My Gma the Great

I’ve never been one to take my family or time with them for granted, so it was real bummer when my Gma passed away five years ago. Not only was she one of my best buddies, I know I inherited her brutal honesty, ornery streak, lipstick and love of having my fingernails polished.

To celebrate what would have been her 97th birthday today, an ode to my Gma the great!

Always one to laugh at surprises…

…you took to my photobombing like it was one of your most treasured prizes.

You never let anyone forget…

…when it was time to celebrate you bigger than the national debt.

I learned from the best…

…how to celebrate my life full of zest.

Now seriously Gma, you taught me to party harder than Mae West.

A love of leopard you instilled….

…which is now being passed down to the next generation, who’s thrilled.

It’s so fun you two met at a skating rink…

…even if after 44 years you still had to steal kisses quicker than an eye blink.

Although I took after Gpa avoiding kisses, rather craving a hard drink…

…you always insisted on showing your love, making sure everyone was in sync.

Beauty sleep and a hairnet was apparently all that you needed…

…but truly it was your hairdos that always succeeded.

So it was with glasses and confidence that I superseded…

…the grace and confidence that you always heeded.

I wish I would have felt more impeded.

The Iowa State Fair you never did love,

probably because you couldn’t wear foot gloves.

It will never be the same, not bringing you a corn dog…

…and discussing how I ate my way through the fair like a prize-winning hog.

Circled blacked out dates always meant you had a companion…

…you always loved attention bigger than the Grand Canyon.

Attending every homemade Christmas pageant we made…

…and most likely secretly prayed…

…that I would never end up a lonely old maid.

The first to pass of five sisters, who lived out their misters,

…you loved being pampered more than a fever blister.

Your nails were painted the day before you passed…

…and Jell-O shots without you will seem so miscast.

Regardless of view near or afar, life will never be the same…

…without you as my shining rock star.

Love and miss you Gma.

How to Almost Burn Down a Mini Manse

I’m a woman of many talents.

I photobomb like it’s my career, my dainty laugh makes 80-year-old men want to fight me,  I have a knack for getting strange dudes to send me dick pics and I’m on the brink of being Nashville’s cray cray cat lady.  However, I recently uncovered a new ability of mine when I almost burned my entire apartment complex to the ground with a microwave and a glittery paper plate.

All that glitters is not gold.
It’s more of an orange color with a yellow tint that when combined together create a blaze.

It all started with these gorgeous red paper plates, rimmed in silver sparkles because an ordinary white hue was all too normal for me to purchase.

Food tastes better when combined with glitter, yes?

Maybe it was because I had five one too many Skinny Pirates the night before but I thought it was a good idea to throw the shimmering piece of flimsy cardboard into the microwave in order to heat up chicken fingers (also from the previous evening that may or may not have sat on the counter all night long).

Don’t worry.
I’m sure I have at least 22 brain cells left.

Upon closing the appliance door and setting the timer for 30 seconds, I stepped away from the kitchen, distracted by one of New Cat’s many attempts to commit suicide by sitting on the banister of my second balcony porch.

Thinking long and hard about how rough he has it in my mini manse. Fucker.

In the mere seconds I was away rescuing my idiot pussy, something started happening in the microwave.

A stench started to quickly fill the air.

By the time I got back to the kitchen, flames were bursting through the microwave door as the timer counted down to zero.

For a moment, all I could think about was the loss of my chicken tenders. My hungover ass then snapped out of it and flung the door of the appliance open to find a smoldering, disintegrating plate with burnt to a crisp pieces of poultry attached to it.

So…… sparkles don’t warm well.

Mourning the loss of my food like broken high heel, I was further pissed off thinking that the manufacturer of this piece of shit plate didn’t list any danger warnings about putting a metallic glitter plate into the microwave for all of the dumb asses out there who apparently don’t know foil starts on fire in a microwave like yours truly.

Then I turned the crispy plate over.

I may have missed something here.

Once I realized I wasn’t even close to being the most mediocre genius on the planet, my feelings of grief were geared toward the loss of my beloved red (because white is too normal) microwave that now smelled like a year-long bonfire had taken place inside and ceased to run properly.

The not so sparkly remnants of a small kitchen fire.

Much to my hungover delight, Target (my mothership) had a shiny red appliance just waiting for me on the store shelf later that day.

It’s a kitchen miracle.

Forced to utilize my lingering brain cells, I tried to figure out how to unplug the old glitter cooker from behind the refrigerator without having to move the 250 lb unit.

This might as well have been brain surgery.

You guys, it’s hard being a blonde with so many talents.

Help.

Who wants to come over for a fancy chicken tenders dinner and watch me put my new microwave to use tonight?

Don’t worry, I got new glitter plates.

CBXB