You can’t take me anywhere.
While in Miami recently, I was lucky enough to be invited to the beyond delicious Bourbon Steak restaurant. I’m sure the staff wanted to run for the hills upon our appearance and hearing my shrill voice laughing at the first photo of the evening which ended up being a group selfie fail compliments of yours truly.
I need longer arms. Or perhaps one of those things Santa delivered every other narcissistic person on the planet for Christmas…a selfie stick!
When entering a fine dining establishment, it’s important to first capture all of your classiness before you disrupt every other diner for two straight hours.
Don’t all restaurant goers get a pic in the entryway?
Hidden trashiness at its finest.
All of your classy efforts will fly right out the window faster than a witch on a broom when you’re unable to decide what to sip on for the evening due to the cocktail menu being as large as an outdated encyclopedia, so you just splurge. No one will look at you funny.
Two is better than one.
Next be sure to capture all of the finest accessories that accompany your experience because if you’re like me, you’re known for whipping together fancy suppers like this…
One of my masterpieces.
So pay no attention when snide looks are thrown your way as you snap a pic of very ordinary items on your lavish dinner table like olives so green it appears as if the Grinch made them.
GREEN OLIVES! HOLY SHIT!
And act cool when a Caesar salad comes out with a swirly bacon hat on top of it.
Is this considered six degrees from Kevin Bacon?
Keep it together when your sushi comes out minus the rice.
If I eat this raw fish I will have the body of Demi Moore, correct?
Being a classless diner means you wolf your food down while everyone else acts like a normal person and eats at a normal speed (and actually chews their food).
Did I do that?
Another thing about fabulously fancy restaurants is their comfortable seating. If you’re too full to move or need to
pass out take a nap, simply lie down and do so.
After double fisting cocktails and stuffing my face so fast I wouldn’t have noticed if I swallowed one of my own rings, I sank into the plush couch where my ample rear resided.
Fancy restaurants require a snooze.
Fancy restaurants require photo bombing.
Fancy restaurants require thumb sucking.
Fancy restaurants require make out sessions with a pillow.
To all of those diners around me, it looked as if I was down for the count.
When you’re back and at ’em again, it’s smart to get your second wind by drinking a martini and coffee at the same time.
Secrets to lasting all night.
Something else that will help you remain
secretly trashy in a classy joint is being joined by a sidekick. Not only did mine expertly photo bomb me, she did the following when I asked her to take yet another picture of me (because I didn’t have enough already)…
Yep, she’s perfect for me.
Once a Sidekick is in residence, it’s important to share every little detail of the fancy eating experience.
So when I discovered a full length mirror with complimentary lighting, I had to get SK in on the adventure.
Oh hello mirror! I’ve never seen myself before. Better get a picture.
Get outta the way bitch. We need the 5,389,013 picture of ourselves tonight!
Victoria’s Secret has not called yet. Weird.
It’s of the utmost importance to act as if dining in such a fine establishment is no big deal, so on your way out of the restaurant don’t make a scene where everyone in the restaurant can see you.
No, that’s not a plastic bag hanging off of SK’s purse as you might expect. It’s a scarf. Because it’s terribly cold in Miami.
But then again, what fun is it dining in a classy place without bringing a little tashtacular attitude?
No fun. No fun at all.