Presidential Pussy

Have I mentioned that Mr. Ted E. Bear, the little fur ball love of my life is running for President in 2016?

Truth.

It all started when our buddy Phil Lanoue caught President Obama giving Ted a commemorative plaque for his abilities to party like no other cat.

POTUS pussy party.

And now compliments of our bestie @WanderinPoet, Teddy (who can’t fit his now lion’s sized head through any doorway in our mini manse) is running a full on campaign via Twitter.

My presidential candidate also has a very large campaign staff with many of our Twitter friends filling the positions with my dad being Head of Security.  He’s the menacing fella below…

Extremely threatening security guard.

The KaDoh! Institute blog captured several of Mr. Bear’s campaign stops, so please feast your eyes on my already self-absorbed feline…

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Teddy For President Webisode by the KaDoh! Institute

Humor Webisodes, Teddy For President#Teddy4Pres, @big1benny, @cowboysxbones, @Koustave, @stevieboylan, @tripghetaway, Cowboys and Crossbones, Humor, Humor Webisodes, Political Humor, Steve BoylanKaDoh Inst.

@CowboysXBones cat, Teddy, is running for President in 2016.

His campaign is in full swing, and he has criss crossed the country on campaign stops and appeared on Jimmy Kimmel and Arsenio.

He has not declared a party as yet, and may run as an Independent!

Cast: @WanderinPoet, @big1benny, @Koustave, @StevieBoylan @TripGhetaway, @YJewelle, and yours truly…@CowboysXBones.

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I’m sure there will be an over abundance of interesting campaign stops that we’ll be sharing with you.

Just remember as you are bombarded with political commercials, phone calls and door-to-door supporters…

VOTE CAT OR SCAT!

CBXB

 

 

Match Made in Pussy Heaven

Recently when it comes to my main fur ball squeeze Ted I find myself constantly sounding like a raggedy old Girl Scout telling him “make new furiends but keep the old…”

This always falls on deaf ears because we all know that Teddy doesn’t have any old acquaintances because he’s too busy hoarding his own time with his fabulous self that he doesn’t see the need for furiends. But ever since we found New Cat (that I refused to name in order to avoid developing feelings and keeping him – and you can see how that worked out) starving at our doorstep on a freezing January night I’ve been gently trying force, coerce nudge Mr. Ted E. Bear into an amicable relationship with his furry companion that is constantly invading his space.

Teddy and the Tuxedo Space Invader.

While there has been minimal hissing and an occasional wrestling match, these two pussies have gotten along pretty damn well over the past five months.

Except for the time that Tedstar pushed New Cat into a bathtub full of water and yours truly.

And except for the other time when NC was thrust out of the photo spotlight by my camera hog of a fur baby.

Pushy pushy pussy.

Much to his dismay all Mr. Tuxedo has wanted since his arrival to our mini manse is a little love and attention from his much older, aloof, bitchy feline roommate. So you can imagine my surprise when I saw this sight on my patio a few days ago….

A little brotherly love.

And much to my shock, Ted returned the love.

Of course as soon as I breathed a little too loudly, both cats looked like they’d lost their tongues.

What the fuck are you looking at?

New Cat seemed to think this little licking action meant he and Teddy were finally butt brothers after five months of buttering up to the Mighty Gray One.

Later that same evening they were ass to ass.

Literally.

I thought Ted was really starting to warm up to New Cat as I glanced down later that evening to find that he allowed the newest resident up onto our bed.

A tumbleweed blew through as I caught this scene.

You see, the bed is Ted’s domain. He is carried (yes I said carried even though he has four perfectly purrfect paws – stop judging me) to bed every evening where he begins with a bath at the bottom right corner and ends up on a silky pillow of bliss by morning.

I put a pea under that pillow just to see if he’d notice it.

Just as I’m about to leave for work, His Royal Highness Teddy Bear decides it’s time to switch positions on his majestic throne, settling in for a day of napping on pink sheets.

Taking the day shift between the sheets.

As you can see there is zero room for any other furry being on this bed of Ted’s, which is why I was slightly touched that TB was starting to share his domain with our newest resident.

Turns out, it was a fluke. Because the following night, Mr. Bear maneuvered himself right in the middle of the bed basically cock blocking New Cat from hoarding even one ounce of the crib.

Mine all mine Bitches.

Curious that I didn’t hear a peep out of NC all night, I almost broke my neck the next morning tripping over the stiff, dramatic loner on the hallway floor as I went to check on the black and white baby.

Newie has definitely been taking pointers from Teddy.

As Ted emerged from his deep slumber, I heard him heave a heavy sigh as he pranced past the possum playing New Cat on his way to breakfast.

Two drama kings under one roof….seems like I have a match made in pussy heaven, doesn’t it?

CBXB

 

How to Get Rid of Your Pussy’s Bad Breath

Brusha brusha brusha…

My cat Mr. Ted E. Bear thinks he’s perfect (what cat doesn’t?) and while I tend to agree with him 99% of the time there is one teeny tiny area where he could use some improvement. His morning breath.

Dude. No kissing ’til you brush.

My fur ball almost makes me keel over when he opens his mouth as wide as possible, yawning stale duck food and cat ass breath in my face every morning (naturally, I yawn last night’s Skinny Pirate breath right back into his whiskers).

Caution: potent breath reaches up to three feet.

February is National Pet Dental Health Month and while not every pet needs their teeth cleaned professionally my kit cat does. Ted is already high maintenance ($60 bags of allergy cat food – he demands the duck and pea combo) due to neglect by his first hoarder owner (he was rescued in a one bedroom apartment with 30 cats).  Because my little bear didn’t receive the appropriate shots before being rescued, he’s susceptible to EVERYTHING, which is why I have to get his chompers cleaned every other year in order to prevent gingivitis and infections.

You will feed me duck and pea food. And you will like it.

Tedstar never sometimes realizes how high maintenance he tends to be (the aforementioned cost of his food) and knows that I’m pinching pennies. So trying to help me alleviate a $175 pet dental bill, I walked into the bathroom one morning and saw Mr. Bear eyeing my toothbrush…

Hmm…what kind of toy is this?

One lick was all it took before TB decided to chomp down on the minty brush.

Feels so good when it hits the teeth!

Once he started, he couldn’t stop (just like me with a bag of Lay’s potato chips).

Going deep for the back teeth.

Making sure I was watching him every. single. second.

Is he winking? Or giving me his best impression of a pirate?

He paid special attention to his front chompers, as they’re what appear first when yawning.

Smile!

Concentration was required for the tongue brushing. Ted almost lost his balance and fell off the vanity (taking after his mother, he’s the clumsiest cat in all of Nashville…maybe even the world).

Tongue tied.

As Mr. Bear kept smacking his lips, I couldn’t help but laugh in his face.

So fresh and so clean clean.

Which then prompted him to turn back into a cat, acting as if the whole incident never happened.

Too cool for teeth.

I, too, acted like the whole incident never happened because after my shower, I accidentally used the feline molested toothbrush.

Can you get cat scratch fever from swapping spit with your cat?

CBXB

Pussy Puke

Oh the things my pussy does to me.

It started like any other Saturday. I groggily awoke with a slight hangover from five too many Skinny Pirates the previous evening. Ted was screaming meows at the top of his teeny lungs for breakfast, so course I filled his bowl to the brim with his fancy schmancy duck and green pea food.

Roaring his brains out.

As I was adjusting my eyes to the mid-morning light I realized Mr. Ted E. Bear had an appointment with our fave vet, Dr. Bowling for his yearly check-up in about 30 minutes (we live a half hour away from Dr. B’s office). Shit.

I threw on some clothes as the Bear inhaled every morsel of his breakfast, then scooped him up, put him in his blanket and swaddled him like the 9-year-old baby that he insists upon being.

All waddled up with somewhere to roll.

Ted has always enjoyed a car ride. He doesn’t make a peep, often takes a nap if the sun is coming in our window and typically tries to help me drive.

Road trips – one of Ted’s hobbies…aside from napping and eating.

But this was not either of our lucky days. In the hurried state I was in to not be late for our appointment, I got lost and unfortunately there were about four roundabouts I kept driving through. Which in turn, made the happily full of breakfast Ted regurgitate his morning meal.

In the middle of me driving 50 mph.

All over the place.

Projectile style.

Covering every inch possible with puke.

While this was taking place and I was unable to pull over on the highway, I kept saying this to myself…

On repeat in my head.

When I finally got the chance to pull over (and trying to avoid having a moment like Chunk in The Goonies), I assessed the damage.

Tedstar had it on his wrist, I had it on my pants, in my sock and under my shoe.

Didn’t miss a spot.

It was in all crevices of my steering wheel and because I was turning a corner as he began upchucking, all over the back of the driving device as well.

Every nook and cranny covered.

It was in my hair (don’t ask), my vest pocket, on my cell phone, the volume nob for the radio, all over Ted’s blanket…

Duck and pea food is very fragrant, unfortunately.

It even found its way into my purse…

Oh here’s my credit card. And warm piece of cat food for you.

We finally made it to the office, where the nurse gave us a trash bag, a new blanket, wet wipes and paper towels. When Dr. Bowling (who has said she’d like to come back in another life as one of my cats – oh snap!) entered the exam room, the look of trauma on our faces made her laugh.

What the fuck just happened?

She took one look at us and said, “Cat moms are real moms too.”

You can say that again.

And again.

And again.

I’m just relieved TB didn’t shit his pants (or rather, his blanket)…how do moms of humans do it?

CBXB

How to Watch the Oscars With Your Cat

First, you must be on the same page about what outfit to wear.

Mr. Ted E. Bear started with his sparkly silver fedora but soon changed his mind after watching the red carpet.

Does this hat make my face look fat?

Upon seeing the glamorous stars, he wanted me to dig out his Christmas tie and decided to prance around our mini-manse until dinner was served. I on the other hand, held firm with my first decision – my leopard print onesie (click here to see me in all of my glory).

Red Tie Event

You also must have a signature cocktail.  We settled on Kir Royales for the Oscar evening (Teddy was overly cautious (and scared) of the bubbles when trying to drink, therefore I had to polish off the champagne alone – poor me).

First pour two ounces of Chambord in a glass, top with champagne and if you wish, garnish with fruit.

Be sure to have good eats that appeal to the both of you.  I found sushi with tuna, salmon and shrimp – three of Ted’s favorite.

Fancy feline feast.

And sweet treats are also a must – I found a pretty cupcake for Teddy and I to share.

Gigi’s gluten-free chocolate cupcake with strawberry icing.

Whisker lickin’ good!

We both had the stars we could NOT wait to see. Mine was Bradley Cooper (duh) and Ted’s was, well…Ted.

My bear’s favorite bear.

After all of the excitement, Teddy could hardly keep his eyes open the rest of the telecast.

Does this show ever end?

Be sure to have entertainment to keep your feline awake, as I accidentally fed Teddy too much fish and frosting.

Maybe cat nip for next year’s treat?

CBXB