Crazier About My Pussy by the Day

If you’ve followed my shenanigans for long, you’re well aware that I am bat shit crazy about my cat Ted and slightly cray cray about the brother I forced upon him last year, New Cat (yep, that’s still his name).

Apparently my deranged feelings for my feline are starting to get out of control, as I went to send a picture to someone of Ted and this is who I tried to text….

Dear Teddy

Realizing no names were populating in the To: bar, it took a good 15 seconds for me to figure out why in the fuck this text wouldn’t send (being blonde is hard work).

I think it’s safe to say that I am now the number one psycho cat lady in Nashville. Hell, maybe in all of the state of Tennessee.

Anyone have a straight jacket I could borrow?

CBXB

CBXB!

Cattail Hour

Who needs humans for happy hour?

Not this bat shit crazy cat lady!

My precious pussy Ted can hardly wait for me to arrive home in the evenings so we can partake in our cattails (of course this is only a mocktail for me before I move onto Skinny Pirates).

Catail time!

Those who cattail together, stay together.

He hates drinking alone at happy hour, so I get my head under the sink with him (yes, you read that right) and liquid my liver up before I master the art of dehydrating it over the weekend.

Drink up!

Drinking alone is no fun.

For those of you feeling bad that New Cat is left out – well, that’s his own fucking fault. His brain is filled with so many dead cells that he lays in the water once the sink has been filled…

And then bitches about it.

…and then bitches about it.

Happy cattailing to you and yours on this fine feline Friday.

Cheers!

CBXB

CBXB!

Weekend Winks – Pussy Party!

My Nashville weekend consisted of celebrating a pussy’s anniversary, twins entering their second year on the planet and seeing a girlfriend move to the beach (that bitch).

Celebrating New Cat not being new anymore.

Yeehaw! New Cat’s not so new anymore.

First Mate packed up her bags and moved her tiny ass to the beaches of Florida on Friday. Now I know you don’t feel sorry for her but can you feel a teeny-weeny tiny sad for me?  She’s one of my only unmarried without children friends who can still do things on a moment’s notice. Poor me…guess I’ll just have to go visit her at the beach.

Bon Voyage First Mate!

Bon Voyage First Mate!

My Iowa twosome were extremely busy gearing up for their second birthday party.

Twosome getting ready for two. Mellow Rreading time.

With a little reading time.

Mellow snow time.

With a little snow time.

Mellow hug time.

With a little hug time.

My folks and I were not only celebrating the twins in Nashville on Saturday but we were also cheering on our Iowa Hawkeye basketball team AND honoring New Cat’s first 365 days in my mini manse.

Impromptu Iowa game watch AND mini celebration for NC

Impromptu Iowa game watch combined with a mini celebration for NC.

We may or may not have done a moonshine shot every single time Iowa made a basket.

Happy with the fifth...

Who needs a touchdown?

No, we really didn’t do that.

Or did we…..?

Lead us to doing toe touches like the Golden Girls.

Relax, that’s just water in my cup.

I really did need some moonshine while trying to stuff New Cat in to his anniversary giddy up.

Not so picture purrfect.

Not so picture purrfect.

But Grammie CBXB brought in an anniversary card accompanied by a felt fish laced with catnip.  Being that I am a person who doesn’t consume anything unhealthy (unless it’s a Skinny Pirate, wine, vodka, moonshine, white whiskey or a fried food – obviously my body is my temple) it never dawned on me that New New would be interested in something that might mellow him the fuck out.

YES PLEASE.

First time for everything.

Mission accomplished.

Mission accomplished.

Helping mellow out Dada CBXB

The poor fish ended up on my dad’s teeny tiny foot.

While we were busy getting felines high, Prince and Princess B were partying hard with birthday cake and candles.

Meanwhile...

All about those babes.

Thankfully they were able to work off their sugar rush in a bouncy house.

Bounced it outta their system.

I can’t wait to jump in there with them.

Turns out, both my nephew and niece take after yours truly (much to the chagrin of their parents) in some special way…

Prince B eats just like his Auntie CBXB.

Prince B eats just like Auntie CBXB.

Why take a tiny bite when you can shove it all in at once?

And Princess B is mastering the art of a selfie.

I might as well have birthed her.

I might as well have birthed her.

No Weekend Winks post would be complete without the star of my life, Mr. Ted E. Bear, who was more than displeased that none of the weekend shenanigans had anything to do with him.

Had it with all of us party goers necause none of it had to do with him.

The world revolves around me. Shut up and let me sleep.

Obviously my cat also takes after me…

Cheers!
CBXB

CBXB!

National Teddy B…er, I Mean Cat Day

It’s National Cat Day folks.

This is the biggest holiday of my year (don’t judge) as most of you know just how cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs I am about my pussy, Teddy B.  He’s the yin to my yang. The side to my kick. The “me” to my “ow”.   So in a dire attempt to make my furball love me all the more, I present you with an ode to the best bear on the planet…

Ahem.

Oh Ted you bring so much joy and good cheer,

Even when your piercing looks could kill.

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Always a sport when I dress you up,

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You never lose your cool when the costume fucks up.

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Cinco de Teddy was a highlight last year and

while I was sure we had matching sombreros,

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I’m pretty sure you were trying to figure out

how to pierce my heart with an arrow.

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Bunny ears aren’t your favorite as you made very clear,

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So I made you a pirate, in which (I kinda think) you revered.

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Today is your day and in honor of you,

I will break out my finest kit cat attire.

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I’ll be sure to slip on your favorite tie  –

before you try to murder me by hire.

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The night will be yours to do as you please.

Whether it includes Skinny Pirates, shots of Jell-O,

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or your favorite vino to help you chill and be mellow.

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 Never once this year did you act blue

when we rescued New Cat

New Cat

and he permanently joined our crew.

Kitty Love

Celebrate you we will with all kinds of fun,

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As my Earth tends to revolve around your sun.

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Happy Teddy Bear Cat Day to all of our furiends!

CBXB

CBXB!

Pussy Patrol

My dynamic duo

My dynamic duo with obvious personality galore.

When I found myself on what felt like death’s doorstep the past few days with stomach flu, I turned to my two pussies to aid in my caretaking.

Down with the sickness.

Down with the sickness.

I mean, it’s the least these little shits could do after all this cat mom has done for her darling Teddy Bear and force adopted New Cat.

Pussy pink eye

Or the time when New Cat had pink eye?

Head butt from a cone head.

And got to wear a cone on his head for three weeks?

So it was heartwarming when my two bitchy beyond high maintenance felines put their furry noggins together, figuring out a way to patrol their sick mother.

Mr. Bear is the brains behind every operation while Mr. Tuxedo is the belly.  Yes, I said belly as this black and white cat looks like he swallowed a 16 pound bowling ball while adorning a head the size of a pin since coming to reside at our mini manse.

Mr. Bear is the brains behind every operation while Mr. Tuxedo is the belly. Yes, I said belly as this cat looks like he swallowed a bowling ball while adorning a head the size of a pin since coming to reside at our mini manse.

Fuck mom. What’s for supper?

Ted decided to throw his thick boned body on my aching stomach for 16.8 hours each day, forcing me to lie as still as a wax statue on display at Madame Tussaud’s museum, so as not to interrupt his day long nap.

Held down his sick mama from moving one inch. All day.

We flipped sides once to alleviate any growing couch sores.

While Ted was busy taking one for the team on the sofa, New New mimicked me by playing dead.

This looks just like her, right?

Looks just how I feel.

When I did make it up off of the couch taking my ass to either the refrigerator or my bed (each destination seemed like a marathon distance) Ted demanded to check everything that went into my body.

Malt Check

Chocolate malt cleared for consumption.

While Tedstar was busy smacking his chops over ice cream, New Cat perused my sack of meds and liquids left by pals at my doorstep.

Inspector Gadget

Inspector Gadget, disappointed at the lack of tuna in the bag.

Each pussy did their best to get in some face time with mama, however.

Face Time

My own personal scarf made out of cat.

Face Time 2

FaceTime at its finest.

Naturally Teddy Bear was exhausted after day one of my illness and he retreated to his Juicy Couture Pussy Palace (where he refers to himself as king) to recuperate from all of his caretaking.

Juicy Pussy Palace

Snuggling down for a 24 hour nap.

It wasn’t until New Cat decided to maul my face that Ted was roused out of his leopard fur tent.

Too close for comfort

Too close for TB’s comfort.

A flash of gray fur rolled passed me fast as a tumbleweed as Teddy resumed his spot on my abdomen.

Lick her lips again and I will end you.

Lick her lips again and I will end you, you fucking new feline you.

The most recent addition to the mini manse was forced to watch all of the snuggling action from the floor as Ted is a master at throwing cold shade at anyone (or cat) that gets in his way.

Ignoring NC

The shut out.

Thing is, New Cat has his own wily ways, as he’s taken pointers from his conniving older brother. Waiting until Bear was snoring in a deep slumber, NC made a leap for my lap, nestling in ass to ass with his not-so-tiny sibling who barely batted an eye due to my mad multitasking abilities (rubbing one pussy’s belly while catching the other…I know, I know impressive).

Three's a crowd.

Three’s a crowd.

While I’m now almost fully mended (Skinny Pirates sound good again!), I’m willing to rent my pussies out to patrol you if you’re feeling under the weather.

You’re welcome in advance.

CBXB

CBXB!