How to Conduct a Trashtacular Moonshine Toast

Keepin' the family tradition alive...

Keepin’ the family tradition alive…

Being from such a classy clan, we started a tradition a few years ago to celebrate every touchdown or field goal that our favorite college football team, the Iowa Hawkeyes, score with a shot of one’s choice (this way no matter what the outcome of the game, you can have fun – even if your team sucks (which is how this lovely tradition began). Unless they score nothing of course, and if that’s the case, get a new team).

This past weekend, my dad really upped ante (and kept it Southern) by blowing the dust off of a jar of moonshine for our required celebratory shots.

Popcorn Sutton White Whiskey (it's called whiskey instead of moonshine because they pay taxes).

Popcorn Sutton White Whiskey (it’s called white whiskey instead of moonshine because they pay taxes).

In order to prep for a trashtacular toast (and be sure you’re ready for a photo-op), you must first be sure your three free fingers that aren’t holding the shot glass are available for a partial jazz hand.

Digits

Digits prepped and ready.

Second, make sure your ‘do is did. Right before this pic was snapped, my dad said, “I hope I combed my hair.”

Either way, it was too late as the toast was already in motion.

Hair

What hair? The one strand on top of your head?

Next, be sure you prolong the inevitable by clinking your glasses several times.

Don't forget the fingers.

Again, don’t forget the fingers.

Then before you take the shot, say something really clever like my dad, who said, “You know, once you go moonshine you never……….”

*Silence*

*Crickets*

Feel free to borrow this toast whenever you shoot moonshine next.

Down the hatch slowly...

Trepidatious cheers.

Boom!

Down the hatch…

Smooth?

Smooth. But hopefully the Hawks don’t score again until the second half.

Never one to be at a loss for words (unless he’s conducting a toast), my dad concluded our initial shot by saying, “Best shine I ever had.”

My response followed, “Oh no shit, Dad. It’s the first time you’ve ever had moonshine,” (although Popcorn Sutton is awfully tasty – it also mixes well with lemonade or Diet Coke for you white whiskey connoisseurs that aren’t down with our family tradition of straight shooting).

While we were hemming and hawing over the “best shine ever,” the Hawkeyes scored again.

Again?!

For F’s sake. Again?! And again. And again.

So even if your team loses (like ours did in the last ten seconds), you can have some bright, shiny fun watching the game anyway with a little bit of Southern likker.

Cheers!

CBXB

CBXB!

Trashy Tennessee Toast

Hosting and toasting a bride-to-be last weekend proved to lean a little more to the white trashy (dare I say redneck?  I mean, I do live in the South), less-than-classy side as the evening progressed…I know you’re shocked.

It all started with my genius idea to use my side sink as an ice chest. Except it turned my actual sink into the bar.

Tried

Sink suds anyone?

And then, a few drinks later my photo bombing expertise was challenged by amateurs.

My expertise in the art of photo bombing was overshadowed by understudies!

Overshadowed by understudies!

Which led to the skull shot glasses coming out of the closet for all those involved trying to dethrone me of my one true talent.

cool

No more photo bombing for you!

Suggesting the bride do a shot of her favorite tequila before opening gifts resulted in this face….

She just drank her favorite brand of tequila if you can't tell.

She loves tequila if you can’t tell.

Mr. Bear could hardly wait to help open presents.  His participation as a party side-kick really set the tone for fanciness.

oh something crinkly? I got this.

Oh something crinkly? I got this.

TB was such a fab host that he guarded the door to the room where all of the purses were stashed. As my friend Tina (who loathes cats more than anyone else on the planet would not get any closer to him than pictured) tried to enter the room, Teddy challengingly stared her down (such an attack cat).  Straight out of a John Wayne Western film.

much like a Western

Did a tumble weed just roll by?

We celebrated our relief of the completion of Pursegate by taking a picture every time we took a sip of anything (even water).

A picture each time we took a sip of anything, seemed to call the need for a photo

Memory making with vodka. For the 56th time.

Oh, someone just had a gulp of beer? That calls for jazz hands, naturally.

blah

Cheese!

Oh and speaking of dairy, how many cheese balls can one get in their mouth?

Cheese ball count (I think 22 altogether).

22 altogether.

After a party foul, the remainder of cheese balls ended up on my floor, where I was happy to leave them until the next day. Not for my pal, Ms. Clean.  I came out of the kitchen to find her whistling while she worked at 2am (then I pointed out all of the spots she missed, so I didn’t have to complete the chore myself).

The remainder of cheese balls ended up on the floor and Mrs. Clean needed to vaccum it up immediatey at 2am. (my neighbors love me)

My neighbors were loving me.

Who would have thought Johnny Cash would be the calm one of this bunch, as a leaning tray of shots was delivered?

Johnny is straight...tray of shots, not so much.

Johnny is straight…tray of shots, not so much.

The night really took a turn after the completion of the sideways shot…

Our 132nd toast of the evening.

Our 132nd toast of the evening.

We went from kinda classless to straight up white trash after we moved the food into the living room (so that it would be easier to accompany each drink of liquor with a corn chip dipped in whatever was closest).

Moved the food into the living room, so we could sit around it.

Such sophisticated ladies.

The first one to pass out ended up getting a Hannibal Lecter makeunder.

Hello Clarice.

Hello Clarice.

And speaking of makeovers, the duo below locked themselves in my bathroom giggling for 10 minutes.  This is how they reappeared…

Bathroom beauties.

Bathroom beauties.

Even my beloved martini girl shower curtain received some sprucing up.

Primped my curtain

Hot lips and full glass of liquid.

All of this glitz and glamour called for a run-through of wedding day hair.

A run through for wedding day hair

The higher the hair, the closer to Heaven (a Southern girl’s dream).

And after she passed out, our makeup experts practiced a trial run for behind-the-veil day fun.

Make up run-through

They went for the natural look, obviously.

After getting her second wind, the bride tried bonding with Teddy.

Can we just go to bed already!

Who was completely underwhelmed and highly annoyed at her gracious act of kindness at 3am.

After we solved all of the world’s problems by talking just to hear our own voices, we all went bed with a lovely view of the room.

Are those chips spinning above us?

After our two-hour good night’s sleep, we awoke to our thoughtful ‘artwork’ that appeared to come out of a frat house packed with 19-year-olds.  Nothing like a mix of beer, vodka, champagne, peppermint schnapps, Kahlua, tequila and Chambord bottles for morning after feel good moments.

Sight for sore eyes.

We were really happy for the bride-to-be, OK? OK?!

After a much needed brunch of grease, I walked into my mini-manse greeted by my sweet Teddy Bear who was apparently pissed we kept him up so late (every party has a pooper – I just didn’t think it’d be my fur baby!).

If looks could kill...

His favorite don’t F with me face.

I ran to the bedroom to put on my pajamas (the Cray Cray Cat Lady pair – to butter Ted up, as their his favorite).  I was gone all of 30 seconds and returned to this…

Found this

The little shit only stayed awake long enough to give me the “THE LOOK” when I walked through the front door.

But then I died when I saw that he literally face planted into the back of the couch.

faceplant into the back of the couch

A chip off the old block. So proud.

Why try to be classy when it’s so much more fun to be fabulously trashy? I know what you’re thinking.  And the answer is yes, I’m available for party planning.  It’s an all around shit show of a good time.

Teddy couldn’t agree more.

CBXB