While in Miami, I was fortunate enough to visit Gulfstream Racing and Casino Park. It’s an all-encompassing venue that includes horse races, a casino, shops, restaurants and bars. For me, it was sensory overload. I felt like Teddy seeing sequins reflecting off the wall (what is that? where did that go? which one should I chase first?).
But the best part (for me) was being able to sip a cocktail (surprise!) while casing the joint for our next adventure. So of course, I kept it classy, with a side of trashy tourist (I know you’re shocked) during my visit (I was just missing a gigantic camera with a long lens around my neck to complete my look).
There was a scoreboard that I couldn’t read but had pretty palm trees all around, so of course a picture was snapped.
The actual track seemed huge while they pranced the pretty ponies around (I took this picture for the poinsettias).
Keeping my dream as a Price is Right model alive (I mean, did you see me hand gesture the hell out of a Bently? Better click here if you didn’t), I tried to look as spokesperson-like as possible by my favorite sign.
Hello home away from home….
As soon as I laid eyes on the tiki joint, I put a sold sign up by a chair.
Of course all of the sitting and drinking makes one hungry, so we shelled out the big bucks for the fanciest (worst) nachos in the history of the universe (and at every last crumb).
We had to take a break from the nachos and horses to perform emergency sliver surgery. Don’t worry, we sterilized the needle with a lighter. High class, I know.
Bored waiting on the horses to actually start trotting, we ventured to watch the teeny tiny jockeys (which made me feel as tall as Khloe Kardashian and I am 5’5″ on a good day) prepare to race at the Saddling Paddock. I wanted to ask to get my picture made with one of the jockeys but too terrified I would look like the Jolly Green Giant.
We caught a glimpse of the horses as they were paraded around in a circle.
Once back at our seats we appeared so swanky, our endless movie quoting buddy (“remember that line from Airplane when…” kinda dude) stopped by our table so that we could place bets without having to get up from our very comfortable plastic chairs.
Our place betting friend only collected money, so we had to run (literally from excitement) to collect any winnings.
I didn’t want to bet because I like keeping the money I have (to spend on Captain and clothes), so I went to the bar for another cocktail. And what I saw inspired me to immediately go on a liquid only diet.
To start my food cleanse, I decided it best to double up on the liquids.
Two handing vodka lead to an impromtu photo shoot of all surroundings.
I acted like I’d never seen a tattoo sleeve in my life when I walked briskly behind this guy to get a picture. Any closer and his girlfriend might have decked me.
And I tried to have a little swagger as I moved around the place, trying to look like I ‘fit in.’
I never made an appearance in the casino but really wished I did when I saw what playing the quarter slots could land.
Hundred dollar bills, y’all!
Anyone got a quarter I could borrow?