Beauty and the Beast

My gal pal, who is as pretty, preppy and classy as a Kate Spade clutch and I were recently killing time while waiting on a concert to commence.  And what do ladies do when bored?

Conduct a photo shoot at the table, naturally.

The photographer gave us strict instructions on how to pose for each pic with each of our interpretations having wide range.

Pose #1. Wacky

Kate Spade went for jazz hands, while I went for the trashtacular Miley Cyrus pose.

Wacky

Take 1: Beauty and the Beast – Peace Out.

Pose #2. Sexy

I chose a facial expression which made me resemble a middle-aged woman who just had her lips plumped. Very becoming, I know. Kate Spade went for gangsta cute, which I think she nailed.

Sexy...

Take 2: Beauty and the Beast – Simply irresistible.

Pose #3. Surprise

Naturally I went all out with my photo bombing face. Ms. Spade was unsure of what to do, so she studied my mad skills while I held the pose for a solid six seconds. I don’t even think I blinked.

Taking a gander at my mad skills.

Beauty taking a gander at the Beast’s hand/eye/mouth coordination abilities.

Kate Spade went for a scary surprise, while I was able to keep my “look how big my mouth is and white my teeth are when I wear red lipstick and how I’ve been able to keep my jazz hands as wide as possible due to show choir in high school” pose.

Classy and trashy all in the same pic. Guess which one I am?

Take 3: Classy, accompanied by wide-mouthed white trash.

You know my beastly ways try to keep everything sophisticated.

Always.

CBXB

CBXB!

 

How to Make an Ass of Yourself in a Fancy Vegas Bar

Hey, is that Kate Upton?

Hey, is that Kate Upton? Nope. Just an asshole tourist trying to tear diamond decor from the wall.

It all started with good intentions.

On the last morning of my inaugural Vegas trip, I realized that I’d barely ventured outside of any hotel property I’d stepped foot in (MGM Grand, Hard Rock Casino) and thought it’d be best to check out the strip before heading to the airport to catch a late afternoon flight.

The problem is, we started at The Cosmopolitan where I immediately morphed into a raccoon with all of the sparkly, shiny, lighted decor glowing all around me.

Shoemazing!

A lady who could live in a shoe. A fabulous, high-heeled shoe.

The height of my sensory overload peaked at The Chandelier bar which was a must stop for a late morning cocktail (it’s Vegas, don’t judge. And plus, it’s football season and perfectly acceptable to drink liquor before noon, right?) and where I threw any remaining ounce of classiness out of my body.

Hello Heaven.

Hello Heaven.

We thought one drink wouldn’t hurt before heading out to catch a few last hours of sun and fun down the Las Vegas strip.

Happy breakfast cocktail!

Cheers for breakfast cocktails!

But then we made new friends like Olga from Germany (who had harsh love advice for me but kept padding it with liquor, so I listened).

And this started happening. Over and over.

Then this happened.

Three times the fun!

As the libations kept being poured, we didn’t want our Vegas vacay to end (and I didn’t really want to leave the confines of another hotel property), so we pushed our flight back a few hours in order to keep the day party going (who cared if the new arrangements had us landing at 1am and we had to work the next morning? We certainly didn’t mind. Until the next morning arrived, of course).

If we hadn’t changed our flight, this photo shoot would never have taken place (who really needs to walk the strip, anyhow?).

holla

That’s right. A daytime photo shoot on Vegas hotel stairs might have given me an elbow rash.

And if we’d kept our previous travel plans, I never would have been able to strain my back trying to attain the perfect arch for my new modeling portfolio.

Started off as Gisele

Can someone help me flip over? Please? Seriously. Help.

What would fancy Las Vegas casino bars do without trashtacular tourists such as myself?

Be a million notches classier, perhaps?

CBXB

CBXB!