Weekend Winks – Lights, Santa, Action!

The most wonderful time of the year…has been really fucking hard for me to get into the past few seasons. So in an attempt to kick-start my holiday merriment, I went to see the lights at Nashville’s Opryland Hotel on Friday. Every year, they decorate their botanical gardens with millions (or maybe thousands) of lights throughout the property.

Light show captured by @steve_zeinner.

This trip used to be tradition but I just haven’t been in the mood the last three years, so I forced the fucking spirit – even if it almost killed me. Which it did because if you take a look at the doors to your right in the photo, the platform I had to jump up to was well beyond my physical skill set. But goddamnit I got up there.

It only took 8.9 minutes for me to jump onto this platform.

The lights and music did help (along with a few martinis) rally me into the festive spirit.

While I was creating holiday mojo, my Iowa twins were gearing up to ride the Polar Express to see Santa.

Cuteness overload.

Not excited.

At all.

When they finally got to the man in red, Princess B tried putting the moves on him by holding his hand (as I’ve said before I couldn’t have birthed her better myself).

Nothing but love.

While the twins were living it up on the pseudo North Pole, I was taking the newest addition of the mini manse to the vet. For…ultra attractive, not at all disgusting worm treatment.

I had one pissed off pussy on my hands but Fabio took his butt treatment like a champ – and then we also discovered he had ear mites. Poor dude. All is well now and none of the other members of my pussy gang have contracted either squirmy, wormy ailments, thankfully.

Last week when I had family in town, a cactus that was cut from my Grandpa’s (who passed over ten years ago) was delivered to me (thank you S.S.). However, being that I have no green thumbs (pink only for me of course), it’s already turning a bit brown. How do I save it? I’ve seriously had this thing for maybe 12 days and I’m already murdering it. Anyone?

Cactus SOS.

While the spirit of any holiday has been hard to jump into, life in general has been a fucking challenge of late. And, again with friends and supporters like you, it’s all but heart exploding when I get reminders like this from you guys. These reminders always come at the perfect time.

Reminder well received Allidme.

Not sure if you guys remember but I am a huge Iowa Hawkeye football fan. A little earlier this year our mediocre team beat the shit out of a nationally ranked number five team THE Ohio State University Buckeyes whom I loathe (although, this team is the reason Dada CBXB and I started the Touchdown Shot tradition) with a score of 55-24.

And we don’t hate it.

Even though Ohio State went to win the Big Ten Conference championship on Saturday night, they were snubbed hard when the top four selections of teams came out on Sunday, being eeked out by Alabama, thanks in part to the Iowa ass kicking.

You’re welcome Bama fans.

Sorry not sorry for the cockblock of THE Ohio State University.

While running errands to put some holiday touches in the mini manse, I couldn’t believe my alcoholic eyes when I saw Target actually sold corks for decor.

I have about 429 corks around my mini if anyone wants to buy them.

Princess B acquired a cold after all of the Santa excitement. Luckily for everyone involved at her castle, she had her own remedy plan put in place.

I uncorked a bottle of vino (which brings my total to 430) and hopped in the bubbles for a long winter’s bath (even though it’s 70 degrees in Nashville).

Turns out that was an ideal move by yours truly as I sat in over an hour of traffic on a route to work that usually takes me 15 minutes.

Good thing I found this gem shopping yesterday to help with my Monday woes.

Dreams do come true.

All in all, the weekend got me festive enough to slowly start embracing the Christmas cheer.

Ready to get this holidaze shit show started.



Weekend Winks – Santa Style

Santa! I've been good! At least to myself...

Santa! I’ve been good! At least to myself…

What would Christmas be without a workplace dirty Santa party, last-minute shopping and sitting on a red suited man’s lap? I’ll answer for you – it would be beyond boring.

I arrived to work on Friday, greeted by slightly adjusted decorations in my office…

You wanna F with me?

You wanna F with me? Paybacks are a bitch.

Do you have fun like this in your workplace? Too bad.

Our work version of Santa.

Our work version of Santa and his two elves.

Some people take the title of Dirty Santa to heart.

Dirty Santa = Dirty Minds

Dirty Santa = Dirty Minds.

Funny things happen at work parties. Like 8×10 photos of yourself becoming part of the decor.

Fully clothed in a bathtub, naturally.

Fully clothed in a bathtub, naturally.

While I slept off Friday night shenanigans, my twin niece and nephew were frolicking resting in the Iowa snow.  I’d like to call attention to yet another way my overly classy family uses plastic grocery sacks (we already utilize them as Easter baskets and I use them for Ted’s litter pan and Mr. Bear likes to use them as a bed) but please take a closer look at my niece’s feet. No snow boots? If you have a plastic bag, no problemo.

Reduce. Reuse. Recycle.

Reduce. Reuse. Recycle.

After sucking down enough caffeine for all of Santa’s elves, I hopped in my sleigh and headed to the poshest Nashville mall, where I had just enough luck to have sore shoulders from lugging all of the packages around. How does Santa do it?

Santa! I've been good! At least to myself...

Needed: Eight reindeer for package purposes.

What better way to celebrate shopping and First Mate’s birthday than with a strawberry martini?

'tini break.

I’d better rest my weary shopping legs….for three hours.

And as we sat and chit chatted the afternoon away, we came up with the scheme of the season.

Blondes have good ideas, too.

Blondes have good ideas, too.

We thought it’d be a good idea to snuggle up to (I tried not to maul) our favorite man in red and solidify our names on his nice list with our girlie ways (I really needed to after my naughty shenanigans of weekends past).

Santa! I KNOW him!

Think Santa fell for us?

It’s been a year of babymania (there must be something in the water – thank God I drink liquor all the time) and I stopped by the hospital to welcome the newest handsome fella to my circle of friends’ ever expanding brood.

Big E with Auntie CBXB.

Big E with Auntie CBXB.

Famished after all that baby holding I headed to my folks house where we had an early Christmas celebration, as I won’t be joining my fam in Iowa for the big holiday.

Spread it.

Oh the snacking is so delightful…

And because the snacks weren’t enough, I had to stuff my face at dinner as well (thus trying to keep my annual holiday tradition of adding 10 lbs to my already ample derriere alive).

So keep eating...

…and the added pounds are always so frightful.

Turns out I was rewarded for all of my bawdy behavior this year (Santa must have a fun sense of humor).

Hit me.

Naughty girls can finish first.

What’s Ted thinking about all of this endless Christmas celebrating? He can barely be bothered, wanting to sleep the rest of the holiday away.

Sleeping the holiday away.

What a little scrooge!

Whatever this holiday week brings you, we hope it’s full of happiness!




Weekend Winks – Holiday Spirits Style

I welcome Nashville weekends filled with festive felines, bawling babies and parties with open arms. Especially if holiday spirits are (heavily) involved.

Hating life.

My Christmas Bear hating life.

‘Tis the season to drink among colleagues and friends, so what better way to kick off a holiday celebration Friday night than with a quick shot of Fireball?

Festive Fireball

Let the festivities begin!

Tastes like heaven, burns like hell.

Tastes like heaven, burns like hell.

The first shot was so damn delicious, we decided to have another.

So good we'll have another.

My boss and his lush of a work wife.

While I was busy sleeping off the previous night’s libations, my niece and nephew were meeting the man in a red suit for the first time up in Iowa Saturday morning.

Love at first sight.

Love at first sight.

Ever been to Opryland Resort to see the Christmas lights?

If not, go. But bring a cooler in the car as you will be sitting in traffic for a good hour, going 1 mph waiting to park in the hotel lot, as everyone else in the surrounding area of Nashville will be going the same night you do.

Light it up.

The wait will be so worth it.

Another perk of the hotel is being able to carry your drinks around as you ooh and ah over the lights. And since I had a cocktail or two, I felt completely at ease stopping foot traffic, trying to take pictures of none other than yours truly.

Excuse me, I have a blog to capture images for. Traffic stopper.

Excuse me, I have a blog to capture images for, so you’ll have to wait to cross.

I kept wishing my purse was big enough to stuff decor in – like this tree full of teddy bears. I mean, my little fur ball needs this, don’t you think?

Put in my purse?

This 90 foot tree wouldn’t be missed, right?

Doing my best to stay on Santa’s naughty list, I crept off the beaten path for a photo shoot.

Oh what fun it is to be!

I just can’t help myself, Santa!

Glancing at the dark water across the hotel, the thought crossed my mind to test the temperature (and the patience of hotel security).

To swim or not to swim?

To swim or not to swim?

But a Skinny Pirate and a cushy seat (and my immediate laziness as my ass hit the chair) deterred my swimming expedition.

Thinking face.

I think I’ll just have another cocktail, thanks.

Teddy was beyond exhausted upon my return home, nestled in the tidings of gift wrapping joy.

Hurry up and get over.

Why do I even bother buying real cat beds?

You’d think I’d take a cue from Tedstar and just laze around on Sunday but I had one more party to squeeze in before the clock struck midnight and I turned into a working girl (that didn’t sound right…9 to 5er) again on Monday.

The first best part about Sunday?

This. Served warm.

This. Served straight up and warm. Go get some. Now.

The second best part about Sunday evening?

A bathroom that looked like it came straight out of the movie The Shining.

And the very best part of Sunday’s party?

Moonshine shots with friends.

Holiday Holla!

Holiday Holla!

I mean, how else would one spend a Sunday night before a work week?

Cheers to a fabulous Monday for you!



Naughty Listed


Like my ’80s style?

Dear Santa,

I had no intention of ending right smack on the tip-top of your naughty list but I just couldn’t help myself. Attending a party in the former home of my idol, I saw her old dress hanging up in the bathroom.

Santa approved?

Isn’t this a vintage beaut?

I had every intention of simply holding the dress up over my head but seeing that it was wrapped in a plastic garment bag, I didn’t want to suffocate myself (see, even after a few cocktails safety was my first concern – that counts for something, right?).

Think this would fit?

Think this would fit?

Curiosity got the best of me and I just had to see if I could slip into the dress.

Pissy pants

I’m sure anyone near the bathroom wondered what the hell the shrieks of laughter were all about.

And then Santa, I couldn’t stop myself because the dress was actually going to fit! Surely Mrs. Claus has found herself in a similar situation, overly excited about red sequins?

It's gonna fit!

Holy shit – it’s gonna fit!

Seriously! It's on!

Seriously! It’s on!

Now after taking a gander at the beauty of this moment, you realize that I never meant to end up on your naughty list, right?


Naughty. But so worth it.

Now what can I do in the next two weeks to get back over to the gift getting nice side?




Weekend Winks – Sheetfaced Style

Boxed wine, football and a fur ball rounded out my Nashville weekend of fun.

Fangtastic Friday

Fangtastic Friday night compliments of wine trickling out of cardboard.

As I got my vino on, Ted became less and less impressed with being the remote control holder as I thought it grew more and more funny.

Remote holder

My mom can suck it.

Getting my ass out of bed for an early Saturday am hot yoga class (I can still seriously sleep ’til noon like an 11th grader in high school) proved how much I love my mediocre (this year) Iowa Hawkeyes. With an 11am kick off looming as I sweat like a pig, I just kept thinking about all of the tailgating goodies waiting for me.

Sweatin' to shine at hot yoga on Saturday am.

My ass appropriately kicked in 103 heat.

My hard work was rewarded as soon as I stepped foot into my parent’s house. Mom was just setting out all of the spooky tailgating treats.


I work out, therefore I pig out.

My mom was anxious for me to try the dried beef cheeseball. She remembers having it at her grandma’s when she was a kid and I remember having it when I was at parties as a kid, which apparently means it was the first appetizer ever. In the history of the world.

First appetizer known to man.

First appetizer known to man.

I got the precious bottle of moonshine out, in hopes that we’d be able to keep our extremely classy family tradition of shots after Hawkeye scores alive.

Prepped the shine.

Preppin’ the party punch.

And whatta ya know, our team scored on the opening drive.



But then the game got boring. So yawn worthy that my dad and I couldn’t rip our eyeballs away from our phones.


Football maniacs.

And my mom couldn’t keep her eyes open.


Moonshine makes your eyelids heavy.

Camera love

Mom obviously loves a camera as much as I do.

But then, the game suddenly got exciting, dramatic and went into overtime. It was so exciting Dad had to get up and do a dance. Complete with jazz hands.



And as the Hawks scored for a game winning touchdown, we were happy to do another moonshine shot. And then another because our team won. Don’t you like our reasoning?


Shots make victories taste better.

After keeping my shine glistening all day, I hunkered down on the couch with my favorite fur ball and watched scary shows in my heavily Halloween decorated mini manse.

headless hauting

Headless Halloween fun.

Teddy Kruger got so scared that he ran for cover in his Juicy Couture Pussy Palace.

Juicy Pussy Palace protection

Sleeping through the scary.

After so much horror gore, Mr. Bear couldn’t get out of bed on Sunday so he lolligagged for most of the daylight hours. Which is OK because I need him bright-eyed and bushy-tailed for our upcoming Halloween shenanigans this week…

Lazy Bear

Lazy Bear

I mustered up my own energy and made a version of gumbo. I don’t know what’s come over me (as I typically like to pour my supper from a box into a bowl and douse it with milk) but it turned out pretty damn good (if you like bland, Midwestern, not-at-all-spicy food).


No mumbo jumbo in my gumbo.

As the weekend wound down, I found myself terrified after realizing I’m 27 days late on a homework assignment from the big guy who wears a red suit.

I'm late...uh oh.

I’m already on the naughty list. Surprised?

Hopefully I’ll be forgiven as Halloween is like Christmas to me. Think that will count?

Happy Haunting this week!



Weekend Winks

Oh the holidays are here – with Nashville weekend parties of good cheer!

First a “Come as your favorite Tennessean” shin dig.  I went as The King of Rock’n’Roll (in the latter, bloated, bedazzled jumpsuit wearing days).

As Elvis

Elvis and the not so graceful karate pose.

What party is complete without vodka soaked gummy bears?

Reba gets gummied.

An ’80s Reba McEntire gets gummied.

A ladle was used instead of a regular spoon (way too small) for proper vodka bear consumption.

A ladle was used instead of a regular spoon (way too small) for proper vodka bear consumption.

A little recovery with my Bear before heading out to a holiday pot luck on Saturday.

My Christmas Bear and his holiday bowl. Yes, even Ted likes his space decorated for Christmas.

My Christmas Bear and his holiday bowl. Yes, even Ted likes his space decorated for Christmas.

A festive looking Shit Dip for my pot luck appetizer.

For my blog famous Shit Dip recipe, click here.

To get the blog famous Shit Dip recipe, click here.

And of course festive accessories always complete an outfit – even if you have to partially remove a boot to reveal.

I heart Santa all the way down to my socks.

I heart Santa all the way down to my socks.

A host with the most bedazzled my Skinny Skull cocktails.

A green straw, yellow deer, turquoise monkey and fuchsia stirrer made me easily guzzle my cocktails.

A green straw, yellow deer, turquoise monkey and fuchsia stirrer made one hell of a festive drink that I was more than happy to guzzle.

After a few cocktails, the kitchen seemed so bland for a party. Therefore we moved it into the hostess’s newly renovated closet.

Party time photo shoot in the closet after a few rounds of Fireball. Makes sense, doesn't it?

Party time photo shoot in the closet after a few rounds of Fireball. Makes sense, doesn’t it?

Living in Nashville, you never know what star will appear to crash the party.

Nashville's version of KISS member Paul Stanley showed up in the wee hours of the pot luck.

Nashville’s version of KISS member Paul Stanley showed up in the wee hours of the party toting an oh-so-fabulous Louis Vuitton.

And speaking of appearances, the host of the potluck purchased this very lovely snowman sweater off a party-goer at my Christmas party last year.  It was used as chair decor Saturday evening.

The warmest holiday sweater around.

How could you live without this sweater? You don’t. You just get drunk and buy it off of a fellow guest’s back.

And after all of the overindulging on Friday and Saturday, I could only muster a walk to my couch in my leopard onesie for Sunday lazies with Ted.

All this gal could do on Sunday was lay around in my Cray Cray Cat Lady pjs.

Cray Cray Cat Lady lingerie is perfect when nursing a weekend full of fun.

And now, resting up for next week’s parties galore.

Oh the woes of this Captain’s life.


Who Wants a Pink Sparkly Deer Head?

A Cowboys and Crossbones giveaway just in time for the holiday season!

You know you want me.

A few months ago, I blogged about my beloved pink sparkly deer head that’s proudly displayed in my bathroom (click here to read all about it). And people went bananas (unexpectedly went bananas. I actually thought people would stop reading my blog due to my kookiness), flooding my inbox about where the hell I found this one-of-a-kind glittered jewel.

This manly buck knows all of my bathroom beauty secrets.

And now, here’s your chance to win your very own sparkly deer head (what home is complete without one?)! My personal Mrs. Claus (I’m one of Santa’s favorites) commissioned a deer head from the elves that is beyond fabulous and donated it to Cowboys and Crossbones for a holiday giveaway.

An exact replica of Prancer.

This deer is a tad more spectacular than the one I hunted down (I kinda want to keep it for myself)- complete with beads, sequins AND sparkle.  There is a small hole on the back, so you can mount this lovely in any lucky room of your choosing.

Sequins and beads and glitter, oh my! Embellishment heaven.

And fabulous readers, here are the deets for your chance to win this little sparkly slice of Nashville’s CBXB:

Share your favorite holiday memory past or present and include where you intend on displaying this deer no later than Wednesday, November 28th by simply:

1) Leaving your memory in a comment below or

2) Sending me an email at cowboysandcrossbones@yahoo.com with the subject reading Deer Me.

This giveaway is open to all of my kick ass readers across the globe and the winner will be announced Friday, November 30th.

Mrs. Claus will have the final say so in selecting our grand champion, so bring on the holiday spirit (I will be feeding her Skinny Pirates while she judges).

Happy Holidaying –