Key West White Trash

White trash can be fabulously trashy, right? Right?!

To me, being white trash is knowing better but doing it anyway, while not giving a rat’s ass what anyone thinks – which is a category I may fall into because I feel it’s better to ask for forgiveness than permission in most cases.

So I brought the fabulous trash to Key West (not on purpose but this trait just tends to shine through on me)…

Checking into the hotel, I spied a hammock screaming for me to come and have happy hour cocktails on it.  I immediately went over and took a seat (if that’s what you call laying on a hammock).

Happy Hammock

Happy Hammock Time

I promptly turned into a Captain Morgan model with no makeup and a shoddy ponytail, while continuously sipping (gulping – I was on vacation don’t judge!) my Skinny Pirates.

Fancy Tails

Fancy Tails

Noticing a wedding taking place behind me on the beach made me think about crashing it but then I’d have to get up off the hammock. No bueno.

This is what a crasher looks like

This is what I look like as a wedding crasher.

And as this nosy gal was trying to sit up for a better view of the nuptials, I ended up flipping the hammock all the way over, landing legs up for all of the tourists trying to enjoy a quiet drink on their patio viewing pleasure. I’m pretty sure I ruined quiet time anyone was trying to have because I was laughing so loudly (a fun or annoying trait of mine, depending on how you look at it)…I think I actually heard a few room doors slam shut. Oops.

My landing view wasn’t all that bad. And then I laid in the sand for a second – 1) to make sure I didn’t break anything and 2) the sand was a nice, fine sand providing a nice, fine cushion. I kinda wanted to take a nap there.

Palm me

Palm me.

While I didn’t end up snoozing under the hammock, my world was a little fuzzy due to the head bump (and four Skinny Pirates I just enjoyed), so didn’t it make sense to jump into this beautiful, fuzzy pool?

On a dare, jump into this fuzzy pool because it seems like a good idea.

This would have felt better in a swimsuit.

Think the classy hijinks stopped there? I wish. Hanging poolside the following day proved to be a lesson in classy for this gal.

A trashy gal hanging at the pool

Tranquil pool no more with CBXB’s arrival.

Heckle the nice lady trying swim laps around the boozers on floaties enjoying their vacation in a non-lap sized pool because she’s making you feel bad about not exercising (and creating a wake in the pool, hence making tipsy people feel tipsier). OK, I didn’t heckle her really but I did sneak a snapshot because she was ultra serious about these laps, wearing a hair cap and a nose plug like an Olympian swimmer.

Why you gotta work out lady?

Why you gotta work out lady while I’m trying to act like a lazy fat ass on vacay?!

Being that I typically stay at hotels where I am required to wear flip-flops like they are a natural part of my feet, I was just getting used to the pool boy bringing cocktails. Then, a gentleman came by and asked if I wanted a frozen towel. Of course I wanted a free frozen towel!

what the...

But what do you do with this thingy?

I mean it felt good against my check but what the…?

Things that make you go, hmm...I usually stay at the super 8 with bed bugs

Things that make you go, hmm…

I took a peek at some classier pool gals and then joined in on the “what you do with a frozen towel fun” after I was able to finally get my frozen towel unrolled by dunking it into the pool (therefore defeating the purpose of the frozeness but oh well).

Burn notice.

Burn notice.

And while I was unintentionally sprinkling my fabulously trashiness all over Key West, I ran (well really spotted from behind) into someone who raised the bar.  This chick was walking hand-in-hand with an albino-like red-head who seemed oblivious to what her shorts read.

there were 1,378 men following this lady and her "shorts"

I Heart Black Guys. Which isn’t a bad thing if you are actually holding hands with a black guy instead of the King of Sunblock.

There were 1,378 men following this lady and her “shorts” (which actually looked like swimsuit bottoms they were so tight) acting like discrete (and not accomplishing) paparazzi, trying to get a picture of this chick (and of course I had to join in the chase to snap this pic).  I actually thought I might see her on the evening news there was so much hoopla surrounding her.

Which made me think I needed to get a pair of shorts that read I Heart Furry Cats. Think I’d get the same reaction?

Just trying to keep it classy.

CBXB

CBXB!