Trashy Track

While in Miami, I was fortunate enough to visit Gulfstream Racing and Casino Park. It’s an all-encompassing venue that includes horse races, a casino, shops, restaurants and bars. For me, it was sensory overload. I felt like Teddy seeing sequins reflecting off the wall (what is that? where did that go? which one should I chase first?).

But the best part (for me) was being able to sip a cocktail (surprise!) while casing the joint for our next adventure. So of course, I kept it classy, with a side of trashy tourist (I know you’re shocked) during my visit (I was just missing a gigantic camera with a long lens around my neck to complete my look).

I wanted to jump in the cage, just to run out of it.

On your mark…get set…I wanted to run behind the bars, just to ‘make an appearance’ as the doors flew open.

There was a scoreboard that I couldn’t read but had pretty palm trees all around, so of course a picture was snapped.


The actual track seemed huge while they pranced the pretty ponies around (I took this picture for the poinsettias).

What horses?

Keeping my dream as a Price is Right model alive (I mean, did you see me hand gesture the hell out of a Bently? Better click here if you didn’t), I tried to look as spokesperson-like as possible by my favorite sign.

Much like my Price Is Right dream

Keepin’ the game show gesture model hope afloat!

Hello home away from home….

Called my name.

Calling my name.

As soon as I laid eyes on the tiki joint, I put a sold sign up by a chair.

Permanent Residency

Permanent residency.

Of course all of the sitting and drinking makes one hungry, so we shelled out the big bucks for the fanciest (worst) nachos in the history of the universe (and at every last crumb).

Nothing but the best, Clark.

Gut bomb.

We had to take a break from the nachos and horses to perform emergency sliver surgery. Don’t worry, we sterilized the needle with a lighter. High class, I know.

Emergency sliver surgery

Not sure how this was acquired but needed immediate removal. At the dining table.

Bored waiting on the horses to actually start trotting, we ventured to watch the teeny tiny jockeys (which made me feel as tall as Khloe Kardashian and I am 5’5″ on a good day) prepare to race at the Saddling Paddock. I wanted to ask to get my picture made with one of the jockeys but too terrified I would look like the Jolly Green Giant.

So, I took a picture of the sign instead.

We caught a glimpse of the horses as they were paraded around in a circle.

My favorite being paraded.

My favorite number 8! Really, I just like this one because it wore pink, duh.


Look guys, more palm trees!

Once back at our seats we appeared so swanky, our endless movie quoting buddy (“remember that line from Airplane when…” kinda dude) stopped by our table so that we could place bets without having to get up from our very comfortable plastic chairs.

We were so swanky, our movie quoting buddy stopped by our table so we could place bets (then stopped at everyone else's, too).

So flattered…until he walked to the next table.

Our place betting friend only collected money, so we had to run (literally from excitement) to collect any winnings.

Running to collect his $2. Exciting!

Uncle Jimmy sprinting for his $2. Exciting!

I didn’t want to bet because I like keeping the money I have (to spend on Captain and clothes), so I went to the bar for another cocktail. And what I saw inspired me to immediately go on a liquid only diet.

Thinking my bar tender would look a little like the gentlemen who took bets, I decided I needed to double fist after this view.

Bartenders don’t look like this in Nashville.

To start my food cleanse, I decided it best to double up on the liquids.

Seeing her

Thank God I don’t bar tend in Miami!

Two handing vodka lead to an impromtu photo shoot of all surroundings.

Ooh a tractor in MIami definitely calls for a picture, right?

A tractor in Miami definitely calls for a picture, right?

I acted like I’d never seen a tattoo sleeve in my life when I walked briskly behind this guy to get a picture.  Any closer and his girlfriend might have decked me.

Acting like I'd never seen a snake or tattoo sleeve in my life, I took a picture - like any good tourist would do!


And I tried to have a little swagger as I moved around the place, trying to look like I ‘fit in.’

Just prancing around the track

Who me? I’m a local.

I never made an appearance in the casino but really wished I did when I saw what playing the quarter slots could land.

Where this dude spends most of his days..

Where this dude spends most of his days.

Hundred dollar bills, y’all!

Aunt Eenie was the big winner by playing the quarter slots!

Drinks on Aunt Eenie!

Anyone got a quarter I could borrow?


Cheers to a New Year!

Spending the last day of the year on a Miami beach was a tough feat.

Sunglasses always do the trick.

Squeezing out the last bit of 2012 fun.

And I didn’t mind gazing at this gorgeous sunset as I sipped on my happy hour cocktails (booze makes primping so much more fun).

Hard times with a night in Miami

See ya 2012!

Choosing a vodka proved to be as difficult as narrowing down a sparkly ring from Cartier (although I somehow managed).

I cheated on my Skinny Pirates with vodka

Cheating on my Skinny Pirates with Grey Goose.

I had a little help from my favorite Miami Meower, Butterscotch in the attire department.

Wardrobe assistant

Vocal wardrobe assistant (don’t tell Ted)!

I settled on black sequined pants (duh), a fuchsia cardigan and leopard heels, (and yes, that’s my heel in my cup which didn’t deter this party goer from drinking – why would I waste?!).

Nothing but class with bare feet in the posh elevator!

Isn’t everyone chic in Miami (aside from yours truly as I’ve proven)? Here’s a peek at my favorite bartender of the evening, pouring me a much needed glass (or five) of champs.

Bartender Miami Chic

Miami’s version of Hugh Hefner.

And while looking at this handsome Florida gent, I wondered what I was missing in Nashville, as the phone buzzed with a picture of my dad and my curiosity quickly waned.

or Nashville Geek

Miami chic or Nashville geek? Tough choice!

Obviously, you can’t take Nashville out of the girl as I carried my red Solo Cup with me down the elevator.

Red Solo Cups are so chic - only in Miami.

Red Solo Cups are so fancy – in Toby Keith songs.

I realized my true calling during my jaunt to the car…

look but don't touch

Game show gesture model!

I just kept getting better and better as I tried to get ascloseaspossible to this Bentley without spending my New Year’s Eve in the Miami Dade County Jail.

Yes, now I want to work on the Price is Right.

Yes, now I want to work on the Price is Right.

All of the car modeling made me thirsty and I needed to quickly guzzle a martini when we arrived at the bar.

Martini mania

Soothing the three minutes of modeling work.

And after each drink was received, a toast was in order – it was New Year’s Eve after all!

Our 1,345th toast of the evening.

Our 1,345th cheers of the evening.

Which of course led to my expertise in photo bombing (a dying art).


Almost 2013!

And as the clock struck midnight and Ryan Seacrest winked at me, I was pretty sure this is how the evening went…

Although my dreams looked like this...

A handsome group.

Drinking 432 martinis will help you acquire double chin while you sleep (not so good for my modeling career), as well as require a sign to arise from deep, dark (passed out) slumber.

Drinking 432 martinis will give you a double chin while you sleep, as well as require a sign for your to arise from slumber.


A brand new year, same old me.