Meowloweens from Halloweens Past

If you think stuffing pets in costumes is ridiculous, you’re gonna wanna divert your eyes.

The fur ball love of my life, Ted E. Bear has been gone for two years now. I couldn’t love any of my Pussy Posse more if I birthed them myself (and yes, I mean that with all of my fucking heart) but Teddy…Tedstar was THE ultimate love of my life. I would give almost anything to have him back with me although I know he’s mauling my Gma, Aunt Crazy Pants, Precious, New Cat and Nicodeamus up above not patiently awaitng my arrival.

When Mr. Bear and I first became connected, he had such a nervous disposition, it took almost two years of work to let me hold him (talk about being careful what you wish for). Once that happened, he was my shadow and I didn’t hate it. So when the art of dressing pets entered my mind, I had some ideas.

His looks could kill. So maybe a bodyguard costume was in order?

The stare that gazed through souls.

Ted always liked to be in control (obvies my baby), so when we’d road trip, he insisted on being in the driver’s seat. So maybe a truck driver costume?

Jesus Teddy take the wheel.

Dental hygiene isn’t something that pussies are fond of but then again, TB was no average feline. And being that we shared everything, he always used my toothbrush. So maybe a dentist costume?

Pearly whites.

Cheese.

Then there was the time I considered how much time I was spending watching my fave TV show, Forensic Files, as Ted mimicked a crime scene. He did this by jumping off the porch into a neighboring bush, leaving an outline of his body and himself ferociously confined to the bottom branches. The removal process should have been filmed for Forensic Files, as you can imagine how calm and tranquil and non dramatic a stuck cat can be.

Maybe a kitty CSI agent costume?

I slowly started introducing props to our costuming atmosphere. I began with a simple cowboy hat, as we lived in Nashville, the home of country music. He really loved it. So much so, he had the hat on for .000000000002 seconds.

Yeefuckinghaw.

After the western attire was a success, why not take it even more south of the border with a sombrero and poncho?

Mad hombre.

Since he obvies loved gussying up, I went out on a limb one Halloween and turned him into a member of the Apidae family, a bee.

Buzz.the.fuck.off.

Not so honey lickin’ good.

I had so much past success, the following year, I decided to not only gussy Ted up but join in on the fun with him. Why couldn’t I do a couple’s costume with my cat? That’s not weird. At all.

We went as Miley Cyrus and Robin Thicke. This was after Miley casually dry humped Robin in front of the world on live television at the MTV Music Awards earlier that year.

No gyrating here.

While it may look like I easily capture award winning selfies, about 8,325,910 photos were taken (I had to take resting breaks for my arm) in order to get the money shot.

Blurred lines.

Tongue lashing.

If Ted could wear sunglasses, he could certainly don a wig, right? The following Halloween, he was the Princess Leia to my Darth Vader.

Ted, I am your mother.

It was super easy getting him into wardrobe.

He don’t want none unless he gets his buns, Hon.

While we didn’t know it was our last time for dress up together, our Batman theme was our best Halloween ever.

Catman.

We’d taken in a sidekick, a cat I found at the dumpster (now that I think about it, I find a lot of fucking things at my dumpster…) and refused to give a name because I didn’t want to keep him even though we all know what happened. He stayed. And kept the name New Cat.

Poor New New had all kinds of anxiety and instead of audibly sighing so loudly the neighbors could hear like Bear, he preferred to hiss and bat his declawed paws at me (people who declaw animals and then dump them have a special place in hell) in defense of looking like a dressed up asshole.

A forced Robin.

Batman, Catwoman and Robin together furever about a split second.

Wishing they had superhero powers to use on their super whack job mama.

Robin’s revolt.

Upon New Cat’s divaesque behavior, Bear and I cuddled up only as a not-awkward-at-all mother and son duo could for our Halloween photo.

Purrfect pair.

I can almost hear the heavy sighs from Ted above right now. Only this time instead of being from forced costume insertion, they’re signs of relief. He was always such a little bitch.

Happy Meowloween!

CBXB!

 

Inside Mr. Ted E. Bear’s Studio

James Lipton, famous for his mad interviewing skills, always asks the same ten questions to every guest on his show Inside the Actor’s Studio (and as I sit on my ass and watch from my leopard couch, I always answer right along).

Because I endlessly talk about myself here, I thought it would only be fitting to interview our my favorite feline fur ball (yes, New Cat is still around but we all know he’s not my fave) who rules the world of CBXB.

I'm very busy napping.

How dare you disrupt my snooze for an interview.

While I’m sure to pay for the sleep interruption later tonight, here are Teddy’s answers to James Lipton’s questions:

What is your favorite word?

Food. DUH.

Most wonderful time of the day.

Most wonderful time of the day.

What is your least favorite word?

No. Which is a word I rarely hear.

With a mug like this, all I ever hear is yes. To everything.

With a mug like this, all I ever hear is yes. To everything.

What turns you on creatively, spiritually or emotionally?

Cattails and naps.

No one likes to drink alone.

Getting the creative juices flowing with cattail hour.

Still trying...

Settling down for an emotionally charged nap.

What turns you off?

Costumes my mother forces me into on a seasonal basis.

Too cool for shades.

Teddy Thicke is too cool for this shit.

Catman

Catman hating life.

What is your favorite curse word?

It’s more of a sound. A hiss, combined with a low meow growl moments before trying to attack my mom who inevitably is forcing me do something I don’t want to do.

Ted is reminding me here that he's my main squeeze (in a very subtle, gentle manner - he take after me).

Done posing for fucking pictures!

What sound or noise do you love?

Tink. (the noise of food hitting my bowl)

I hear tinking!

I hear tinking!

What sound or noise do you hate?

The alarm going off in the morning. I refuse to budge and make my mom wiggle around me like a contortionist, so she doesn’t wake the sleeping Bear.

You want out of this bed? You're going to have to crawl over me.

You want out of this bed? You’re going to have to crawl over me.

What profession other than your own would you like to attempt?

Being that I’m a professional eater, I’d like to try my hand at drinking for a career (I mean, my mom makes it look terribly easy).

Easy peasy.

Easy peasy.

What profession would you not like to do?

Hunt. I prefer my food poured into a bowl for me.

Hunt and Gather

Hunting and gathering fail.

proud feline

Tampons don’t taste good.

If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates?

What took you so long? Your mom is waiting over that rainbow bridge to drink with you.

Holy shit!

There’s my Bear! Come to Mama – I have a fabulous angel costume to force you in!

That may be Mr. Bear’s own private kind of hell…

CBXB

CBXB!

My Pussy Loves Me…He Loves Me Not…

My pussy cat Mr. Ted E. Bear loves to hate me.

All I do.

Truth.

For some odd reason, even though I shower the little love of my life with more affection than a newborn human, he can be so bitchy.  Many times when I’d like to scoop him up for a photo-op, he loves me not.

Kiss me fool

Bitch please.

Still not loving me.

Cheek bite

Getting cheeky.

Forced to love me.

Wranlge

Face of defeat.

Teddy gets extremely annoyed with football season, as every Saturday becomes a drunken moonshine guzzling family affair and he isn’t afraid to showcase his disdain.

Not football friendly. Tailgate fail.

No pussy love for tailgating.

But what I can’t understand is Ted’s pissy behavior when I shove him into his Sunday best…

Can't

Loves me not.

Or dress him up in a bee costume…

Help

Desperately wanting to sting his mother.

Or make him be a version of Robin Thicke to my Miley

Myself

Love me not.

Money shot!

For sure hates my guts.

Or make him the Catman to my Catwoman.

Forced superhero.

Forced superhero.

What I do know is that regardless of whatever giddy up I shove Tedstar into, he always warms up (after some treats are dispersed – green peas are his fave), comes back around (once I have thoroughly massaged between his ears, under his chin with the grand finale of a belly rub) and gets in the saddle once again to be my constant sidekick.

Always got my back.

He’ll claw a bitch.

And when a hungry, crying, soaking wet cat showed up at the door one cold January night, I couldn’t help but take him in and try to find him a permanent home, which ended up being mine. Introducing a new pussy into the mini manse, Mr. Bear wasn’t sure what the fuck I was thinking and proceeded to act as if I ceased to exist.

Who is this and what is it doing in my manse?

Who is this and what is it doing in my manse?

Ted made clear that he was the man in charge, even when it came to the dreaded photos in which I always make him pose.

Who's the boss?

Who’s the boss?

But eventually, I was kicked to the curb and a new love story began to blossom.

Brotherly love.  Just before it broke out into a wrestling match.

Brotherly love.
Just before it broke out into a wrestling match.

But no matter how much my main pussy loves to hate me, we always kiss and make up.

Kiss and make up.

Loves me?

Whether he likes it or not.

CBXB

CBXB!

My Pussy Loves Me, He Loves Me Not

My pussy cat Mr. Ted E. Bear loves to hate me.

All I do.

Truth.

For some odd reason, even though I shower the little love of my life with more affection than a newborn human, he can be so bitchy.  Many times when I’d like to scoop him up for a photo-op, he loves me not.

Kiss me fool

Bitch please.

Still not loving me.

Cheek bite

Getting cheeky.

Forced to love me.

Wranlge

Face of defeat.

Teddy gets extremely annoyed with football season, as every Saturday becomes a drunken moonshine guzzling family affair and he isn’t afraid to showcase his disdain.

Not football friendly. Tailgate fail.

No pussy love for tailgating.

But what I can’t understand is Ted’s pissy behavior when I force him into his Sunday best…

Can't

Loves me not.

Or dress him up in a bee costume…

Help

Desperately wanting to sting his mother.

Or make him be a version of Robin Thicke to my Miley.

Myself

Love me not.

Money shot!

For sure hates my guts.

What I do know is that regardless of whatever giddy up I shove Tedstar into, he always warms up (after some treats are dispersed – green peas are his fave), comes back around (once I have thoroughly massaged between his ears, under his chin with the grande finale of a belly rub) and gets in the saddle once again to be my constant sidekick.

Always got my back.

He’ll claw a bitch.

So no matter how much my pussy love to hate me, we always kiss and make up.

Kiss and make up.

Loves me?

Whether he likes it or not.

CBXB

CBXB!

 

Twerk or Treat

Twerk or treat, smell our feet

Give us something good to eat.

If you don’t, Robin doesn’t care

‘Cause Miley will still pull down her underwear.

Image 28

Happy Haunting.

Robin and Miley

CBXB!