How to Take Yoga Lessons From Your Pussy

I bust my ass (quite literally) in hot yoga a few times a week. I strategically avoid knocking down my neighbor, trying to perfect a head stand (while secretly hoping no other drop of sweat but my own hits my mat -eeeeeeww!).  When I get antsy and know that my sweaty leg will no doubt hit some poor soul’s head, I wait until I get home to show off for Ted.

Last night after class, I came home to perfect my tri-pod head stand. Little did I know I had my own yoga master under my own roof. While I was showing Mr. Bear my moves, he yawned, made eye contact with me, holding my gaze and slid his back leg up through his two front paws. WTF?!

That's all you can do?

That’s all you can do?

Then when I asked him how in the hell he did the pose, he stretched even further by laying his head down on all three limbs. BITCH! I can barely get my forehead to my knee (he obviously doesn’t get his flexibility from me).

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I’m too tired and you’re too obnoxious to show you my tricks.

When I pleaded with this show off one more time, he simply opened his eyes (I actually think I saw Teddy roll his eyes at me. AT ME!), yawned like a lion and took a nap.

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I can even do this with my eyes shut. Duh.

So there’s how you get your cat to teach you yoga. You don’t.

But this has earned Ted a new nickname – Yogi Bear-a – it’s all he’d answer to last night. Diva!

CBXB

CBXB!

Who Needs Hallmark?

Ah, Valentine’s Day.  So many ways to say you care.  All kinds of ways to rack up $42.00 buying cards.

Skip Hallmark this year and make your own keepsake for anyone that you love (or kinda like).

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Minnie Pearl + Reba + Dolly Crockett +  Elvis = LOVE.

Hosting a recent party, I needed decor but couldn’t spend a small fortune sprucing up my mini manse. I decided that favors masked as decor would be the perfect productions for the party and double as Valentine’s Day treats for my girlfriends.

What you’ll need:

Plain wooden frames you can find at any craft store.

Acrylic paint of your choice.

One piece of scrapbook paper per frame.

Modge Podge (a crafty gal’s BFF)

Small sponge brush

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Frames, Michael’s. $1.00 per each.

To begin, lay down a plastic covering (not paper – trust me on this) over your work space.

lay plastic or some sort of covering on the floor before you get started

Trace outline of the frames onto the decorative paper.

trace outline of frame with pen

Lay the frame down flat and tear along the edges (a ruler can be used in place of the frame when tearing).  The middle can be tricky and I typically cut slants with scisscors to get a section started.

tear on sides

Set paper aside and paint the frames (I use gloves so as not to mess up the mani! Jewels, not tools. OK?).  One thick coat of paint typically does the trick for me because I tend to choose bright colors.  I only paint the front and sides of the wood but you could do the back as well (I have no patience, as it takes longer).

paint paint paint

Once the paint is completely dry, put one thin coat of Modge Podge on the front of the frame.

once paint dry, put on thin coat of modge podge

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Carefully lay the paper onto the frame, starting from the center (this will help alleviate air bubbles) and press down firmly in small circles.

Carefully lay the paper on the frame, starting in the middle, to avoid air bubbles

Once the paper is in position, add another coat of Modge Podge (I use the one with a little glitter, of course) over the entire frame, sealing in all of your hard work.

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Have your frame expert carefully inspect your masterpiece.

Approved?

Set aside to dry or let your cat lay on it

Once frames are completely dry, insert a favorite photo.  Then let friends bask in the glory of their one-of-a-kind artwork (or maybe that’s you basking in your glory of frame making. Whatever).

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Party decor!

Who needs a Hallmark card when you can have a $3 frame labored in love?

CBXB

CBXB!

Thank God for Pilgrims

Aren’t you glad you had pilgrims to sit with, no matter what table you were destined to dine during Thanksgiving?

My sister and I with our Brown Boy cousins, quarantined to the kid’s table, drinking out of our fabulous Care Bear glasses and fashionable, festive holiday hats.

Topics often covered during the meal were knuckle sandwiches (usually whether or not I wanted one), my sister’s love of her “Gaggy” (my dad, although she couldn’t enunciate the “d” sound but she was always thankful for nothing but her “Gaggy”) and who was going to get a Jell-O knox blocks for dessert first.

So while it’s a day for appreciation, I’m thankful for my fellow pilgrims who weathered the children’s table with me every holiday gathering…still to this day.

Hope you’re enjoying the seat at your table, wherever it may be.

Gobble on.

CBXB