In Heaven There is No Beer…

It’s the most wonderful time of the year (aside from my birthday, Ted’s birthday, Christmas and the Iowa State Fair)!

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The white trash classiness that is my life continues as another season of college football kicks off this weekend!

My dad and I started a tradition a few years ago to celebrate every touchdown that our favorite college football team, the Iowa Hawkeyes, scored with a shot of moonshine (this way no matter what the outcome of the game, you can have fun – even if your team sucks – which is how this lovely tradition began. Unless they score nothing of course, and if that’s the case, get a new team).

First shot of the season.

First shot of the season feels so good!

Our freezer stash of Popcorn Sutton’s Tennessee White Whiskey is prepped and ready to go for the season opener.

Iced

Chic shenanigans await.

Problem is this year, Dada CBXB is heading up to see my fave duo on the planet as I type, so we’ll have to resort to our trashtacular tradition via Facetime, which we’ve already mastered in years past.

Miles schmiles.

Miles schmiles.

Being that the Hawks were 12-0 in the regular season last year, we hope our liver tolerance remains in tact for alcohol that makes chest hair grow whether you like it or not. While we’ll be celebrating apart, we have everything we need to round out the first college game day.

Double fisting at its finest.

Double fisting at its finest.

W-I-N.

Who’s with us?

CBXB

CBXB!

Three Weeks of Winks – Bruised Legs, Egos and Victories!

You know those times that can just kind of suck you into a funk?

Well, I’ve been there for the past month due to circumstances out of my control (decisions being made for me, being called not-so-friendly names and revolving in a constant run around) but no one is in charge of your happiness but you, right? A swift kick to my own ass and a much needed life break over Thanksgiving helped put the pep back in my step (with help from the knowledge that karma is a mother fucker and the bad juju is not headed my way).

With aid from my brand new phone case that speaks for me without my gigantic yapper even having to open, I’m well on my way to kicking ass again.

Truth

TRUTH.

Taking a rather large spill at the beginning of November pretty much paralyzed my work out (not to my dismay) abilities due to an out-of-commission shin and ankle.

Anger issues, perhaps....

Ah the joys of being a klutz.

But a little leg limp didn’t stop the Nashville party wagon from traveling to St. Louis for Dada CBXB’s birthday, where we were able to meet up with Sister Nuts, who drove down from Iowa.

STL baby!

STL party weekend!

Being that our hotel was directly across the street from Busch Stadium, I became an immediate Cardinals fan upon walking into the gift shop. Naturally I got a leopard and pink Cardinals hat, a silver foiled team jacket and a bedazzled tee.

All in.

All in. Even though I haven’t been to a Cardinals game since I was eight.

And don’t think we didn’t meet up with the Iowa Hawkeye St. Louis club to watch the football game. Aunt Bert and my cousin G were able to hang with us, although you know the birthday boy was the real center of attention.

Family celebration with a front and center star.

Family celebration with a front and center star.

Our traditional touchdown shots were accomplished (we even brought our own lucky shot glasses) as our waiter kept bringing us a ‘bartender’s choice’ after every Hawkeye score against the Indiana Hoosiers.

Bartenders choice? Yes please.

Oh how our waiter Marcus helped make the 9th Hawkeye win of the season a drunken victory!

But because Dada and I are pros, we were still standing when it came time for a real family photo-op.

Still standing for a little fam time.

I even held a baby. I’m so maternal.

Not long after our return from St. Louis, I took another tumble down some concrete stairs injuring my other leg.

Missed five of the six stairs....

This is what happens when you miss five of six stairs.

I ended up with a fractured foot, putting yet another damper on my ability to work out (at least my right bicep is still in full tact, making sure my Skinny Pirates hit the mark every time!).

No, I typically don't have cankles

No, I typically don’t have cankles.

Yet another injury couldn’t slow me down when it comes to Iowa Hawkeye games.  This gimp celebrated with friends at the Nashville Iowa Club party, watching our team move on to 10-0 against the Minnesota Gophers (I mean, what kind of mascot is that?).

Victory is sweet! Er...make that saucy....or let's just call it liver friendly.

Victory is sweet! Er…make that saucy….or let’s just call it liver friendly.

Yep. Waaaay liver friendly.

Yep. Waaaay liver friendly.

The following week, nine inches of snow blanketed the home field at Kinnick Stadium on game day. But the snow removal crew cleverly cleaned the area and it was prepped for kick off against Purdue.

Hawks don't care about nine inches of snow.

Hawks don’t care about nine inches of snow.

My Iowa men were able to pull off a 40-20 win over Purdue, upping our record to 11-0 for the first time in school history (and our football program has been around since 1847).

Another victory!

Fifth shot for yet another victory!

In between football shots and falling down stairs, I visited Miss America who recently added twins to her gaggle of kids (seriously, this woman now has five kids six and under).

Miss America and the 11th runner up.

Miss America and the 11th runner up.

Another adorable set of twins in my life!

Another adorable set of twins in my life!

Speaking of k-ute twins, check out the faces of my Iowa twins after seeing their first snowfall this year.

Snowall can really take breath away.

Oh the wonder of white powder…and yes, I’m talking about snow.

Snowfall means it’s time for expert Christmas tree decorating and if anyone is taking over in that domain, it’s Princess B.

Bottom heavy.

Even if her contributions make for a bottom heavy tree.

Prince and Princess B are also trying to master the art of being under the mistletoe this time of year.

Mistletoe mania.

Almost but not quite.

Yet another set of twins in my life, Clark and Cousin Eddie are not really wanting to leave Dada CBXBs’s abode as he has been spoiling them rotten while Ted is still on the mend for his recent bought with pancreatitis.

Clark and Cousin Eddie

A comfy Clark and Cousin Eddie.

To know me is to know I love Captain Morgan and my Skinny Pirates more than water. I couldn’t love my fur ball Ted more if I’d birthed him myself (yeah, I said it). My birthday and Christmas are my two favorite days of the year, with Halloween coming in at a close third (because why not celebrate as much as humanly possible?).

BUT I can’t say there’s much more I love right now than my Iowa Hawkeyes.  They took to the field against Nebraska this past weekend and won, making school history as no team has ever gone 12-0 in a single season (and here I was just hoping for a winning season).  Although Dada CBXB and I weren’t together, we were able to celebrate our touchdown shots together through FaceTime.

Touchdown shots even though we're 600 miles apart!

Still doing shots 600 miles apart.

I can’t even begin to tell you the excitement of being one of the two undefeated teams in college football right now. And this weekend, we’re packing up and heading to Lucas Oil Field in Indianapolis where the Iowa Hawkeyes will take on the Michigan State Spartans for the Big Ten Championship title.

Even though we’re the underdog going into this game, when a rapper is on your side, shouldn’t that be the team favored to win?

Even this dogg is a fab of the Hawks.

What could go wrong if Snoop Dogg is a fan of the Hawks?

Bandwagon up for my team, pretty please. We’ll need all of the help we can get in an unforgettable season.

Cheers!

CBXB

CBXB!

 

 

 

Trashtacular Family Tradition

The white trash classiness that is my life continues as another season of college football kicked off last week.

My dad and I started a tradition a few years ago to celebrate every touchdown that our favorite college football team, the Iowa Hawkeyes, scored with a shot of moonshine (this way no matter what the outcome of the game, you can have fun – even if your team sucks – which is how this lovely tradition began. Unless they score nothing of course, and if that’s the case, get a new team).

First shot of the season.

First shot of the season feels so good!

Naturally, you can’t do shots of moonshine without something to coat the belly first, so we had our finest tailgating treats out before the 11am kickoff.

Finger lickin' good.

Yes, that’s my blogfamous Shit Dip and you should really try it this weekend.

Our freezer stash of Popcorn Sutton’s Tennessee White Whiskey was prepped and ready to go for the season opener.

Iced

Chic shenanigans await.

Much to our delight, Iowa scored on the opening drive of the game, which meant moonshine was downed at precisely 11:11am on a Saturday morning.

Touchdown Iowa!

Touchdown Iowa!

The second Hawkeyes score of the game came just before noon and we decided it best to flaunt which shot we were on with our digits.

Double the fun!

Double the fun!

In the third quarter, Iowa snuck in another touchdown making the score 24-0, which didn’t disappoint us – although it did make trying to do a selfie with three fingers in the air a tad difficult – but somehow we pulled through.

Triple threat.

Triple threat.

While Iowa let our opponents score twice, we answered with a fourth touchdown, making the final score 31-14.

Waaay funner by the fourth.

Waaay funner by the fourth.

You’d think it was lights out after a four moonshine shot victory but over the last few football seasons we’ve gained quite the tolerance for alcohol that makes chest hair grow whether you like it or not. So, thankfully we had plenty more of everything needed to round out the first college game day.

Double fisting at its finest.

Double fisting at its finest.

And the countdown for next week is on.

Who’s with us?

CBXB

CBXB!

Weekend Winks – Red, White and Booze

Dreary skies didn’t keep the fun out of the Fourth of July holiday weekend in Nashville.  The crew and I were going to have a fabulous time – even if we had to enlist in the party patrol.

Patriotic party patrol.

Patriotic party on patrol.

Not everyone was in the spirit of celebrating. Prince B wasn’t sure what to think of his new headpiece as he paraded around his kitchen in Iowa.

Serious Statue of Liberty.

Serious Statue of Liberty.

While the real life sculpture was sulky, there was zero hesitation on my part whether or not to fete the weekend – no matter how shitty the weather. It was still hot enough for a boat ride accompanied with a bag of wine for classy, cooling off shenanigans.

Wine not?

This can also be used as a pillow if a party goer needs to pass out.

Between the over consumption of vino and the precarious monsoon-like weather, I kept refreshed in the lovely I-don’t-care-why-it’s-brown-because-I’ve-had-too-much-to-drink colored lake.

Cool down in the cool rain.

Cocktails helped keep my composure in the non-crystal clear lake.

Princess B had a much better (smarter, cleaner, safer) way of keeping her body temp in check by slurping on a slice of watermelon.

Keeping cool with water melon.

Star spangled smartie.

Not to be outdone by my niece, I threw on a matching outfit but sipped on something a bit more my speed.

Choosing another route.

Bringing the best out for a holiday.

Dada CBXB double fisted to stars and stripes forever as he downed a very American meal of … chips and salsa.

Double fisting cool down.

Red, white and brew baby.

Meanwhile I was policing my two pussies as they tried to create their own fireworks all weekend by demanding to drink out of the same dish at the same time, acting as if they had their sights set on the last nine ounces of water left on the planet.

Double up cool down

Party patrol on high alert.

Here’s hoping you find your own way to keep the blistery summer heat at bay.

Might I suggest something with booze?

Cheers!

CBXB

CBXB!

 

How to Conduct a Trashtacular Moonshine Toast

Keepin' the family tradition alive...

Keepin’ the family tradition alive…

Being from such a classy clan, we started a tradition a few years ago to celebrate every touchdown or field goal that our favorite college football team, the Iowa Hawkeyes, score with a shot of one’s choice (this way no matter what the outcome of the game, you can have fun – even if your team sucks (which is how this lovely tradition began). Unless they score nothing of course, and if that’s the case, get a new team).

This past weekend, my dad really upped ante (and kept it Southern) by blowing the dust off of a jar of moonshine for our required celebratory shots.

Popcorn Sutton White Whiskey (it's called whiskey instead of moonshine because they pay taxes).

Popcorn Sutton White Whiskey (it’s called white whiskey instead of moonshine because they pay taxes).

In order to prep for a trashtacular toast (and be sure you’re ready for a photo-op), you must first be sure your three free fingers that aren’t holding the shot glass are available for a partial jazz hand.

Digits

Digits prepped and ready.

Second, make sure your ‘do is did. Right before this pic was snapped, my dad said, “I hope I combed my hair.”

Either way, it was too late as the toast was already in motion.

Hair

What hair? The one strand on top of your head?

Next, be sure you prolong the inevitable by clinking your glasses several times.

Don't forget the fingers.

Again, don’t forget the fingers.

Then before you take the shot, say something really clever like my dad, who said, “You know, once you go moonshine you never……….”

*Silence*

*Crickets*

Feel free to borrow this toast whenever you shoot moonshine next.

Down the hatch slowly...

Trepidatious cheers.

Boom!

Down the hatch…

Smooth?

Smooth. But hopefully the Hawks don’t score again until the second half.

Never one to be at a loss for words (unless he’s conducting a toast), my dad concluded our initial shot by saying, “Best shine I ever had.”

My response followed, “Oh no shit, Dad. It’s the first time you’ve ever had moonshine,” (although Popcorn Sutton is awfully tasty – it also mixes well with lemonade or Diet Coke for you white whiskey connoisseurs that aren’t down with our family tradition of straight shooting).

While we were hemming and hawing over the “best shine ever,” the Hawkeyes scored again.

Again?!

For F’s sake. Again?! And again. And again.

So even if your team loses (like ours did in the last ten seconds), you can have some bright, shiny fun watching the game anyway with a little bit of Southern likker.

Cheers!

CBXB

CBXB!