How to Throw Down at a Christening

Prior to witnessing the baptism of your twin niece and nephew, it’s important that they start the day happy.

Rise and Shine!

Rise and Shine!

It’s also equally important to fill up on bottles of adult beverages in preparation for a Christening celebration (that, and the fact that you didn’t start on fire upon entering a church).

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Baptism of twins equals twice the party fun!

Be sure to add personal touches in decorating by displaying pics of those near and dear holding the babies.

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Can you spot CBXB sticking out like a sore thumb?

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My sister, the mother of infant twins, also finds time to create art with all of her spare time.

Food is essential when celebrating babies being dunked in holy water, so have a nice spread.

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Sweets, sandwiches and salads…oh my!

Play kissy face with one of the guests-of-honor when she refuses to go down for a nap (not wanting to miss out on any of the fun…taking after Auntie CBXB!).

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Future social butterfly.

Keep the cocktails flowing with an open bar, new mom and tasty beverages.

Keep the cocktails flowing

Pour me another, please!

Have a camera in hand at all times to catch each and every second of the day drinking celebration (you’re doing it for the babies, of course).

Turn into a tourist

Turn into a tourist in your sister’s home.

All of the photo snapping will make you very thirsty, leading to a case of the double fists.

Double fist in honor of twins...you know a drink for each.

I did this in honor of twins…you know a drink for each.

Force your dad to try drinks unknown to him (which would be anything other than Natty Light and Taaka (rot gut) vodka).

Force feed martinis

Force feed martinis.

Once the party is fully underway, keep the chips and dip within an arm’s reach so as not to starve due to over consumption of wine. Or beer. Or vodka. Or Captain.

Be sure to have the chips and dip CLOSE

Rehydrating with sodium filled potato chips and the best dip ever Anderson Erickson French Onion (one of the best things in Iowa!).

To further the celebration, break out the cigars!

Get out the cigars

Don’t usually smoke? Have a cigar anyhow.

Partaking in cigars when one usually doesn’t smoke leads to the party clock striking midnight and lights out…almost immediately.

Snooze your brains out.

My bed buddy. Not affected by the cigar smoke but clearly happy the party is over.

One can try to sleep the Christening party off the next morning but sometimes you forget that babies get up at the ass crack of dawn. No. Matter. What.

Party pooped out .... well at least I am.

Party pooped out …. well at least I am.

And excitedly remember that babies also tend to only sleep, eat and shit the rest of the day. Score!

Just like her Auntie CBXB

Trying to be just like her Auntie CBXB with a sleep mask. Love!

And that folks is how you thrown down at a Christening.

Bless your heart.

CBXB

CBXB!

How to be a Trashy Tailgater

It’s always a little sad to see college football season slowly winding down after the great anticipation I have for it every August.

I’ve chronicled many of my mini-tailgates I host in Nashville every Saturday – 1,000 miles away from my beloved Iowa Hawkeyes (who are horrible this year, although I still love them – especially Coach Kirk Ferentz) and Kinnick stadium.  So you can imagine my delight when I was able to attend a game this season, complete with the true tailgating experience.

Here’s how you can be a trashy, while classy (?) tailgater…

Miles of walking to a tailgate (which is why I must have been 10 lbs lighter in college) can make coolers icing your tasty beverages beyond heavy.  Do as my friend Eric did and pack your sturdy GAP bag with beer!

Talk about traveling light – your shoulder won’t hurt from lugging around, you can throw it away and no one will guess what’s inside. Genius.

Of course I had to get in on all of the cooler action by posing with it, as I was in such awe.

I will be stealing this idea and substituting beer cans for Captain bottles at future tailgates.

Upon reaching your destination, it’s important to set up shop.

See that sweet bus and tent in the back? Yeah, that’s not ours…check out the blue cooler and umbrellas in front. That’s how we roll. Nice ‘n’ easy.

There’s no need to bring a mirror to a tailgate – one can just look into sunglasses to check out the ‘do.

Lookin’ good.

After primping is complete, when a dude with a fancy camera says he’s documenting tailgaters for HawkeyeReport.com (we’re the third picture) say yes.

Of course we stopped what we were doing to say cheese (my dad and I hate attention).  Just as the photo was snapped some ass in the background said, “she’d take her pants off if you asked her too.” Yes, that’s the kind of classy folks I keep company with – and for the record, my pants stay on – unless Hugh Hefner calls.

So you’re saying we’re famous on the internet then, right?

With my star status on the Web established, I thought my day could not possibly get any better. Then, as I turned around, my eyes hit the glossiest beak in all of college sports. HERKY THE HAWK was driving through the tailgate! This was my one shot to get a photo with my favorite famous bird.

It will make your tailgating experience much more fun if you get a picture with the mascot.

It’s him! In the flesh. Ohmygod!

Skinny pirates pumping through my veins, I felt it suffice to run along the cart and beg Herky to either let me on or jump off into my arms and take a mother f’n photo.

Stop! Wait! I love you! I just want to get my…Jesus I’m out of shape.

Needless to say, I acted like a gigantic asshole but yes, you guessed it, I didn’t care. I got my picture made (kind of) with Herky!

As the tailgaters were heading into the game, we felt it necessary (and easier now that the parking lots were cleared out) to take pictures with their vehicles.  This way, there’s no need to invest in a $80,000 party prop.

Ain’t she a beaut? Now don’t go falling in love with it because…it’s not yours.

I was way too cool (duh) to pose in front of someone else’s tailgating property (eye roll) but not too classy to keep from snapping a shot of my dream bus while crossing the street.  It’s even appropriately called Team Alcohawk for our tailgating crew. Oh boy.

I’m immediately saving all of my pennies up for this bus.

As we strolled into the stadium (with Captain hid in appropriate places), I knew my real, live tailgating experience was coming to an end this year.  If only Herky had stopped to pose…

And wouldn’t you know, fate stepped in and stopped Herky for me (not in the flesh…more in a cardboard cutout kind of way) while I was stock piling up on AE dip for our red neck road trip back to Nashville (you’re white trash in the North, red neck below the Mason Dixon Line – keep up with me, people!).

The morning after the day long drinking celebration (looking oh-so-pretty, I know), I about knocked over two grocery clerks trying to make my way to Herky.

Some things are just meant to be.

CBXB