Weekend Winks – Ass Hats, Ass Slaps and Lazy Asses

Is the weekend ever here fast enough?

Not for this duo who couldn’t wait long enough for me to take a piss before expressing their delight in having their mother smother them for two whole days.

We spent Friday lounging around the mini while I guzzled wine like Kristen Wiig in an SNL skit.

My dream come true.

Sunny Saturdays in Nashville call for pool parties. Since I don’t do beer and sipping on Skinny Pirates all day can make for an early evening, I’ve discovered spiked seltzer water. It’s the shit – 4.5% alcohol, 90 calories per can and 0 sugars.

Truly. Madly. Deeply in love.

After an all day sunfest, our pool crew decided to hit up my fave watering hole, Dalts for the aforementioned Skinny Pirates and home cooked food.

Feed me.

Thirst quenching fun with Cat Boy, Pool Mom and Rasta.

You see, we chose Dalts for our after hours pool party because last weekend, we ran into a bit of trouble at another local bar. After several rounds of cocktails and bar snacks, I got up to sing one of my fave AC/DC songs with the band. Complete with a greasy bun, prescription sunglasses on at night (’cause I’m douchy like that – oh, and also sunglasses hide sins, requiring no makeup after a pool day) and a maxi dress.

After my non-Grammy winning performance, on the way back to our table, some guy at the bar smacked my ass so hard my bun fell out. Some guy who I hadn’t spoken to all night. Some guy who I hadn’t ever laid eyes on before. A stranger. Trying to get some semblance of dignity back after the unwanted, unmerited slap of a stranger, I made my way back to our table. Just in time to find Cat Boy in the dude’s face, defending my honor…and thankfully so. Who knows what I may have done once I garnered my wits?

Girls just having some fun.

We were immediately asked to leave the bar and I inquired whether or not both parties were being asked to leave. I was told yes and I must say that I understood why – alcohol combined with angry tempers don’t mix but not one person – not the ass hat who slapped me, not the bouncer, not the employee who asked me to leave a very busy bar acknowledged what had happened. And as we stood outside waiting on our Lyft, we witnessed the stranger who smacked me being served another round of drinks with his buddies.

Isn’t that nice?

Daily reminders compliments of Metal Marvels.

This kind of shit isn’t OK. It bothered me all week and so after a few days, I called the owner of the bar who went back, looked at the tape and called back to apologize. He also said that as an owner of this establishment of 13 years, he’d never had any issues brought to his attention like this and wondered out loud how many other times something of this nature happened. Which is so fucking true.

If you see something, say something.

Violence isn’t the answer but fuck. There is never an appropriate time to spank a grown woman – a stranger to you – like she just hit a home run in the 9th inning of the World Series. Hands off.

Luckily for me, these two were just happy to be scarfing down on celery and pizza and I got picture proof of it.

Are your diners this cute?

Princess B got a new leotard and hates it. Obvies.

Hot shit and she knows it.

You know who else is hot shit? Former Iowa Hawkeye, Karl Klug, who has played for the Tennessee Titans since 2011. As Dada CBXB says “Klug is what hard work and not great talent is all about.” Does he sound like a former football player and coach? It’s been beyond fun having a defensive end on our professional team to cheer on every Sunday (after our college football Saturday fun). Klug signed autographs after practice last weekend and my friend’s boys were lucky enough to get a little pep talk, as well as an autograph.

Football season can’t get here fast enough!

You know what else can’t get here fast enough? Tourists leaving Nashville. Us locals can’t even go downtown anymore without fighting asses to elbows…I mean, I’m sure Robert’s Western World is wondering where in the hell the folks who come and sit in he front row for 10 hours have been. Although the Music City has grown so much in the past five years, we may have to get there at 10am just to see our fave band come on at 10pm.

Winding down the weekend, there was a packed couch.

The gray duo on one side of the couch.

Balanced by the human sized Rocky on the other.

Somehow, some way we made it to our usual wind down spots, naturally.

All’s well that ends well.

Here’s hoping you have an ass slappin’ fabulous week – for all of the right reasons.





Weekend Winks – Football Fail

The failure of my fave football teams showing up and kicking ass this weekend didn’t deter me from having an overall fabulous time with the fam in our usual Saturday shenanigans.

Jell-O shot jiggler

Jell-O shot jigglers.

Game day began with Ted and I sharing breakfast – he goes straight for the cheese while I stick to my egg.

Pussy approved breakfast.

Pussy approved breakfast.

While my fur ball was busy scarfing down my food, the twins were taste testing apples at an Iowa orchard.

Apple orchard cuties

Apple orchard cuties.

Snow White

Our family’s version of Snow White….

As the Iowa Hawkeyes kickoff drew near, New Cat assumed his position as greeter, anxiously awaiting our arrivals.

Game day greeter

Game day greeter.

The bar was stocked with my dad’s rot gut vodka (Taaka vodka could seriously start your throat on fire if you chose to smoke a cigarette while consuming), my beloved Captain and Popcorn Sutton White Whiskey was on standby for our traditional touchdown shots.

Cocktails - full bar

Stocked bar, warm bellies.

Naturally we can’t have cocktails galore without tasty tailgating treats.

Tailgating tasties

Let the game day grazing begin!

My mini manse morphed into a brief media room when we were unable to get our Hawkeye game on TV due to the previous game running long. Typically this would simply be an inconvenience but since it was our in state rivalry game – the Iowa Hawkeyes vs. the Iowa State Cyclones, we were antsy to get the football show on the bigger screen.

TV fail

Double vision.

My pussies were less than impressed to be kicked off the couch and resorted to the front window, where they plotted how to keep their mother sleepless on a Saturday night.

Waaay into the game.

Your football game is stupid and you will pay.

Ignoring the holes being scorched into my head from the kit cats, moonshine was passed around for two Hawkeye touchdowns.

Touchdown...two in three minutes. #sos

Cockier with every swig of this cocktail.

Busy with moonshine, Skinny Pirates and the football game, I turned my back for one second and found New Cat perusing among the food.

Up to no....

New New is fully of naughty.

And when I whipped back around from scolding the pesky pussy, my Hawkeyes had lost the game by a last second Cyclone field goal.


No bragging rights this year.

Not only did I promise to be done with my team (fair weathered fan right here) this year in my post game misery, Ted wallowed in this disappointing loss by demanding a belly rub.

So upset, he needed a belly rub.

Rub me now, Bitch.

Drowning the rest of my Saturday sorrows in Skinny Pirates, I was able to get my ass to Target (my mothership) Sunday morning for the debut of the Altuzarra for Target line.  And rolling out of bed for this proved worthwhile as Altuzarra produced beyond cute merch that I was able to manhandle, making my football heavy heart skip a beat.

Sunday religion  Altuzarra for Target

My version of church.

Back to the mini manse in time for the Tennessee Titans game, New Cat could barely watch as the Dallas Cowboys kicked some Nashville tail.

Dismal display by the Titans

Is this football bullshit over yet?

Discouraged by the outlook of football season for my teams, I blew off the losing steam with a run in the crispy fall sun.

Lipstick and lunged my way through the park. Let off steam...

Lipstick and lunged my way through the park.

And then I parked it for Sunday night date night with my fave feline.

Wine and pussy time.

Wine and pussy time.

Cheers to a fabulous week my friends!



Weekend Winks – Party Style

All kinds of Nashville party shenanigans were had this past weekend for Teddy and me.


Me and my wild pussy.

We had a wild Friday evening sorting through my bins of winter threads.


Mr. Bear just had to supervise.


And he was worn out within 45 seconds of perusing my piles of clothes.

Speaking of wardrobe, my little niece and nephew love going naked as they proved with a pic on Saturday am.


Wish I looked this cute naked.

Saturday game day party ingredients were prepped for our Iowa Hawkeyes 11am (ugh…too early!) kick-off. I worked my ass off setting liquor bottles on the kitchen counter. Exhausting.


For the record, that’s not my vodka. It’s my dad’s rot gut that he insists drinking because it’s a whopping $9 per handle.


All of the tasty tailgating treats to help us wash down our cocktails.

As soon as the first play was underway, Ted assumed his fave football position on his Gma’s lap.


Football is so tiring.

Of course, his beauty sleep was interrupted by our moonshine shot tradition that we guzzle after every touchdown.


Cheers #1.

Our halftime show featured a celebration of my dad’s birthday complete with a whopper pie (made by yours truly) and gifts.

pie time

If this wasn’t frozen, I have a feeling this pie would have ended up on someone’s face.


The birthday boy who doesn’t hate attention.



The sign I gifted my dad reads:

“Dad, no matter where I go in life, who I get married to, how much time I spend with guys, how much I love my boyfriend, you’ll always be my number one man.” And the last line should have included – don’t tell Mr. Bear.

Of course, Teddy had something to say about this revelation and gave my dad a stern talking to on the porch.


A tumbleweed went by in the background just before I snapped this photo.

After all was settled, TB sauntered into his Juicy Couture Pussy Palace to ignore all of the birthday and football celebrations taking place.


So over us.

We carried on to our 3rd, 4th, 5th and 6th moonshine shots…



Which of course led to Dance Party USA – then turned into a victory celebration as our Hawks won the game.


Raise the roof no rhythm style.


And get so exhausted you have to sit down to continue.

I drug Ted out of his Pussy Palace to see if he felt like a whirl and twirl.

kit cat dance

Care to dance, Mr. Bear?


That’s a big no.

After almost losing an eye to a claw, my dad and I ran to the liquor store in order to prep for the Tennessee Titans game on Sunday (you like how we have our priorities straight, don’t you?).

prep for game

Pouched and ready to go.

Sunday greeted us with a gorgeous day for football – sunny, cloudless and 60 degrees.


Hello perfect football weather.

As the players were suiting up in their uniforms, I was putting the final touches in my Sunday attire.

bootleg vodka. boobleg tequila

Such a cute accessory.


The birthday weekend continues…

After our photo shoot, I headed to tend bar in the bathroom.


Alcohol kills germs, right?

And as the Titans continued to suck it up the entire afternoon, my dad and I turned into comedians while we were people watching. Our most clever observation was spying the oldest jersey in our section, being that Pac Man Jones hasn’t been with the Titans since 2006.

where's masking tape when you need it?

Where’s duct tape when you need it?

The Titans may have lost to the worst team in our division BUT my dad and I gained hats. Oh so many free hats we collected as other fans ran out of the stadium with their heads hung in shame.

we may have lost but we gained hats. oh so many hats

Who doesn’t need countless camouflaged hats?

And we refused to leave until the end of the game – which was perfect as the Titans scored another touch down and we were able to finish the last little bit of tequila we had with us.

which became more important when we shot tequila

Saturday touch downs involve moonshine. Sunday touch downs are best with tequila.

The highlight of game day was the halftime event, which honored local veterans and active duty members of the military.  Lee Greenwood sang “God Bless the USA,” the crowd witnessed a re-enlistment ceremony for 50 members of the Army stationed at Fort Campbell and the color guards from the five branches of the military were on the field.


Happy Veterans Day

Want to do something fabulous in honor of Veterans Day?  Why don’t you drop a holiday card in the mail to the American Red Cross, who distributes the received mail among veterans, active-duty service members and military families all over the world.  To read more about Holiday Mail for Heroes, click here.  Send your holiday card(s) by December 6th to:

Holiday Mail for Heroes: PO Box 5456 Capitol Heights, MD 20791-5456

Thanks to all of the veterans and active-duty service members for all you have done and continue to do.



Bewitching Breakfast Burritos

Finding myself with a last-minute invitation to a Tennessee Titans tailgate turned into a horror show more quickly than anticipated, as I was under prepared in my own personal grocery department. And you can’t show up to a party empty-handed now, can you?

While rummaging through the fridge, freezer and pantry (which typically house condiments, vodka and expired cereal) I came up with a solution to my meager problem when I spied non-molded corn tortillas.

Which resulted in a first time attempt at breakfast burritos…

Tailgating tasties at their finest.

Early game day tailgating tasties at their finest.

Here’s what I found (and what you’ll need) to concoct a similar potion…

  • Whatever kind of meat you find in your freezer (I ran into a half package of sausage)
  • Green pepper (if you have one…I have no idea how the F one found its way into my fridge)
  • Five non-expired eggs (plus a bit of milk if you have it or you can use water)
  • Shredded cheese (leftover from last year’s chili. I’m kidding…kind of)
  • Tortillas
Fry the sausage separately.

Start by frying your choice of meat.


In a separate skillet, saute the green peppers.

Add the egg mixture

Mix the eggs with about 1/4 cup of milk and add to the peppers.

Add the sausage to the mix.

Add the sausage to the mix.

 And then the cheese.

Once the eggs are almost set, top with shredded cheese.

Pick your poison. Personally, I'd reach for the skull....

Scoop the mix onto tortillas. Roll. Then devour.

Of course, I also had the ingredients for Jell-O shots which made me one popular tailgater. I mean, what washes a bewitching breakfast burrito down the hatch better than vodka and gelatin? Nothing.

What washes a bfast burrito down?

BOOzin’ it up spooky style.

You know I like to keep it classy.




Weekend Winks – Cab Crashin’ Style

Cocktails, kitty time, football and a cab accident were the ingredients of my interesting Nashville weekend…

The little love of my life, Mr. Bear was impatiently waiting for his Friday evening cattails (and doing his best to blend in with the Halloween decor) upon my arrival home from work.

Ready for cattails

Desperate for a drink. He takes after his mother.

While enjoying our spirits, I shared news that will probably change Ted’s life for the better…there is now wine for cats (thank you dear readers for sharing the news – I don’t know how I wasn’t already in the loop, being bona fide cray over my cat). Although I’m going to have to fly to Japan to get my paws on one of the 1,000 bottles they’re making (but I think trekking across the world with my cat on the prowl for feline wine would make for some fun blog posts).


Never drink alone again?! Score for the all of the cat ladies out there.

While Tedstar reveled in his wine news and I continued to drink human vino, I got all kinds of confidence and started hanging up pictures that have been sitting on the floor since I moved in July. And I have to say, surprisingly none are crooked.


Yes, I will come do this for you but it will cost you one box of wine.

I was greeted with smiles from Iowa on Saturday morning, which made getting out of bed more tolerable.

Your adorableness for Monday. You're welcome.

Your adorableness for Monday compliments of my niece and nephew. You’re welcome.

Is there a better way to kick off college game day than with a tasty bloody mary?

Saturdays taste so good.

Saturdays taste so good.

While I was prepping for the Iowa Hawkeye game, Ted participated (as it requires copious amounts of energy to sit) in the sport of bird watching.

Bird watching

The birds vacated the feeder upon Teddy’s presence. Smart birds.

With the tailgating (or rather homegating) goodies ready to go, my folks and I prepared to watch our Hawks get beat (which is a recurring theme this year).

Snack attack

Snack attack.

Pumpkin head

Even the pumpkins have spirit, yo.

And of course we kept up the shot after every score tradition, taking the sting out of the loss.

Shot time (grape vodka for mama)

Classy family.

Teddy was so exhausted after his bird watching, he couldn’t keep his eyes open for one single second of the three-hour game.

Worn out

Grandmas give the best belly rubs.

Late Saturday evening libations ended rather harshly as the cab we were riding home in got hit by a drunk driver.


Oh the fun times….


Ambulance not needed but arrived in what felt like seconds.

While everyone was thankfully OK after the impact, when it occurred I was leaning up from the backseat, talking to the driver (I seriously never shut up) and therefore slammed into the dash with my forearm. I think I feel a lovely bruise coming on.

It only hurts when I move it.

It only hurts when I move it.

In recovery mode on Sunday, I was wishing I had a ticket to the Titans game. I must have turned into a witch at some point recently because a few minutes later, I got an invitation and free ticket.

Yes, please.

Yes, please.

of course a little cocktailing by my own hand.

Once again, I became my own crafty bar tender in the bathroom (I just get classier, I know).

While it was a terrible football game (for Titans fans anyway), it was a beautiful fall day and fun times were had regardless.

Beautiful day for football

Every team I like loses…maybe I’m not a witch with powers after all.

Upon my return home I found Ted in the same position he was in when I left earlier in the day.

Case of the Mondays...

Weekends are exhausting.

And he was in the same position yet again when I left for work this morning. Apparently all of the feline wine excitement really wore him out.

Here’s hoping your day isn’t as tough as Ted’s weekend.



Weekend Winks – Chillaxin’ Style

I found myself with no concrete plans for the weekend and it worked out in my favor, as I caught up on loads of laundry, household organizing, football (with cocktails) and a wee bit of cleaning.

I said goodbye to the three adorable pooches I had been looking in on all week.

Three amigos

Three amigos.

Upon returning home, smelling like dogs I had to throw Teddy off of my cheating scent by distracting him on the couch with wine.


Cattails make suspicious felines confused.

I also wooed my kit cat into a fab mood by dressing up his eating space with Halloween decor.

Teddy BOO

Teddy BOO loves making a mess…and also loves his mummy martini glasses.

While on my fourth trip to Target this weekend (seriously, I go for shampoo and come out with $50 worth of merchandise. DAMN YOU TARGET!) I spotted some headphones that I must acquire. Except they’re limited edition – oh and only $250.00. Anyone need any Christmas ideas for me? I’ve been extremely good this year. Yes, $250 good.

Must needed phones

The perfect CBXB headphones (although they lack sparkle).

Trying to clean my mini manse proved to be a task, as Ted helped everywhere he could. He cock blocked my ability to throw anything away by refusing to step down from his new favorite perch, the garbage can (classy cat takes after his mother).

Garbage Man

Greedy garbage cat.

He inspected every single piece of clothing I put away after (what felt like) my 36th load of laundry.


I still smell dog!

And Mr. Bear also decided the toilet would not be cleaned over the weekend by hunkering down every time he saw me walking toward the bathroom with a toilet brush and cleaning gloves.

Potty Pussy

This shitter may be full but you aren’t cleaning it.

The 43 minutes of cleaning really wore TB out and he retreated to his new Juicy (Couture) Pussy Palace (thanks for the moniker reversecommuter) for the remainder of Saturday – all 23 hours of it.

Juicy Pussy Palace

The Bear in all of his Juicy Pussy Palace glory.

My beloved (and not so great) Iowa Hawkeyes had a bye week but I still got sucked into watching college football.  The Penn State vs. Michigan game went into four overtimes and had my heart beating in my throat even though I have no affiliation with either school.


Happy fans in Happy Valley.

Sunday came with all kinds of smiles from little B and B who are making the grandparent rounds in Iowa.

Great Gma

Great Gma is apparently hilarious.

My folks are in my home state getting to visit with my adorable niece and nephew (I am not jealous…AT ALL).

Gigi and B. Boo

Gigi and B. Boo

Gpa and Big B.

Gpa and Big B.

After getting all kinds of green with envy, all Ted and I could do the remainder of Sunday was lay on the couch and watch our Tennessee Titans lose yet another game.

Cat nappin'

Ted really gives a rat’s ass about football.

Here’s hoping your week is off to a fabulous beginning!




Weekend Winks – Titans Style

A Nashville weekend for CBXB complete with a little kit cat time, preseason NFL football and a whole lotta lazy in the sun.

Titans Mania!

The number of cups equals the amount of fun had at a Titans game, FYI.

Friday called for a little relaxation out on the patio of my mini manse.

Friday night chill night.

Fridays taste so good!

I was trying to unwind under my bright lights that annoy the piss out of my neighbors (someone had to be the Clark Griswold of the neighborhood!) but the incessant whining from some little furball inside made it impossible for me to concentrate on reading my People magazine and chug my Skinny Pirate. So I let the little whine calf out.

Under the lights.

Who wouldn’t wanna party here?

And I immediately regretted my decision as Teddy sprinted to the end of the deck, dramatically putting the front half of his body out over the ledge and meowed (what he surely thought sounded like a lion’s roar, but sounded like a sick goat) to announce his presence to no one. I thought, “Great. My family is going to have a heyday with this story when the apartment complex calls telling my folks that I broke my neck jumping off my second story deck to save my cat, Mr. Bear – who would of course walk away unscathed.” So instead of freaking the F out and yelling at him, I casually pulled him in and yelled “NO!” once he was back on all fours of the appropriate side of the deck.

Until my whine calf made it unable for me to enjoy

You go, I go you little shit.

Once every nook and cranny was checked out, it was time for tricks.


Acrobatic show off.

And while practicing his balance, TB acted as if he was doomed to be on the porch forever,  trying to claw at the window screen.

Outside Looking In

Outside looking in.

Once again yelling “NO!” (you see how scared Ted is of me?), he tight roped down the chair and settled in for a nice, long cat nap.

F You!

F You!

Too tired

Four minutes of curiosity makes a feline tired.

Worn out after the circus tricks of the prior evening, I hauled my lazy ass up to the pool on Saturday. Where I continued to be lazy. All. Day. Long.

Decompressed by the pool with a cocktail

All I was missing was a tan.

A spontaneous invitation to go to the Tennessee Titans game produced all kinds of fun with my First Mate and her hubs. Although, as I was rushing to get ready, she reminded me that you can’t take a purse bigger than your palm in to the stadiums anymore. WTF?! Where am I supposed to put my sunglasses? My bootlegged liquor? My lip gloss? My ticket won’t even fit into my purse without having to be folded! The horror!

NFL Rules be damned!

Teeny tiny purses didn’t deter from fun.

I was still able to mix cocktails in the bathroom bar by smuggling in my spirits.

I can still smuggle it in!

Can’t stop this classy girl!

Although, we were forced to be assholes wearing our sunglasses at night because we had nowhere to put them.

Started with out vodka and beer but

Yeah, we know we’re cool.

While we started out with our vodka and beer, First Mate and I HAD to have a glass of wine once we saw the container it came in.


Reusable AND it has a lid!



The mixing of liquor, beer and wine gave us a really good idea for a blog post. I’m going to try out to be a Titans cheerleader next year and First Mate will document my uncoordinated experience. You’re welcome in advance and I am not eating solid food until after tryouts next April (but I refuse to give up my Skinny Pirates).

Tryouts in April!

All I need to make the cut is fake boobs, three more inches added to my legs and the ability to make it through a cheer without giggling. I got this.

Parched as we were, a stop at our fave bar Dalts was required before calling it quits on a fun Saturday night. Can’t you tell Hubs was just having the time of his life?

Leaning tower of blonds

Leaning tower of blondes.

With the best of intentions of going to hot yoga on Sunday, I decided to sweat out the shenanigans of Saturday night by holding a day long savasana pose by the pool.

Perfect end to the weekend...

Perfect end to the weekend…while gaining a teeny tiny tan.

While I sat on my soon-to-be-a-Titans-cheerleader-dreams-dashed-hopeful-ass by the pool, I also studied pics of my niece and nephew practicing their favorite poses.

Happy Baby

Happy Baby.



Not only do they look cuter doing yoga than I do, it seems as if they have better form too. Show-offs!

Here’s a big cheers to a great week!