between MMM and her brother, (my ex-Mini Boyfriend as he used to be in love with me but has grown up *sigh* and is into peeps his own age. How appropriate).

Prep

If I hold my hands up like this, will they act as a spoiler for the float?

As we started at the slowest rate possible, I was thinking this ride wouldn’t be so bad after all.

Hee hee. Faster!

That all you got Driver?

Settling in, thinking this was smooth sailing, I heard my MMM shout “FASTER! FASTER! FASTER!”

Wait, seirously? You want to go faster?

Wait, seriously? You want to go faster? SHUT UP!

Being that my ass is the size of the Grand Canyon, I was able to hunker down, keeping us on the water.

Business.

Me and my mad ass skills.

But then came the water to the face. More specifically, to the eyes not protected by my prescription sunnies.

EYE INFECTION ALERT!

EYE INFECTION ALERT!

As you can see, the beautiful lake water is the color of fluorescent moss and slightly stung when hitting my eyeballs. I couldn’t remove my arms that were strategically placed around each kid, therefore unable to shield my face (more importantly mouth) from the lake liquid.

Doesn't taste well, either.

The water tastes as good as it looks.

After being further blinded by the lake as it crept into my eyes and unable to take deep breaths due my soggy lungs, we started to lean.  Not wanting the Aquaglide to win, I hung on for dear life. That is, until I realized my ex-MB was underneath my rear end and I feared smothering him to death.

Descent into the green lake. DO you think the lochness lives in here?

Look closely for the tiny feet under my not-so-tiny hiney.

Clinging

Bracing myself to do a water cartwheel, while not knocking either kid in the noggin.

Inevitable capsize

Inevitable capsize.

The first thing I did after gulping down even more of the lake like it was a gigantic Skinny Pirate, I looked around for both kids, immediately realizing it didn’t matter because I can’t see a damn thing without my glasses on. Then I thankfully felt MMM grab my shoulder and she assured me that my ex-MB was near the boat being picked up.

Phew.

As I was wondering how I could possibly climb the ladder up to the boat due to the lack of feeling below my waist, MMM oh-so-sweetly asked me to ride with her again.

Oh sure, I'll stay on and do it again.

Oh sure, I’m fun! Let’s do it again. KILL ME NOW.

And away we went….

Fuuuuuuuuuuck.

Fuuuuuuuuuuck.

Thankfully most of the bruising has faded away from my backside. And more thankfully, my folks already have grandkids, as I’m not sure anything will ever be the same below my belly button.

But at least I’m known as the ‘fun one’.

CBXB

CBXB!

 

Miami Mini Me

I used to have a boyfriend when I visited Miami. He pulled my chair out for me, brought me endless piles of sea shells from the beach and wanted to fall asleep in my bed (while I sipped on red wine. Nice influence, I know).

Sleep tight and don’t lose your grip on the wine glass tonight!

But a few years makes all the difference and my boyfriend has moved on to more exciting adventures – like playing football on the beach with fellow seven-year-olds, exchanging stats on the Indianapolis Colts with his uncle and reading engaging books on a Kindle. Sigh.

In denial that my small boyfriend no longer adored me, I caught myself a mini me – his younger sister.  When she asked to smell my wine, I warned her she’d think it would smell like feet but after putting her nose in my glass she said “that smells like candy.” Hello twin.

Two peas in a generation gapped pod

Two peas in a generation gapped pod.

After our initial wine conversation, we bonded over the love of sequins, sparkle and sass.  When she wanted to spruce her sweatshirt up with my gaudy earrings, I knew we were besties.

Earring lover

A gal after my own heart!

She was a fabulous shopping assistant – helping me decide if I really needed sparkly, studded sneakers.

Co-sgning on fabulous kicks

Co-signing on fabulous kicks.

Double the trouble, double the fun!

Double the trouble, double the fun!

And when she was able to coerce her uncle into one of her new sequin headbands, my heart swelled with pride.

blah

An uncle sacrificing style for his fabulous niece.

Because I can do the same thing with the men in my life.

Best looking

A dad putting his manliness on hold for his daughter.

Who needs a kid when you can have an adoring mini me?

Go get you one!

Go get you one!

CBXB

CBXB!