Star Spangled Shenanigans

Driving a boat at Lake of the Ozarks

Is a party girl from Tennessee

As cousins gather every Fourth

To be with family

From Jell-O shots

With whipped cream

Constant fights over the mic

To sing karaoke

Trivial Pursuit winners, always reign supreme

From new tattoos

To pool dunks

With drunken dancers around a hunk

Our favorite toy is the aqua bar

That prevents us from floating too far…

And I’m proud to be from my family

Where at least I can be me

And they never, ever let me forget

Just how handy my booty can be

Cousins blowing their muscles up

Next to me

So I won’t cry and feel left out

There ain’t no doubt I love my clan

Thank God for my family!

CBXB

God Bless the USA

Driving a boat at Lake of the Ozarks

Is a party girl from Tennessee

As cousins gather every Fourth

To be with family

From Jell-O shots

With whipped cream

Constant fights over the mic

To sing karaoke

Trivial Pursuit winners, always reign supreme

From new tattoos

To pool dunks

With drunken dancers around a hunk

Our favorite toy is the aqua bar

That prevents us from floating too far…

And I’m proud to be from my family

Where at least I can be me

And they never, ever let me forget

Just how handy my booty can be

Cousins blowing their muscles up

Next to me

So I won’t cry and feel left out

There ain’t no doubt I love my clan

Thank God for my family!

CBXB

How to Substitute Whipped Cream for a Mistletoe

No mistletoe needed.

I became an aunt for the first time this year to the most adorable twins (I know, I know, I’m biased. But seriously – look at them). Immediately upon laying eyes on them for the first time, I understood why aunts get a bad rap for pinching cheeks because all I want to do when I’m around them is maul their brains out.

B and B laugh factory.

My nephew is a lover of a little boy, B – who wants to nuzzle right up into the nook of your neck, making you melt on the spot.

Somebody hug me, squeeze me – now!

And then there’s my niece B – a little girl who loves you when it’s convenient for her (sounds like a true female, doesn’t it?).

Catch me if you can.

One night while reading to my darling nephew, he leaned his head back, looked up into my face and puckered up for what is probably the best kiss I’ll ever get in my life.

This was round two of kissing. And maybe the sweetest moment ever.

Of course, I wanted to get the same kind of lovin’ from my niece during my four-day Iowa stay but she had other ideas. Like flip-flopping around like a fish when I had her cradled on her back, going in for a big, wet smooch.

And then, a moment of sheer genius was mentioned by my sister (who apparently also has to coax affection out of her daughter from time to time)…

I’ll get you my pretty.

One swipe of this sweet deliciousness on little B’s lips was all it took for her to forget that she was avoiding old Auntie CBXB’s affection like the Grinch shunned Christmas.

Coming in for the kill.

Who needs a mistletoe when you have whipped cream?

While I felt a little sneaky, an aunt has to do what an aunt has to do and by god, I was getting a kiss!

Upon hearing of my impending trip to Iowa soon, here were the reactions of my little loves:

He loves me.

She loves me not.

Can you buy whipped cream in bulk?

CBXB

How to Make One Whopper of a Pie

Wouldn’t this be fun to throw in someone’s face? Come a little closer, please.

No good at following recipes?

Don’t know how to turn your oven on?

Here’s a quick, easy, no bake pie to put your mad kitchen skills to work and impress folks with a Whopper Pie.

Impressive, yes?

You need a whopping four ingredients to concoct this masterpiece.

• One store-bought graham cracker crust
• One carton of whipped cream
• 1/2 carton of vanilla ice cream
• 2 boxes of Whoppers

Start by putting all but about 20 Whoppers into a ziploc bag and crush.

Ball bustin’.

I happen to have some sort of kitchen tool that mimics a hammer (I don’t know how in the hell it ended up in my utensil drawer but weirder things have happened…I think).

If you have one of these things, be sure you use the smooth side.

Not the prickly side. Trust me.

In a bowl, combine 1/2 of the carton of ice cream and the entire tub of whipped cream. Stir until smooth (took me and my tiny muscles about one minute to accomplish this).

Add the crushed Whoppers to the creamy mix and stir until well combined.

Pour your masterpiece into the graham cracker crust (and squeal with delight when you realize you’ll have left over ice cream mix).

Be sure to save the empty whipped cream carton so you have somewhere to store the left over whipped Whopper ice cream you just made.

Again, trust me. You want to do this.

Top the pie with the remaining Whoppers, carefully walk (I speak from experience) to your freezer and let sit for about two hours before serving.

Tah Dah!

Then of course, reap all of the accolades thrown your way once you present the Whopper Pie.

I slaved over this pie. For 13 minutes.

Be the hit of your next gathering for about $8.00.

A big whopper of a welcome to you!

CBXB