In Heaven There is No Beer…

It’s the most wonderful time of the year (aside from my birthday, Ted’s birthday, Christmas and the Iowa State Fair)!

The white trash classiness that is my life continues as another season of college football kicks off this weekend!

My dad and I started a tradition a few years ago to celebrate every touchdown that our favorite college football team, the Iowa Hawkeyes, scored with a shot of moonshine (this way no matter what the outcome of the game, you can have fun – even if your team sucks – which is how this lovely tradition began. Unless they score nothing of course, and if that’s the case, get a new team).

First shot of the season feels so good!

Our freezer stash of Popcorn Sutton’s Tennessee White Whiskey is prepped and ready to go for the season opener.

Chic shenanigans await.

Problem is this year, Dada CBXB is heading up to see my fave duo on the planet as I type, so we’ll have to resort to our trashtacular tradition via Facetime, which we’ve already mastered in years past.

Miles schmiles.

Being that the Hawks were 12-0 in the regular season last year, we hope our liver tolerance remains in tact for alcohol that makes chest hair grow whether you like it or not. While we’ll be celebrating apart, we have everything we need to round out the first college game day.

Double fisting at its finest.

W-I-N.

Who’s with us?

CBXB

Weekend Winks – Red, White and Booze

Dreary skies didn’t keep the fun out of the Fourth of July holiday weekend in Nashville.  The crew and I were going to have a fabulous time – even if we had to enlist in the party patrol.

Patriotic party on patrol.

Not everyone was in the spirit of celebrating. Prince B wasn’t sure what to think of his new headpiece as he paraded around his kitchen in Iowa.

Serious Statue of Liberty.

While the real life sculpture was sulky, there was zero hesitation on my part whether or not to fete the weekend – no matter how shitty the weather. It was still hot enough for a boat ride accompanied with a bag of wine for classy, cooling off shenanigans.

This can also be used as a pillow if a party goer needs to pass out.

Between the over consumption of vino and the precarious monsoon-like weather, I kept refreshed in the lovely I-don’t-care-why-it’s-brown-because-I’ve-had-too-much-to-drink colored lake.

Cocktails helped keep my composure in the non-crystal clear lake.

Princess B had a much better (smarter, cleaner, safer) way of keeping her body temp in check by slurping on a slice of watermelon.

Star spangled smartie.

Not to be outdone by my niece, I threw on a matching outfit but sipped on something a bit more my speed.

Bringing the best out for a holiday.

Dada CBXB double fisted to stars and stripes forever as he downed a very American meal of … chips and salsa.

Red, white and brew baby.

Meanwhile I was policing my two pussies as they tried to create their own fireworks all weekend by demanding to drink out of the same dish at the same time, acting as if they had their sights set on the last nine ounces of water left on the planet.

Party patrol on high alert.

Here’s hoping you find your own way to keep the blistery summer heat at bay.

Might I suggest something with booze?

Cheers!

CBXB

 

Weekend Winks – Holiday Prep

Oh how happy I am the holiday season is upon us and I have an excuse to drink straight from the bottle (because I’m so classy).

Holidays taste so good.

Packing up my rust bucket as snuggly as Santa’s sleigh, I hauled my Christmas decor back to my mini manse, excited to commence the sparkly gaudiness I like to call seasonal ornamentation.

Pack it up, pack it in.

No room for Rudolph in my sleigh.

Naturally my elves could hardly wait to lay down and take naps on my boxes of goodies as soon as I arrived home.

Inspector Gadget #1 and #2.

Teddy sniffed and pawed every piece of shiny tinsel attached to my pink tree before allowing it to leave the box.

King of the Christmas castle.

He also tried to end up electrocuted like the cat in Griswold Family Christmas but I was able to yank the lights away in the nick of time.

An almost fried pussy cat.

Careful not to lift a paw, my feline duo found the Christmas tree box the most relaxing venue on the planet while I assembled the tree.

Dicks in a box.

And as soon as the pink lights glistened, positions were assumed. Being that this is New Cat’s very first holiday season with us, Ted was slightly perturbed to find that he has to share the tree. I was simply thrilled NC decided not to climb it.

Pissy pussies having to share.

Morphing into an elf, I spent the rest of Friday evening trying to make my pad resemble the North Pole.

As you can tell, I hate Christmas.

While I was busy channeling Santa, my Iowa twins were out and about in the newly fallen snow.

Snow bunnies.

On Saturday we had one final Nashville college football tailgate at my mini manse, cheering on our mediocre at best Iowa Hawkeyes.

Last tailgating treats of the season.

Mr. Bear was so upset that this was the final viewing party that he promptly took a three-hour nap on his grandma’s lap.

Best seat in the house.

Keeping our family tradition alive, my dad and I decided to drink straight from our moonshine bottles in lieu of shot glasses because our Hawkeyes lost yet another game.

Moonshine makes losing less memorable.

By the end of the weekend, the flu found its way to my little Iowa bebes, who’ll hopefully be in recovery before Auntie CBXB gets her hands on them in a few days for Thanksgiving!

Double down with the sickness.

Here’s hoping you and yours stay healthy for a safe and happy holiday week!

CBXB

Weekend Winks – Spanked

Caution: losers ahead.

Friday started out simply fabulous with a chili cook-off at work. Being that I’m not much of a kitchen connoisseur, I opted to be a judge.

Eeny, meeny, miny….

Afterward it was time to go and prep for my dad’s birthday with assistance from my favorite pussy, of course.

What fun would wrapping be without a big fur ball in the way?

Meanwhile in Iowa, my twins were busy making their very first homemade pizza.

Perfectly placing the sauce for Prince B.

While Princess B just. couldn’t. wait.

And the reactions to the ooey gooey goodness were cheesier than the cheese on their pizzas.

Happy pizza lover.

Not only was Saturday my dad’s birthday, it was also an Iowa Hawkeye game day.  My dad was so excited, he grew black and yellow hair overnight.

Two events in one day calls for jazz hands.

Birthday bonanza spread.

Being that my Hawks won big last week, I expected no less this week as Iowa scored first and we happily stuck to our moonshine touchdown tradition.

Who knew we’d basically be one and done?

Little did we know, those seven points would be the only time Iowa would touch the scoreboard until the end very of the game. So to make things more interesting while watching our team get spanked, we celebrated a birthday…

Double fisting gifts.

….we stuffed our faces with my dad’s self proclaimed “best batch of ribs ever”….

They tasted as good as they looked.

… I whipped out the Whopper pie I make every year in honor of Dad growing one year older…

My mix and freeze with ease pie.

… and we did sympathy/birthday/just because shots, as losing a game as badly as we did (14-51) to a mediocre team at best is no fun sober.

Another round of ‘shine, please!

While no sports fan wants to see their team to get their own asses handed to them, at least we were having some fun.

Laughing losers.

Here’s hoping your week is off to a more winning start than mine.

Cheers!

CBXB

My Eye of the Tiger

Rising up, back on the couch

Did my time, ate my cat food

Went the distance, now I’m back for a nap

Just a cat and his will to survive

So many times, it happens too fast

I trade my snoozin’ for eating

Meowing my head off for a full bowl of food

I must fight just to keep my belly plump

It’s the eye of the tiger

It’s the thrill of the my life

Rising up to the challenge of annoying my mama

And the last known survivor

Cries for food late at night

Just to interrupt my mom’s beauty sleep…

’cause I’m a tiger.

Face to face, comfy in A/C

Acting tough, always hungry

Staring Mom down ’til I get what I want

From a cat with mad skills to survive

It’s the eye of the tiger

It’s the thrill of my life

Rising up to the challenge of driving mama to drink,

Forgetting that she already fed me

And I’ll eat to my furry heart’s delight….

‘Cause I think I’m a tiger.

I’ve got the eye of the tiger…

And have my ma right where I want her…

CBXB

Weekend Winks – Thrones ‘n’ Football

Multi-screens in the mini manse, shit dip, moonshine and a brand new throne made this weekend divine.

Revenge of the shit dip.

After what felt like a year-long week, Saturday morning came a little too early after a little bit of boozing on Friday night.

Looking how I feel. And yes, I’m the jackass who wears sunglasses in the supermarket.

I also got my ass handed to me by Princess B – you know, my fact checker for this blog.

Not sure she likes what she’s reading.

She couldn’t stop herself from giving editorial notes while admiring herself on the small screen.

But wait, here’s what it should have looked like.

After enduring the creative notes from my niece, I hustled to get ready for the weekly tailgate my folks and I have each Saturday.

Little did we know this was a spread in search of a game.

Our tasty treats also included my gal pal Katie B’s infamous shit dip. It consists of corn, cream cheese and butter. And it tastes like heaven in your mouth.

And requires a side of toilet paper.

Trust me.

Click here for the recipe

You’re seriously going to need this.

Anyone else have Comcast as their cable provider? Anyone else want to tell Comcast to suck shit?

On Saturday morning, TV the guide listed either my Iowa Hawkeye game or the Penn State game was going to air.

I checked online for the TV listings. No luck.

I called and talked to three different Comcast departments for over an hour with three of the same answers…

“We’re sorry, we can’t tell you what will air.”

How in the hell can the cable provider not know what they’re going to show? How? HOW?

Sure enough, kick-off time rolled around and the Penn State game appeared on TV in the Nashville area. So we turned my mini manse into a multi-screened viewing area with the help of my lap top and live streaming.

Just like a sports bar. Only less classy.

During the TV shenanigans, New Cat became a man whore.

Mauling Gpa.

Mauling Gma.

Mauling Mama.

Not one to miss out on any action, Teddy gave his own version of a lap dance.

An ass to Gma’s face felt appropriate.

Although we had to squint to watch our game, touchdowns still required our family tradition of moonshine shots.

TD Baby!

The halftime show consisted of a pussy trying to commit suicide, another unable to feign any emotion for the suicidal cat and a grandpa oblivious to either scene taking place around him.

Where’s a marching band when you need one?

During the second half of the game New New got so handsy with Gpa that he didn’t want to share, giving anyone that came close a death stare.

Back off or I’ll bite.

I spent the rest of the third in the bathroom due to my copious amounts of my fave dip.

Shit happens.

It was a good thing I’d eaten my weight in corn, as two touchdown and a victory shot waited for me in the fourth quarter.

Popcorn Sutton White Whiskey for everyone!

Which made the rest of the afternoon feel like…

Moonshine mania makes the world spin.

And copious amount of moonshine may or may not be why my masterpiece of a pizza turned out like this for supper…

Don’t drink and cook.

But not surprisingly, I ate it anyway.

Sunday found me admiring my Miami Mini Me’s newest hair accessory.

Yes she’s fabulous. And yes, I’m borrowing that bow!

And what could be more ah-mah-zing than being gifted my very own throne on a lazy afternoon?

Nothing.

Hello my love. How did I ever live without you?!

A classy chair for a trashtacular lady.

While I was careful to use only my wrist to wave so as not to jiggle my arm fat, this one sprawled out on his throne with a jiggly belly proudly exposed.

You want me to wave a paw at you or something? Fuck off.

From our thrones to yours, here’s hoping your week is off to a fabulous start!

CBXB

 

Jell-O Shot Jigglers

Jiggle while you wiggle.

So, I almost had a heart attack of sorts when perusing the aisles of my fave grocery store in Iowa a few weeks ago when laying my eyes on a box that not only boasted my fave college team, it also contained a mold kit for Jell-O. I almost knocked the entire display down (as well as the few people in my way) trying to get over to this genius in a box merchandise.

No one was hurt in the purchase of this Jell-O Jigglers Mold Kit.

Why, it’s just Jell-O in a form resembling my alma mater you say?

To you, yes.

To me, no.

As I am a lover of all things alcoholic, I’m known for never hosting a party that doesn’t include Jell-O shots. Even my family treats Jell-O shots as tradition, having them at all family gatherings (classy, we know).

Hell, even Ted is a fan of spiked jiggly Jell-O.

Pussy approved party shots.

Seeing that I could concoct a gelatinous shot for tailgates every Saturday in celebration of my college football team, I couldn’t wait to get back to Nashville and prepare (so excited in fact that I lugged this mold kit in my carry on just in case my luggage got lost and had in-depth discussions with TSA agents when passing through airport security about how cool I was in doing so).

The $4.99 kit includes two mold trays and four boxes of coordinated-with-your-school-colors Jell-O.

Here’s what it takes to make two trays, which gives you 24 ‘shots’:

1 box of Jell-O

Your choice of vodka (in lieu of water)**

Cooking spray

Vodka not included in the box of happy.

**For lighter shots, you can do a half water and half vodka recipe.**

Unless you’re like me and have zero math skills (thanks to Scooby, I cheated my mathematical way to graduation from 9th grade on – sorry Mrs. Book – because like all kids I never thought I was really going to use anything other than addition in life but unbeknownst to me, I’d needed mad math skills when perfecting my shot recipes. Shit hooks).

What the fuck is half of 2/3 cup? What? WHAT?

So when your brain houses zero calculating skills of any kind, use all vodka in the recipe.

To prepare:

Spray the inside of molds with cooking spray

Use your finger to get the cooking spray into the nooks and crannies of the mold or they’ll turn out less than perfect.    Trust me.

Then boil the water/vodka concoction and dissolve the Jell-O powder. Transfer liquid from cooking pan to a measuring cup (or anything that allows you to pour easily).

Fill molds and refrigerate three hours.

Instructions from the box will tell you to run a knife along the edges of your molds once the Jell-O has set. This method didn’t work so well (and was going to make my Hawkeye mascot look like it’d been mauled by a bear) Mama CBXB (genius shot maker, mind you) suggested placing the cool molds in a few centimeters of warm water and then use a toothpick to loosen the edges.

Coaxing the Jell-O to cooperate.

A hot soak in the sink (and my clean-until-I-licked-it-after-personally-guiding-each-shot-out-of-its-mold finger) did the trick.

Jiggling goodness.

Being that popping the little suckers out of the tray can be tricky (and a tad messy since you used cooking spray), distribute them on a paper towel, then move to a serving tray.

And boom. Hit of the party.

Papa approved.

While Dad and I stuck to our touchdown tradition of moonshine shots, the Jell-O shot jigglers can be a substitution for those who’d like to keep their wits about them on a Saturday.

Moonshine exchange for fraidy cats.

To see if Jell-O gives a rat’s ass about your favorite college team, click here.

Not into sports? How about a holiday?

I found this handsome party treat at Target over the weekend.

Spooky creature kit.

Obviously, you can make these gelatinous treats with no alcohol.

But now how is that any kind of fun?

Jiggle it. Just a little bit.

CBXB