Weekend Winks – Thrones ‘n’ Football

Multi-screens in the mini manse, shit dip, moonshine and a brand new throne made this weekend divine.

Revenge of the shit dip.

Revenge of the shit dip.

After what felt like a year-long week, Saturday morning came a little too early after a little bit of boozing on Friday night.

Looking how I feel...

Looking how I feel. And yes, I’m the jackass who wears sunglasses in the supermarket.

I also got my ass handed to me by Princess B – you know, my fact checker for this blog.

Looking like a beast.

Not sure she likes what she’s reading.

She couldn’t stop herself from giving editorial notes while admiring herself on the small screen.

But wait, here's what it should have looked like.

But wait, here’s what it should have looked like.

After enduring the creative notes from my niece, I hustled to get ready for the weekly tailgate my folks and I have each Saturday.

All dressed up with no game to watch...

Little did we know this was a spread in search of a game.

Our tasty treats also included my gal pal Katie B’s infamous shit dip. It consists of corn, cream cheese and butter. And it tastes like heaven in your mouth.

And requires a side of toilet paper.

Trust me.

Click here for the recipe

You're seriously going to need this.

You’re seriously going to need this.

Anyone else have Comcast as their cable provider? Anyone else want to tell Comcast to suck shit?

On Saturday morning, TV the guide listed either my Iowa Hawkeye game or the Penn State game was going to air.

I checked online for the TV listings. No luck.

I called and talked to three different Comcast departments for over an hour with three of the same answers…

“We’re sorry, we can’t tell you what will air.”

How in the hell can the cable provider not know what they’re going to show? How? HOW?

Sure enough, kick-off time rolled around and the Penn State game appeared on TV in the Nashville area. So we turned my mini manse into a multi-screened viewing area with the help of my lap top and live streaming.

Just like a sports bar. Multi-screen

Just like a sports bar. Only less classy.

During the TV shenanigans, New Cat became a man whore.

Man whore

Mauling Gpa.

Gma

Mauling Gma.

I feed you. I

Mauling Mama.

Not one to miss out on any action, Teddy gave his own version of a lap dance.

Ass to the face.

An ass to Gma’s face felt appropriate.

Although we had to squint to watch our game, touchdowns still required our family tradition of moonshine shots.

Moonshine time!

TD Baby!

The halftime show consisted of a pussy trying to commit suicide, another unable to feign any emotion for the suicidal cat and a grandpa oblivious to either scene taking place around him.

A suicide, an I don't give a shit and a Gpa not paying attention. Halftime show consisted of...

Where’s a marching band when you need one?

During the second half of the game New New got so handsy with Gpa that he didn’t want to share, giving anyone that came close a death stare.

Third quarter snuggle.

Back off or I’ll bite.

I spent the rest of the third in the bathroom due to my copious amounts of my fave dip.

Shit happens.

Shit happens.

It was a good thing I’d eaten my weight in corn, as two touchdown and a victory shot waited for me in the fourth quarter.

A few more of these....

Popcorn Sutton White Whiskey for everyone!

Which made the rest of the afternoon feel like…

Moonshine Mania

Moonshine mania makes the world spin.

And copious amount of moonshine may or may not be why my masterpiece of a pizza turned out like this for supper…

Don't drink and cook.

Don’t drink and cook.

I ate it anyway. Surprise!

But not surprisingly, I ate it anyway.

Sunday found me admiring my Miami Mini Me’s newest hair accessory.

Miami Mini Me and her fabulous hair bow.

Yes she’s fabulous. And yes, I’m borrowing that bow!

And what could be more ah-mah-zing than being gifted my very own throne on a lazy afternoon?

Nothing.

Hello my love. How did I ever live without you?!

Hello my love. How did I ever live without you?!

Waving from my throne.

A classy chair for a trashtacular lady.

While I was careful to use only my wrist to wave so as not to jiggle my arm fat, this one sprawled out on his throne with a jiggly belly proudly exposed.

You want me to wave a paw at you or something?

You want me to wave a paw at you or something? Fuck off.

From our thrones to yours, here’s hoping your week is off to a fabulous start!

CBXB

CBXB!

 

Jell-O Shot Jigglers

Jiggle while you wiggle.

Jiggle while you wiggle.

So, I almost had a heart attack of sorts when perusing the aisles of my fave grocery store in Iowa a few weeks ago when laying my eyes on a box that not only boasted my fave college team, it also contained a mold kit for Jell-O. I almost knocked the entire display down (as well as the few people in my way) trying to get over to this genius in a box merchandise.

Genius in a box.

No one was hurt in the purchase of this Jell-O Jigglers Mold Kit.

Why, it’s just Jell-O in a form resembling my alma mater you say?

To you, yes.

To me, no.

As I am a lover of all things alcoholic, I’m known for never hosting a party that doesn’t include Jell-O shots. Even my family treats Jell-O shots as tradition, having them at all family gatherings (classy, we know).

Hell, even Ted is a fan of spiked jiggly Jell-O.

Teddy approved.

Pussy approved party shots.

Seeing that I could concoct a gelatinous shot for tailgates every Saturday in celebration of my college football team, I couldn’t wait to get back to Nashville and prepare (so excited in fact that I lugged this mold kit in my carry on just in case my luggage got lost and had in-depth discussions with TSA agents when passing through airport security about how cool I was in doing so).

The $4.99 kit includes two mold trays and four boxes of coordinated-with-your-school-colors Jell-O.

Here’s what it takes to make two trays, which gives you 24 ‘shots’:

1 box of Jell-O

Your choice of vodka (in lieu of water)**

Cooking spray

Vodka not included in the box of happy.

Vodka not included in the box of happy.

**For lighter shots, you can do a half water and half vodka recipe.**

Unless you’re like me and have zero math skills (thanks to Scooby, I cheated my mathematical way to graduation from 9th grade on – sorry Mrs. Book – because like all kids I never thought I was really going to use anything other than addition in life but unbeknownst to me, I’d needed mad math skills when perfecting my shot recipes. Shit hooks).

What the fuck is half of 2/3 cup? WHAT?

What the fuck is half of 2/3 cup? What? WHAT?

So when your brain houses zero calculating skills of any kind, use all vodka in the recipe.

To prepare:

Spray the inside of molds with cooking spray

Hawkeye

Use your finger to get the cooking spray into the nooks and crannies of the mold or they’ll turn out less than perfect.    Trust me.

Then boil the water/vodka concoction and dissolve the Jell-O powder. Transfer liquid from cooking pan to a measuring cup (or anything that allows you to pour easily).

Pour

Fill molds and refrigerate three hours.

Instructions from the box will tell you to run a knife along the edges of your molds once the Jell-O has set. This method didn’t work so well (and was going to make my Hawkeye mascot look like it’d been mauled by a bear) Mama CBXB (genius shot maker, mind you) suggested placing the cool molds in a few centimeters of warm water and then use a toothpick to loosen the edges.

Hot soak in the sink wise words from Mama.

Coaxing the Jell-O to cooperate.

A hot soak in the sink (and my clean-until-I-licked-it-after-personally-guiding-each-shot-out-of-its-mold finger) did the trick.

Jiggling goodness.

Jiggling goodness.

Being that popping the little suckers out of the tray can be tricky (and a tad messy since you used cooking spray), distribute them on a paper towel, then move to a serving tray.

Hit of the party...

And boom. Hit of the party.

Field goal fanatics.

Papa approved.

While Dad and I stuck to our touchdown tradition of moonshine shots, the Jell-O shot jigglers can be a substitution for those who’d like to keep their wits about them on a Saturday.

Moonshine shot substitution for those who'd like to keep their wits about them on a Saturday.

Moonshine exchange for fraidy cats.

To see if Jell-O gives a rat’s ass about your favorite college team, click here.

Not into sports? How about a holiday?

I found this handsome party treat at Target over the weekend.

Halloween fun.

Spooky creature kit.

Obviously, you can make these gelatinous treats with no alcohol.

But now how is that any kind of fun?

Jiggle it. Just a little bit.

CBXB

CBXB!

Weekend Winks – Football Fail

The failure of my fave football teams showing up and kicking ass this weekend didn’t deter me from having an overall fabulous time with the fam in our usual Saturday shenanigans.

Jell-O shot jiggler

Jell-O shot jigglers.

Game day began with Ted and I sharing breakfast – he goes straight for the cheese while I stick to my egg.

Pussy approved breakfast.

Pussy approved breakfast.

While my fur ball was busy scarfing down my food, the twins were taste testing apples at an Iowa orchard.

Apple orchard cuties

Apple orchard cuties.

Snow White

Our family’s version of Snow White….

As the Iowa Hawkeyes kickoff drew near, New Cat assumed his position as greeter, anxiously awaiting our arrivals.

Game day greeter

Game day greeter.

The bar was stocked with my dad’s rot gut vodka (Taaka vodka could seriously start your throat on fire if you chose to smoke a cigarette while consuming), my beloved Captain and Popcorn Sutton White Whiskey was on standby for our traditional touchdown shots.

Cocktails - full bar

Stocked bar, warm bellies.

Naturally we can’t have cocktails galore without tasty tailgating treats.

Tailgating tasties

Let the game day grazing begin!

My mini manse morphed into a brief media room when we were unable to get our Hawkeye game on TV due to the previous game running long. Typically this would simply be an inconvenience but since it was our in state rivalry game – the Iowa Hawkeyes vs. the Iowa State Cyclones, we were antsy to get the football show on the bigger screen.

TV fail

Double vision.

My pussies were less than impressed to be kicked off the couch and resorted to the front window, where they plotted how to keep their mother sleepless on a Saturday night.

Waaay into the game.

Your football game is stupid and you will pay.

Ignoring the holes being scorched into my head from the kit cats, moonshine was passed around for two Hawkeye touchdowns.

Touchdown...two in three minutes. #sos

Cockier with every swig of this cocktail.

Busy with moonshine, Skinny Pirates and the football game, I turned my back for one second and found New Cat perusing among the food.

Up to no....

New New is fully of naughty.

And when I whipped back around from scolding the pesky pussy, my Hawkeyes had lost the game by a last second Cyclone field goal.

FAIL.

No bragging rights this year.

Not only did I promise to be done with my team (fair weathered fan right here) this year in my post game misery, Ted wallowed in this disappointing loss by demanding a belly rub.

So upset, he needed a belly rub.

Rub me now, Bitch.

Drowning the rest of my Saturday sorrows in Skinny Pirates, I was able to get my ass to Target (my mothership) Sunday morning for the debut of the Altuzarra for Target line.  And rolling out of bed for this proved worthwhile as Altuzarra produced beyond cute merch that I was able to manhandle, making my football heavy heart skip a beat.

Sunday religion  Altuzarra for Target

My version of church.

Back to the mini manse in time for the Tennessee Titans game, New Cat could barely watch as the Dallas Cowboys kicked some Nashville tail.

Dismal display by the Titans

Is this football bullshit over yet?

Discouraged by the outlook of football season for my teams, I blew off the losing steam with a run in the crispy fall sun.

Lipstick and lunged my way through the park. Let off steam...

Lipstick and lunged my way through the park.

And then I parked it for Sunday night date night with my fave feline.

Wine and pussy time.

Wine and pussy time.

Cheers to a fabulous week my friends!

CBXB!

 

Game Day Gussy Up

Is it possible to look fabulous during football season while waving a foam finger in the air?

Foam finger fail.

Fail at fabulousness.

Ever since I was a kid, wearing college colors for game day has been tradition.

Sporting my dad's college jersey. Yes. He was a football playing stud who also was a cheerleader.

Sporting my dad’s college jersey. Yes, he was a football playing stud who also was a cheerleader. Yes, he will sign an autograph for you.

Now that I’m an Iowa Hawkeye girl (that’s Big Ten Country for you non-sports folks – or anyone that has ever misidentified Iowa as the Potato State, addressed my beloved team as the Iowa Buckeyes or thought Kevin Costner lived there in a magic corn field of dreams) in a Nashville world, I always support my college alma mater while cheering hundreds of miles away.

Wearing my pride on my…

Skirts...

…skirt…

...sequins...

…sequins…

...and sweater.

…and sweater.

But why stop at typical fan wear that anyone can sport? If you’re really a team supporter you’ll be sure to accessorize your head to toe outfit.

Whole lotta Hawk.

With flags.

With rings.

With rings.

Gaudy earrings

With gaudy football earrings.

And let’s not forget the importance of matching our cocktails to our team of choice.

And

Appropriately holds one bottle of wine.

We live, breathe and sleep by our black and gold when it comes to college football season.

Taking it to the limits

Taking true fandom  fabulousness to the limits.

Not wanting anyone to feel left out, the twins are even adorned with adorable Hawkeye gear.

Miniature Herkys.

It’s all fun and football games with Prince B and Princess B.

Being a lady (I use that term loosely) that takes any chance to celebrate, today I’m all gussied up in my finest black and gold threads in honor of College Colors Day (it’s seriously a day supported by The Collegiate Licensing Company).

No, we're not Southern Missisippi.

A gal in need of a Hawkeye throne.

And I wouldn’t be true to myself if I didn’t dress my nails up with matching gaudy polish.

Manicured

Team colored talons.

As for a foam finger, I’ve made a minor substitution in order to keep my family’s moonshine touchdown tradition alive this season.

The end all, be all importance of game day.

Moonshine shots with every seven points scored.

Shots with every seven points scored.

Who needs a foam finger with Hawkeye moonshine?

Now go get your game day gussy up on!

CBXB

CBXB!

Weekend Winks – Sheetfaced Style

Boxed wine, football and a fur ball rounded out my Nashville weekend of fun.

Fangtastic Friday

Fangtastic Friday night compliments of wine trickling out of cardboard.

As I got my vino on, Ted became less and less impressed with being the remote control holder as I thought it grew more and more funny.

Remote holder

My mom can suck it.

Getting my ass out of bed for an early Saturday am hot yoga class (I can still seriously sleep ’til noon like an 11th grader in high school) proved how much I love my mediocre (this year) Iowa Hawkeyes. With an 11am kick off looming as I sweat like a pig, I just kept thinking about all of the tailgating goodies waiting for me.

Sweatin' to shine at hot yoga on Saturday am.

My ass appropriately kicked in 103 heat.

My hard work was rewarded as soon as I stepped foot into my parent’s house. Mom was just setting out all of the spooky tailgating treats.

Treats

I work out, therefore I pig out.

My mom was anxious for me to try the dried beef cheeseball. She remembers having it at her grandma’s when she was a kid and I remember having it when I was at parties as a kid, which apparently means it was the first appetizer ever. In the history of the world.

First appetizer known to man.

First appetizer known to man.

I got the precious bottle of moonshine out, in hopes that we’d be able to keep our extremely classy family tradition of shots after Hawkeye scores alive.

Prepped the shine.

Preppin’ the party punch.

And whatta ya know, our team scored on the opening drive.

Cheers!

Cheers!

But then the game got boring. So yawn worthy that my dad and I couldn’t rip our eyeballs away from our phones.

Booring

Football maniacs.

And my mom couldn’t keep her eyes open.

Napster

Moonshine makes your eyelids heavy.

Camera love

Mom obviously loves a camera as much as I do.

But then, the game suddenly got exciting, dramatic and went into overtime. It was so exciting Dad had to get up and do a dance. Complete with jazz hands.

OT BABY!

OT BABY!

And as the Hawks scored for a game winning touchdown, we were happy to do another moonshine shot. And then another because our team won. Don’t you like our reasoning?

Shots!

Shots make victories taste better.

After keeping my shine glistening all day, I hunkered down on the couch with my favorite fur ball and watched scary shows in my heavily Halloween decorated mini manse.

headless hauting

Headless Halloween fun.

Teddy Kruger got so scared that he ran for cover in his Juicy Couture Pussy Palace.

Juicy Pussy Palace protection

Sleeping through the scary.

After so much horror gore, Mr. Bear couldn’t get out of bed on Sunday so he lolligagged for most of the daylight hours. Which is OK because I need him bright-eyed and bushy-tailed for our upcoming Halloween shenanigans this week…

Lazy Bear

Lazy Bear

I mustered up my own energy and made a version of gumbo. I don’t know what’s come over me (as I typically like to pour my supper from a box into a bowl and douse it with milk) but it turned out pretty damn good (if you like bland, Midwestern, not-at-all-spicy food).

Gumbo

No mumbo jumbo in my gumbo.

As the weekend wound down, I found myself terrified after realizing I’m 27 days late on a homework assignment from the big guy who wears a red suit.

I'm late...uh oh.

I’m already on the naughty list. Surprised?

Hopefully I’ll be forgiven as Halloween is like Christmas to me. Think that will count?

Happy Haunting this week!

CBXB

CBXB!