Being Known as the Fun One…

Being known as the ‘fun one’ just might be the death of me.

Hang on.

All laughs and games until you can’t feel your crotch.

While I was visiting my Miami Mini Me and her fam over the Fourth of July, we took their boat out and about. What I thought was going to be an afternoon full of watching the kids with water toys, instead turned into yours truly being a full participant.

Coaxed by cute faces (and a little begging) and with the gracefulness of an elephant, I hoisted myself up onto the Aquaglide (which does anything but glide) while blind as a bat without my prescription sunglasses.

All smiles at first, not knowing what was to come...

All a blur of smiles from my point-of-view.

I plopped my ample derriere in between MMM and her brother, (my ex-Mini Boyfriend as he used to be in love with me but has grown up *sigh* and is into peeps his own age. How appropriate).

Prep

If I hold my hands up like this, will they act as a spoiler for the float?

As we started at the slowest rate possible, I was thinking this ride wouldn’t be so bad after all.

Hee hee. Faster!

That all you got Driver?

Settling in, thinking this was smooth sailing, I heard my MMM shout “FASTER! FASTER! FASTER!”

Wait, seirously? You want to go faster?

Wait, seriously? You want to go faster? SHUT UP!

Being that my ass is the size of the Grand Canyon, I was able to hunker down, keeping us on the water.

Business.

Me and my mad ass skills.

But then came the water to the face. More specifically, to the eyes not protected by my prescription sunnies.

EYE INFECTION ALERT!

EYE INFECTION ALERT!

As you can see, the beautiful lake water is the color of fluorescent moss and slightly stung when hitting my eyeballs. I couldn’t remove my arms that were strategically placed around each kid, therefore unable to shield my face (more importantly mouth) from the lake liquid.

Doesn't taste well, either.

The water tastes as good as it looks.

After being further blinded by the lake as it crept into my eyes and unable to take deep breaths due my soggy lungs, we started to lean.  Not wanting the Aquaglide to win, I hung on for dear life. That is, until I realized my ex-MB was underneath my rear end and I feared smothering him to death.

Descent into the green lake. DO you think the lochness lives in here?

Look closely for the tiny feet under my not-so-tiny hiney.

Clinging

Bracing myself to do a water cartwheel, while not knocking either kid in the noggin.

Inevitable capsize

Inevitable capsize.

The first thing I did after gulping down even more of the lake like it was a gigantic Skinny Pirate, I looked around for both kids, immediately realizing it didn’t matter because I can’t see a damn thing without my glasses on. Then I thankfully felt MMM grab my shoulder and she assured me that my ex-MB was near the boat being picked up.

Phew.

As I was wondering how I could possibly climb the ladder up to the boat due to the lack of feeling below my waist, MMM oh-so-sweetly asked me to ride with her again.

Oh sure, I'll stay on and do it again.

Oh sure, I’m fun! Let’s do it again. KILL ME NOW.

And away we went….

Fuuuuuuuuuuck.

Fuuuuuuuuuuck.

Thankfully most of the bruising has faded away from my backside. And more thankfully, my folks already have grandkids, as I’m not sure anything will ever be the same below my belly button.

But at least I’m known as the ‘fun one’.

CBXB

CBXB!

 

Adios Amigos!

Goodbye Nashville! Hello vacay!

A few weeks ago I was bitching and moaning that I had nothing on the books for Spring Break. The vacation Gods heard my whiny ass soon and soon I’ll be basking at the beach while cabana boys deliver endless umbrella adorned Skinny Pirates.

Teddy will be checking in on the blog (as he loves revisiting posts all about him, naturally) while I’m away.

Ted loving Ted

Ted loving Ted.

Of course he’ll also be pining for me daily, so he’ll dramatically thrust himself into a fave blanket in my absence.

Feeling sorry for himself

Feline fit for a soap opera.

New Cat has tried to pack himself among my sunscreen and sequins, although he miserably failed as he ripped every bag he tried to hide in to shreds.

Hi. I'm expensive. And I like it that way.

Where do you think you’re going?

While both of my pussies will be in beyond capable hands, I know I’ll be paying one high price upon my return (which is why I’ll be stocking up on cat nip while away).

If you hear of any breaking news on the beach, I had nothing to do with it….

Cheers!

CBXB

CBXB!

Party Pooped

You’d think that I’d be the one in major recovery after spending four full days (which at this point, felt like years) in Vegas. Yet, while I am still trying to dry my liver out, my fur ball Ted acts like he danced on poles non-stop while I was away.

Unbearable

My Vegas stories exhausted Teddy, who apparently didn’t get his 23 hour nap yesterday.

Thankfully, I was well-educated and earned an additional degree in cocktailing (my mom is beyond proud) from the University of Iowa (ranked as one of the top party colleges in the country – much to parental dismay. But it’s actually the best of both worlds, really. I retained my education AND never miss a day from work due to a hangover. Thanks for the party schooling U of I!)

With the help of Pedialyte (thanks Nate and Al), consecutive hours of sleep (thanks Tylenol PM), greasy food (love you McDonald’s) and hair of the dog (Captain, vodka, wine), I’m feeling like a normal human again but still look like death warmed over.

Death warmed over...

Looking so good, I’ve been hiding behind my stage 5 clinger.

And while Mr. Bear can barely muster his little neck up on his shoulders, I’ve been forced to snuggle non-stop on the couch with him since my return.

party pooped

Is this vacay hangover finished yet?!

I hope you’re feeling better than Ted. And I truly hope you’re looking better than moi. I’m resting up quickly – there’s tailgating to partake in this weekend!

Cheers from the exhausted CBXB duo!

CBXB!

Mani-cation

When going on vacation, a manicure must be all gussied up, agree?  For my recent trip to Key West, I went with silver, neon pink and a tad of black.

Gaudy? Yes. Fabulous? Always.

A Captain Colada with matching flashy nails. Sigh.

A Captain Colada with matching flashy nails. Sigh.

To achieve this look use two coats of China Glaze’s Platinum Silver, followed by one thick coat of Pixi nail color in Summer Pink on the tips and a thin strip of Milani Nail Art Laquer in Black Sketch. Finish with one coat of Seche Vite top coat (the best ever in my book) for a complete vacay mani.

Beach action

Beached Nails.

Of course being back at work for a full week of work already has me wondering…

Of course being back for a full week of work has me already wondering...

Does this contain a mimosa or Bailey’s and coffee…?

I know you feel so badly for me.

Cheers!

CBXB

CBXB!

Hasta La Vista, Baby!

Look out Florida! I have my sequins and sunscreen packed, heading to Key West and Miami for the next week, where I’ll be basking at the beach while cabana boys deliver endless Skinny Pirates. Teddy is vacationing at his grandparents house where he’ll play with his two feline uncles and be spoiled rotten, coming back home with a catalogue of demands longer than Santa’s naughty list.

We had to get one last post in before our departure and wish everyone a fabulous weekend.  Naturally, Teddy wanted it to be all about him, as he admired himself in his handsome holiday tie (like the world revolves around him…oh wait…mine does – Jesus this cat knows me well) while scrolling through pictures.

Ted loving Ted

Ted loving Ted

So we leave you with happy Spring thoughts – if you hear of any breaking news in Florida, I had nothing to do with it.

Cheers!

CBXB

CBXB!

My What Big Coconuts You Have…

What vacation would be complete without a souvenir or two?

On my recent cruise trip, I acquired a pair of the most gigantic Bahamian coconut earrings on the streets of Nassau.

My co-worker told me that I looked like an African Princess (although I prefer to be a Queen) upon seeing me and my coconuts this morning.

A street vendor named Irene (and her karate kicking grandson (show-off) who also was quite the 9-year-old salesman) told me that I had the ‘neck’ to wear these $28.00 beastly accessories she’d just made from coconuts (and I’d had enough strawberry vodka to agree).

I’m going to start having people at the office address me as “Your Majesty.”

Tipsy, impulse purchases that transform one into royalty (in my own warped mind, anyway) are the best, don’t you agree?

CBXB

How to Make an Ass of Yourself on a Cruise…

Fresh off a ship (my liver is having fun wringing itself out), I thought I’d share my classy, trashy (it is Wednesday after all) tactics for hilarity on a boat.

First, one must kick the trip off with a photo bomb.

Nana wanted a photo with just her daughters…too bad (this will make a lovely Christmas card, yes?). My successful bomb even made the photographer, who had just taken 1,998 photos of cruise goers prior to this snapshot, giggle.

Then upon boarding the ship, you must rush to your room and make sure the liquor mouthwash you carefully packed did not get confiscated from luggage (God forbid any money is spent aboard the ship – keeping it low-budget, now!).

My mouth wash tasted like … rum. What a relief.

Next, you must check out the personalized party favors gifted from the gang you’re traveling with…thus finding out where you rank popularity-wise (don’t get your hopes up too high).

Our party received tanks with nick names listed on the back (I loathe wearing matching giddy-ups but these shirts were way cuter than the coordinating fanny packs my teacher made students wear on a 9th grade trip).

We also got personalized, fabulously bedazzled cocktail glass…the only problem is…my name Megan (my drinking reputation obviously preceded my appearance on the ship).

To ease your mother’s mind, send her a picture of yourself to ensure the height of the railings are high enough to prevent you from falling overboard into the sea.

Look Ma, no hands!  It would take way to much effort to go over…plus, I don’t want to get my hair wet.

To make your trip above and beyond entertaining, you should seek out the loudest, crudest, funniest, could give a rat’s ass what you think (one of them went to boat jail before even stepping aboard the ship because she forgot that she had bullets in her purse – true story) ladies to be your cruise BFFs, calling attention to every single thing you do.

The seasoned photo bomber got photo bombed…by a kid.

Having boisterous new pals will make complete strangers come up and want your pictures taken with you.

This is my new friend, who wanted to take her picture with a “crazy girl,” (her words, not mine). She introduced herself as Old Fart.

I also suggest adopting a cruise pet to keep you mind off your little fur ball anxiously awaiting your return home (I MISSED YOU TEDDY!).

I took an adorable pigeon under my drunken wing. I tried coaxing him to fly to my finger by tossing coconut breading his way. He wasn’t buying it.

To really make a famous ass of yourself on a cruise, get tipsy (because it’s raining, you have nothing else to do but drink all day long) and when you’re making your way to the bathroom, stop and dance with a complete stranger (she was having her own fun, so I needed to join in) on the deck. Because all eyes will be on the two of you, be sure you still have your swimsuit on at 10pm for the complete effect and then act as if you’ve never ever danced a step in your entire f’n life (I was going to upload a short video a friend captured on a phone but wanted to save face…and the fee that WordPress wants for video uploading is a tad ridiculous for my use).

Celebrating my dance off. No autographs, please.

All of your dancing nonsense will gain your first place finish in a very special contest. I woke up to this on our cabin door:

Lucky me. I won something!

All in all, if you follow my steps carefully, you will have a hazy recollection of a fun, eventful, laugh ’til you throw up kinda cruise trip. And you really won’t care that you made an ass of yourself (provided you drink all of your liquor mouthwash). Ships ahoy!

CBXB