When Bad Shit Happens to Good People

If you’re a regular reader, you may have noticed this typically bright, shiny, sparkly and pussy filled blog has been dark for almost four weeks. And, there’s been quite a big reason for my need to crawl in a hole the size of the Grand Canyon and wallow like a beached whale on my leopard couch with my favorite fur ball Ted for the past 30 days.

Pretty much sums up my last 730 hours.

Pretty much sums up my last 730 hours.

One month ago today, I spent a sunny afternoon in an ER being examined for a violation that no one should ever experience. There’s an open investigation, so no specific details to share but it has been a life altering event that will forever change me whether I like it or not. The immediate aftermath bubbled up feelings of shame, embarrassment, disgust, disbelief and just now, I think the shock is starting to wear off.

The thing is, in the weeks, days, hours and minutes when I felt this ordeal sinking my personal ship to the depths of the Bermuda Triangle, I’ve had a paramount support system through family, friends, fur balls and fellow blogging buddies via visits, phone calls, texts, emails and old fashioned letters.

When bad shit happens to good people, folks know how to rally.

Who love me?

Who loves me?

I’m beyond lucky to have peeps that have my back – the kind of humans who give you hope when life is heavy.

The kind of dad who has to leave work early to take his grown kid to the ER and hear the things no father should have to hear on what should have been a typical Friday.

My constant hero, Dada CBXB, remained a rock solid foundation.

My constant hero, Dada CBXB, remaining a rock solid foundation.

The kind of sister who flies down from Iowa within 24 hours, leaving her three year old twins (in the fabulous care of their father) to hold my hand and help my heart.

Through thick and thin.

Through thick and thin.

The kind of mom who comes in for a week and does almost everything except wipe my ass because I don’t know how to function (except for petting Teddy, of course – that comes naturally).

A mom's love.

A mom’s love.

The kind of friends who can make any traumatic situation feel just a bit lighter.

Laughs

Laugh factory.

The kind of friends who stay up late on school nights to comfort you.

I heart you guys.

I heart you guys.

The kind of friend who reminds you that you are, in fact, a fabulous person – but you still need to wash your hair.

Telling it like it is.

Telling it like it is.

The kind of friend who secures your mini manse surroundings.

Safety first.

Safety first.

The kind of friends who rearrange their family lives to spend time with you.

Moms rule!

Moms rule!

The kind of friends who can make you smile within seconds just because they know you’re sad.

Giggles galore.

Giggles galore.

The kind of friend who comes to slumber party because it’s too hard to be alone.

Twins

Sleeping bag bound.

The kind of friend who flies to your rescue without even being asked.

BFF for reals.

BFF for reals.

The kind of friend who packs your favorite, unattainable-in-Nashville dip in his luggage to comfort feed you.

My favorite combo.

My favorite combo.

Like, seriously.

Like, seriously.

The kind of niece and nephew who can instantly console you with their hugs, even if they’re states away.

Smiles for miles.

Smiles for miles.

Princess B hug.

Princess B’s open arms.

Prince B's open arms.

Prince B’s huge hug.

The kind of fur balls who know just when to maul you.

The kind of fur ball who never leaves your side for a second – no matter what you’re doing.

Bubbles with my fave chug.

Bubbles with my fave chug.

The kind of fur ball who further reminds you why he’s your best friend and constant life companion, giving you just what you need, when you need it.

Not for a second.

The best medicine.

The kind of people in your life who worry when you appear to be growing dreads.

Sexy and I know it.

Sexy and I know it.

The kind of people who demand you shower to remove said growing dreads.

Pretty products.

Pretty products to take out the stink.

The kind of people who check in daily, wondering where the in fuck your make-up, your sparkle and your happy has gone.

Help wanted.

Help wanted.

The kind of people who will do just about anything to help you start feeling a little bit like yourself again.

There's hope yet.

Hope floats with half assed jazz hands.

Thank you to all of those people.  If you’re reading this, you’re one of them. And I love you.

CBXB

CBXB!

 

 

 

National Pussy, er…Teddy Bear Day

It’s National Cat Day folks.

This is the biggest holiday of my year (don’t judge) as most of you know just how cuckoo for fucking Cocoa Puffs I am about my pussy, Teddy B.  He’s the yin to my yang. The side to my kick. The “me” to my “ow”.   So in a dire attempt to make my furball love me all the more, I present you with an ode to the best bear on the planet…

Ahem.

Oh Ted you bring so much joy and good cheer,

Even when your piercing looks could kill.

Image 7

Always a sport when I dress you up,

Image 28

You never lose your cool when the costume fucks up.

Image 10

Cinco de Teddy was a highlight one year and

while I was sure we had matching sombreros,

Image 2

I’m pretty sure you were trying to figure out

how to pierce my heart with an arrow.

Image 1

Bunny ears aren’t your favorite as you made very clear,

Image

So I made you a pirate, in which (I kinda think) you revered.

Image 25

Today is your day and in honor of you,

I will break out my finest kit cat attire.

Image 70

I’ll be sure to slip on your favorite tie  –

before you try to murder me by hire.

Image 1

The night will be yours to do as you please.

Whether it includes Skinny Pirates, shots of Jell-O,

Image 10

or your favorite vino to help you chill and be mellow.

IMG_3571

 We were both beyond blue

when New Cat passed suddenly this year.

New Cat

Although beyond annoying, we’re heartbroken he permanently left our crew.

Kitty Love

Celebrate you we will with all kinds of fun,

Image 24

As my Earth tends to revolve around your sun.

Image 14

Happy Teddy Bear Cat Day to all of our furiends!

CBXB

CBXB!

My Dramatic Pussy

 After blood work, an ultrasound, two X-rays, an exploratory surgery, refusing to eat and over a week at the pet hospital (he’s still there recovering), my always dramatic main squeeze Ted was diagnosed with inflammatory bowel disease and pancreatitis, both of which are treatable in cats!

Ted

Naturally getting the best fucking news of my life (and no, I’m not kidding) was cause for all kinds of celebration across the miles.

It was a big fat box of wine (yes I said box and don't you judge) for mama.

It was a big fat bottle Skinny Pirate for mama.

Moonshine cheers from Dada CBXB.

Moonshine cheers from Dada CBXB.

It was Patron for First Mate

It was Patron for First Mate…

...and her friends.

…and her mates.

Tequila Rose for Mama CBXB

Tequila Rose for Mama CBXB.

Our buddy Z-Man toasted with milk.

Our buddy Z-Man toasted with milk.

Beer cheers from Uncle Toddy.

Beer cheers from Uncle Toddy.

Wine from Sister CBXB in Iowa.

Wine from Sister CBXB in Iowa.

Ted and I (and anyone else who knows how bat shit crazy I have been over the past three weeks) thank each and every one of you from the bottom of our hearts for the well wishes, concern, prayers, good karma, comments, messages, phone calls, magic spells, suggestions, cards and happy juju you sent our way. It means more than you could know and we love you!

Well worth the drama in my eyes.

Well worth the drama in my eyes.

Hopefully I will get to bring him home soon and we’ll have all kinds of shenanigans to share with you. But until then, please join us in the toasting celebration, as Bear is back on the mend!

Cheers from this very relieved mama!

CBXB

CBXB!

Good Vibes

Kitty karma is once again needed for the always dramatic king of my life, Teddy Bear. He’s been thwarting off some kinda sickness but blood work and x-rays have come back clean so today, he’ll be having exploratory surgery.  Having clear tests is positive, but only somewhat as Ted has lost nearly half of his body weight and he has no appetite.

IMG_6762

So hopefully today we’ll find out how to get Ted his groove back.

Fingers crossed!

CBXB

CBXB!

My Pussy, the Bitch

Teddy Bear can really be a little bitch sometimes.

Missing man.

Worse than a junior high school girl hitting puberty.

And now that Ted has a partner in crime – New Cat – they can be such little bitches together.

Two times the trouble.

Two times the trouble.

The past few weeks, I might as well be getting up to nurse a fucking newborn because Mr. Bear starts meowing (in which he sounds like a tiny sheep) around 3am.

Then he comes in a little closer to the bed at 3:04 am.

A little louder and just out of arm’s reach at 3:07am.

I put the pillow over my head, turn my sound machine up and all of a sudden my little sheep cat is roaring his head off like a lion.

Fierce.

Fierce.

Then, because he idolizes his big bro, NC starts chiming in and together they sound like a jacked up version of a church choir.

And then bitches about it.

NOT pitch perfect.

When Tedstar first started doing this, I’d get my ass up to coax him back to bed but he wanted to play chase. Such fun every night at 3:13am.  I would go to pick him up and he’d run (for what seemed like his life – I might as well have been threatening to de-claw him with pliers) under the kitchen table. As soon as I’d crouch down by the table, he’d race into the bathroom behind the toilet, and so on…therefore, I started to ignore him.  Because he’s really just seeing if I will get up and give into him, right?

I never ever ever ever ever give in to this face. Ever.

I never ever, ever, ever, ever give in to this face.
Ever.

Well, this bitch means business. So much so, I was considering how to reupholster a section of my vintage sofa that used to belong to my Gma.  As I was getting my beauty sleep amid the white noise of my sound machine (on the highest volume setting) TB was up to no good (with assistance by Mr. Tuxedo, I’m sure).

Teddy Krueger’s version of a temper tantrum.

Of course I couldn’t find the little shits when I discovered this treasure and racked my brain contemplating how to patch this corner (the front, exposed so everyone can see it corner, naturally).  And I came up with a solution that fit right in with my eclectic, budget conscious household. Duct tape.

Leopard duct tape.

Growing up, I my dad taught me that duct tape can fix anything (even your big, fat glasses in 3rd grade. You simply put the duct tape over the piece that snapped off, which in my case was right in the middle, where the glasses sit on one’s nose and pretend as if nothing is wrong. Which is why much to my delight, I was nicknamed Ducky. Kids are so sweet).

Hello Gorgeous

Pre-Ducky break.

In my current case, applying my father’s knowledge, I found leopard duct tape and ‘reupholstered’ the corner of my couch.

Cheapest (and probably cheapest looking) DIY job ever! But it does the trick.

The $4 duct tape fix. Dad’s practical solution!

In reality, Teddy was just trying to help me spruce up my space a tad. Because once he got his claw stuck in the duct tape, he never set his sights on my couch again.

Oh, and those 3am wake up cries? Seems the cats were needing food, as I was forgetting to feed them before bed (guess this would be why I don’t have kids).

So now, I feed the damn pussies at night and all of my furniture has remained in tact.

For now.

CBXB

CBXB!

National Teddy B…er, I Mean Cat Day

It’s National Cat Day folks.

This is the biggest holiday of my year (don’t judge) as most of you know just how cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs I am about my pussy, Teddy B.  He’s the yin to my yang. The side to my kick. The “me” to my “ow”.   So in a dire attempt to make my furball love me all the more, I present you with an ode to the best bear on the planet…

Ahem.

Oh Ted you bring so much joy and good cheer,

Even when your piercing looks could kill.

Image 7

Always a sport when I dress you up,

Image 8

You never lose your cool when the costume fucks up.

Image 10

Cinco de Teddy was a highlight last year and

while I was sure we had matching sombreros,

Image 2

I’m pretty sure you were trying to figure out

how to pierce my heart with an arrow.

Image 1

Bunny ears aren’t your favorite as you made very clear,

Image

So I made you a pirate, in which (I kinda think) you revered.

Image 25

Today is your day and in honor of you,

I will break out my finest kit cat attire.

Image

I’ll be sure to slip on your favorite tie  –

before you try to murder me by hire.

Image 1

The night will be yours to do as you please.

Whether it includes Skinny Pirates, shots of Jell-O,

Image 10

or your favorite vino to help you chill and be mellow.

IMG_3571

 Never once this year did you act blue

when we rescued New Cat

New Cat

and he permanently joined our crew.

Kitty Love

Celebrate you we will with all kinds of fun,

Image 24

As my Earth tends to revolve around your sun.

Image 14

Happy Teddy Bear Cat Day to all of our furiends!

CBXB

CBXB!

Pussy Patrol

My dynamic duo

My dynamic duo with obvious personality galore.

When I found myself on what felt like death’s doorstep the past few days with stomach flu, I turned to my two pussies to aid in my caretaking.

Down with the sickness.

Down with the sickness.

I mean, it’s the least these little shits could do after all this cat mom has done for her darling Teddy Bear and force adopted New Cat.

Pussy pink eye

Or the time when New Cat had pink eye?

Head butt from a cone head.

And got to wear a cone on his head for three weeks?

So it was heartwarming when my two bitchy beyond high maintenance felines put their furry noggins together, figuring out a way to patrol their sick mother.

Mr. Bear is the brains behind every operation while Mr. Tuxedo is the belly.  Yes, I said belly as this black and white cat looks like he swallowed a 16 pound bowling ball while adorning a head the size of a pin since coming to reside at our mini manse.

Mr. Bear is the brains behind every operation while Mr. Tuxedo is the belly. Yes, I said belly as this cat looks like he swallowed a bowling ball while adorning a head the size of a pin since coming to reside at our mini manse.

Fuck mom. What’s for supper?

Ted decided to throw his thick boned body on my aching stomach for 16.8 hours each day, forcing me to lie as still as a wax statue on display at Madame Tussaud’s museum, so as not to interrupt his day long nap.

Held down his sick mama from moving one inch. All day.

We flipped sides once to alleviate any growing couch sores.

While Ted was busy taking one for the team on the sofa, New New mimicked me by playing dead.

This looks just like her, right?

Looks just how I feel.

When I did make it up off of the couch taking my ass to either the refrigerator or my bed (each destination seemed like a marathon distance) Ted demanded to check everything that went into my body.

Malt Check

Chocolate malt cleared for consumption.

While Tedstar was busy smacking his chops over ice cream, New Cat perused my sack of meds and liquids left by pals at my doorstep.

Inspector Gadget

Inspector Gadget, disappointed at the lack of tuna in the bag.

Each pussy did their best to get in some face time with mama, however.

Face Time

My own personal scarf made out of cat.

Face Time 2

FaceTime at its finest.

Naturally Teddy Bear was exhausted after day one of my illness and he retreated to his Juicy Couture Pussy Palace (where he refers to himself as king) to recuperate from all of his caretaking.

Juicy Pussy Palace

Snuggling down for a 24 hour nap.

It wasn’t until New Cat decided to maul my face that Ted was roused out of his leopard fur tent.

Too close for comfort

Too close for TB’s comfort.

A flash of gray fur rolled passed me fast as a tumbleweed as Teddy resumed his spot on my abdomen.

Lick her lips again and I will end you.

Lick her lips again and I will end you, you fucking new feline you.

The most recent addition to the mini manse was forced to watch all of the snuggling action from the floor as Ted is a master at throwing cold shade at anyone (or cat) that gets in his way.

Ignoring NC

The shut out.

Thing is, New Cat has his own wily ways, as he’s taken pointers from his conniving older brother. Waiting until Bear was snoring in a deep slumber, NC made a leap for my lap, nestling in ass to ass with his not-so-tiny sibling who barely batted an eye due to my mad multitasking abilities (rubbing one pussy’s belly while catching the other…I know, I know impressive).

Three's a crowd.

Three’s a crowd.

While I’m now almost fully mended (Skinny Pirates sound good again!), I’m willing to rent my pussies out to patrol you if you’re feeling under the weather.

You’re welcome in advance.

CBXB

CBXB!