To the Fabulous Fathers Who Rock Our Worlds

Where in the fuck would we be without our dads, father figures, uncles, cousins, and all-around good dudes in our life?

Here is an ode to my dad, the dude who’s taught me quite a few important life lessons worth sharing …

#1) The art of playing dress-up.

One should never take themselves too seriously (doesn’t he make a beautifully awkward-looking woman?).

Kid and Pam. Duo of the Halloween circuit (click here to read about it).

#2) Giving good fashion tips and showing the importance of taking risks.

I may never have rocked neon pink jeans or turquoise sneakers if I hadn’t seen my dad risking it by wearing a pink feather boa.

It takes balls to boa.

#3) Instilling the importance of a family tradition during holidays.

Thus taking this lesson to heart, I’ve turned into a Halloween, Christmas, Valentine’s Day, Easter, anything-that-has-a-theme seasonal maniac.

Pumpkin carving passion 101.

#4) Schooling me on the art of loving your birthday so much, it’s your favorite day of the year.

My birthday is in late March (and if you must know, three months exactly after Christmas), therefore it’s my birthday month. And, although it’s June, I’m still accepting presents and celebratory cocktails. I really took this lesson to heart. Thanks, Dad.

I’m all business when it comes to taking tips on the art of blowing candles out.

#5) Showing the almighty ability to shake it up and party down without spilling your cocktail on the dance floor.

This might be the most important lesson learned from my father. I’ve fallen down stairs, tripped in grass, and jumped into a pool without losing a drop of liquor from my glass. TALENT taught well.

Drip dry dancing machines. Liquor intact!

#6) Establishing the idea that no matter what, your family will be there to pick you up in times of need.

Like the time I accidentally got shit faced at my sister’s bachelorette party and couldn’t walk to the car because my feet hurt.

My heels are killing me! I need a lift.

A family effort trying to throw my dad’s back out.

The dude who’s carried me through life like a champ.

Whether your dad is still cruising the streets or has departed to the big party in the sky, I’m raising my glass to each and everyone this Sunday.

Happy Father’s Day to all of the dads that have rocked our worlds.

We love you.

Cheers!

CBXB

How to Turn Your Dad Into Pamela Anderson

This post is a ghost from a Halloween past…but couldn’t resist sharing again this season.

A few years ago I was dying to dress up as Kid Rock and needed a trashy Pamela Anderson to hang all over me.  Because my dad is no stranger to the spotlight (and always my hero) he leapt at the chance.

But how in the hell do you transform a 6’4″ man into a petite (OK not happening….ever), blond, big busted bombshell?

You start feet first by carefully applying polish to gigantic toes.

Heavy duty gloves for a hazardous job as my dad has a green toe I lovingly refer to as Foot Fungus.

Hoping the thick ass gloves prevent the Foot Fungus from jumping to my body.

Top off the precious pedicure with an orange bow (to make those feet look a teeny tiny bit more feminine and festive).

The bow helps….kinda.

Next, a base for the famous face must be applied as the transformation continues (the application of foundation “hurt his face,” according to this cross dresser).

Suffering to be beautiful has never been this man’s motto.

Also be sure manly Pam has brushed his teeth this century before getting too close.

I learned the hard way and had no breath mint.

The trickiest and final step is squeezing Pamela into her costume because we created her famous rack by stuffing as much quilt batting as possible into nylons.

Even the largest bra found at Wal-Mart had velcro extenders added in order to get the damn thing to clasp shut.

Dying a men’s tank top red (and almost ruining a washer in the process) we applied masking tape to create the Lifeguard logo. I scored the checkered shorts in the very big ladies section at Wal-Mart (go figure), topping man Pam off with a blond wig.

Prettiest Man Pam ever. Right?

But by God, she ended up looking like a fabulous Baywatch knock-off and now all Pamela needed was her handsome rock star flavor, Kid Rock.

This union totally lasted… a whole six months.

Our band of misfits were all gussied up, ready to fill our party drinking cups.

Playmate Crazy Pants, Hugh Hefner, Playmate Mama, Pam Man and yours truly.

With the complete transformation in place, Pammy was (happily, excitedly, thrilled to be) the center of attention. She tended to overshadow even the most glamorous celebrities at the party.

Marilyn Monroe couldn’t help but manhandle Pam’s assets.

Where’s Cher?

Everyone was completely obsessed with Pam’s chest –  even men that view breasts as their day job.

Hugh Hefner couldn’t believe his old man eyes.

This dude who knew this Pam was a dude couldn’t help but motorboat.

But even the ladies couldn’t resist a round with Pamela’s chest.

Lifeguard flotation devices also doubling as head rests.

Although this real life odd couple went on to hit the skids, Kid and Pam were able to let bygones be bygones this particular Halloween.

Is my dad fun or what?

And while this may not be the Pamela Anderson of everyone’s dreams, she’s awfully pretty to me.

Pam Man is the fairest in this Nashville land.

And that my friends is how you transform your studly, ex-NFL playing father into a sex pot.

But let’s not forget, beauty is in the eye of the beholder…

CBXB

How to Turn Your Dad Into Pamela Anderson

This post is a ghost from a Halloween past…but couldn’t resist sharing this season.

A few Halloweens ago I was dying to dress up as Kid Rock and needed a trashy Pamela Anderson to hang all over me. And when my boyfriend at the time refused and because my dad is no stranger to the spotlight (and always my hero) he leaped at the chance.

But how in the hell do you transform a 6’4″ man into a petite (OK, not happening), blonde, big busted bombshell?

You start feet first.

Heavy duty gloves for a heavy-duty job.  My dad has a green toenail (because he’s too cheap to buy the prescription to remedy) that I lovingly refer to as Foot Fungus (hence the gloves).

Carefully apply polish to the gigantic toes.

I’m hoping the heavy-duty gloves ward off Foot Fungus from jumping on my body.

Which are then topped off with an orange bow (to make those feet look a teeny tiny bit more feminine).

The bow helps….kinda.

A base for the famous face must be applied as the transformation continues (the application of foundation “hurt his face,” according to the cross dresser).

Pre-Pam obviously isn’t in tune with the “must suffer to be beautiful” saying.

Stuffing Pamela into her costume proved the most difficult task of all.

Even the largest bra found at Walmart had to have velcro extenders added in order to get the damn thing to clasp.

But by God, she ended up looking like a fabulous Baywatch knock-off.

Prettiest Man Pam ever. Right?

Pam’s famous rack was made by stuffing as much quilt batting as possible into nylons. I dyed a men’s tank top red (because I could not find a women’s XXXL) and applied masking tape to create the Lifeguard logo.  I scored the checkered shorts in the very big ladies section at Walmart (go figure), topping the man Pam off with a blonde wig. And that’s how you transform your studly father into a sex pot.

Now all Pamela needed was her handsome rock star flavor at the time, Kid Rock.

This union will totally last. A year.

With the complete transformation in place, Pam was (happily, excitedly, thrilled to be) the center of attention.  She tended to overshadow even the most glamorous celebrities at the party.

Where’s Marilyn?

And everyone was completely obsessed with Pam’s chest.

Just to give you an idea…

Hugh Hefner couldn’t even believe his eyes.

Cher was beyond excited to rest her weary head on Pam’s gigantic chest.

Even a dude who knew that this Pam was a dude couldn’t help but motorboat.

Even though this real life odd couple went on to hit the skids, Kid and Pam were able to let bygones be bygones this particular Halloween.

Is my dad fun or what?

And while this may not be the Pamela Anderson of everyone’s dreams, she’s awfully pretty to me.

Pamela Anderson, the waaaaay later years version.

But then again, beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

Who’s gotta fun dad to dress up this Halloween?

CBXB

The Real Deal

Two of my favorite blogging buddies – the always curious Knowledge Knut and the logically funny Adrian Charles Horan – nominated me for The Reality Blogger Award.  Now some people pish posh these feel good warm fuzzies but not me, of course.  I accept all praise and pats on the back with open arms (if you already didn’t notice).  So thank you for thinking I’m a real deal…hell to tha yeah!

In order to properly ‘accept’ my award, I will answer the following questions that every blogger who achieves this accomplishment must do:

1. If you could change one thing what would you change? Those who regularly read this blog won’t be surprised by the cray cray in my answer here (for those of you who are just stopping by for the first time today: Hello, I’m Captain and I have a problem. I let my world revolve around a pussy cat). The fact that I may outlast the little furball love of my life, Teddy B, is what I wish to change.  I am not asking to perish at an early age but I would like for him to live forever (but not a moment past me, as he would miss me too much if I was gone. Duh).
   

   Don’t go dyin’ on me now!

2. If you could repeat an age, what would it be? I wouldn’t repeat. Just keep on keepin’ on!
   
   

   Why would I want to repeat this?

3. What one thing really scares you? NOT DIVULGING. I know some of my readers are pranksters and would use it to their advantage!
   

   Me. Getting drunk and singing into a Corkcicle. Scary.

4. What is one dream you have not completed, and do you think you’ll be able to complete it? Well, I’ve run a marathon, which was more like a nightmare than a dream come true…I’ve wanted to sell out arena tours but managed to fill frat houses to the brink of fire code…so next on my list – I’d like to be the spokesperson for Captain Morgan, the Iowa State Fair and cats.  I’d also like to stop pinching pennies, own a forever home in my current neighborhood and go to Europe with an open ended budget where calories don’t count. Now that I’ve listed six, maybe one is attainable. (Probably the cat spokesperson).
   
   

   Star of the Southern frat houses (and not in the way you think. F you).

5. If you could be someone else for one day, who would you be? My cat, obviously.  But a person….I would be Steven Tyler, Kid Rock or Mick Jagger.
   

   Kid, back in the Pamela Anderson days.

Here’s my list of Real Deals:

1. Fresh Scratch – Monday Meal Madness that will tempt your taste buds, along with posts about real life.
2. Non Fashionista – my real life pen pal, all around fashion lover and she reviews all kinds of items, keeping you in the know.
3. Sugar and Spice Baking – passions for baking, health and chocolate. What’s not to love? And scrumptious recipes!
4. Dressed in MY Closet – she likes fuchsia, feathers, Chanel and sparkles. This is a no-brainer!
5. Impress When You Dress – I love admiring her sketches (as she does in place of homework – she rocks!).

The rules to follow if you choose to accept:

1. Acknowledge that blogger on your blog and link back to them
2. Answer the 5 questions presented
3. Nominate 5  bloggers for the award and notify them on their blogs.
4. Copy and paste the award on your blog somewhere

The list of questions to answer are the same as above:

1. If you could change one thing what would you change?

2. If you could repeat an age, what would it be?

3. What one thing really scares you?

4. What is one dream you have not completed, and do you think you’ll be able to complete it?

5. If you could be someone else for one day, who would it be?

I’m going to go and have a Skinny Pirate in celebration.

Cheers – For Reals!

CBXB

Miami Mini Me

I used to have a boyfriend when I visited Miami. He pulled my chair out for me, brought me endless piles of sea shells from the beach and wanted to fall asleep in my bed (while I sipped on red wine. Nice influence, I know).

Sleep tight and don’t lose your grip on the wine glass tonight!

But a few years makes all the difference and my boyfriend has moved on to more exciting adventures – like playing football on the beach with fellow seven-year-olds, exchanging stats on the Indianapolis Colts with his uncle and reading engaging books on a Kindle. Sigh.

In denial that my small boyfriend no longer adored me, I caught myself a mini me – his younger sister.  When she asked to smell my wine, I warned her she’d think it would smell like feet but after putting her nose in my glass she said “that smells like candy.” Hello twin.

Two peas in a generation gapped pod.

After our initial wine conversation, we bonded over the love of sequins, sparkle and sass.  When she wanted to spruce her sweatshirt up with my gaudy earrings, I knew we were besties.

A gal after my own heart!

She was a fabulous shopping assistant – helping me decide if I really needed sparkly, studded sneakers.

Co-signing on fabulous kicks.

Double the trouble, double the fun!

And when she was able to coerce her uncle into one of her new sequin headbands, my heart swelled with pride.

An uncle sacrificing style for his fabulous niece.

Because I can do the same thing with the men in my life.

A dad putting his manliness on hold for his daughter.

Who needs a kid when you can have an adoring mini me?

Go get you one!

CBXB