How to Get Down a Girl’s Pants

Getting to second and third base with a lady is an easy feat….if you’re a camera dude.

Rough, rough job. But somebody's got to mic me.

Rough, rough job. But somebody’s got to mic me.

While filming a sizzle reel for a potential reality TV show a few weeks ago, I got immediately intimate with the camera guy on day one. I think our initial meeting went something like this:

“Hi, I’m Ian. I need to put this mic down your shirt.”

Never one to be shy, I responded with, “Bring it.”

So if you find yourself timid with lackluster skills around the ladies, allow me to suggest a career move to the film industry.

Do this...

No game required to be this guy and still score with ladies.

Being a camera dude (the correct term for this job is Director of Photography but that doesn’t have as good of a ring to it, ya dig?), not only do you get to put your creative thinking cap on, hiding mics in weirdo places like tiny disco balls (yes, only in my mini manse would this problem arise)…

NOt only do you need to put your thinking cap on...and get creative in where to hide mics,

Microphone hider extraordinaire.

…you also get to touch ladies from the tip tops of their heads…

Tip top of her head...

Can you please not palm me?

…down lovely their backsides…

You get to get down a gal's backside.

Even married ladies let you go in for the kill.

…and up the other.

And some frontal action

As you can see, Ian loathes his line of work.

While he was nothing but professional, I couldn’t help but blow Ian shit whenever he was carrying a mic pack toward me.

You want to what, where?

You want to do what to me where?

I gotta feeling you don't hate your job.

This kind of touching usually requires at least $800 worth of liquor, you lucky devil you.

He had no shame.

You dropped the tiny mic down my shirt? *Awkward*

By the end of filming I was all kinds of professionally appropriate and barely noticed when Ian had his hand down my shirt.

Hey-Oh!

Hey-Oh!

As you can see, I hated every second.

CBXB

CBXB!

The Real Housewives of Nashville

You know those reality TV shows where women do nothing but get drunk on cocktails and drama? Well, my gal pals and I recently had an evening full of booze and filming minus the screaming.

After being contacted by a producer to shoot a sizzle reel for a potential reality TV show, I wondered how laborious it really is to be a ‘housewife’ (insert any reality character here). Shooting footage this past weekend I found out first hand that it’s no joke.

For instance, you have to stand and smile with perfect lighting…

Real?

One Southern housewife + one crazy cat lady + one mama-to-be = good TV?

You have to sit and chit-chat endlessly…

Location

Couch work can equate to exhaustion.

We had to document the end of each scene with a photo…

Posers

It’s hard to smile this big.

We had to get our gab on, while trying to look our most fabulous…

Serious phone calls

Serious, serious phone calls.

We were forced to sit and gossip while incorporating a big-headed Teddy Bear

Drinks anyone?

Spotlight on the mighty feline, please!

We were coerced into sitting under hot lights…

Heated discussions

Smoldering trio.

Which forced us to cool off with more libations…

Drinks!

Keeping it classy.

And more cocktails had to be guzzled while setting up between scenes…

Cut! and drink

The grueling process of lounging.

While one of us was hard at work…

Interviewing

Making the magic happen.

The other two of us were very busy bottoming up…

drink our prep away

Seriously prepping for our next take.

To ensure our behavior was within ethical standards, one husband tried to help the producer wrangle three ladies during the evening…

Mr. Husband wrangled us in

Mr. Husband and Miss America (who clearly hates this process).

Of course while we were hurrying up to wait, we had to conduct a selfie photo shoot in the hallway…

Selfie

We hate cameras.

Because being interviewed on film can be compared to forms of torture (obviously), we figured out how to make it less stressful…

Very Serious

Does this martini match my outfit?

Then we had to watch playback of ourselves…

Until playback

Too bad we don’t think we’re entertaining.

As you can see, being filmed is extremely assiduous but we somehow managed to trudge our way through the evening…

Wrap party!

Blowing the testosterone out of the water.

Which led to us to celebrating the only way us Nashville housewives know how…

oh boy

Remnants of a wrap party.

This is obviously serious business.

Which why we can’t wait to do it again.

CBXB

CBXB!