The Man. The Myth. My Legend.

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Being that he’s often (happily) guest starring in blog posts and it’s his birthday weekend, I’m sharing some of the valuable life lessons that dear old dad passed down.


My dad taught me…

That you should always have your family’s back…


                                       …even if they maul you.

How to throw my hands up in the air…


…and wave them like I just don’t care.

To never leave home…

...without my shades.

                                              …without my shades.

The importance of being able to “blow up” one’s muscles.


                       They keep blowing…


                                              … and blowing…


                                                 …and blowing.

You taught me that pink isn’t just for gals…


         …tough guys wear it too.

That sequins should be in my everyday attire…


     …’cause you gave me the first bedazzled top I ever acquired.

It’s OK to stand out in a crowd…

Dada C-Note

and that giving is better than receiving…

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…unless you’re three and don’t realize it’s not you’re birthday.

The importance of slathering on sunscreen daily…


                      …as long as there’s someone to rub it in for you.

You taught me the significance of jazz hands…


…because you never know when you’ll need to use them.

How to travel on a road trip…


…with rot gut vodka, a plastic cup and using your finger to mix.

Reminding me there’s more than one fish in the sea…


                …especially whenever a boy has been mean to me.

That being the life of the party…


                                          …is never a bad deal…


You taught me that shots…


                     …are cocktails, too.

And the family that shoots together…

Wild Turkey

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Stays together.

                  …stays together.

That it’s important to share…

at the

                 …even while pigging out at the Iowa State Fair.

How to relax…


                                               …after a long day.

You showed me you’d always be there to carry me through hard times…

broken foot

         …with a broken foot…

broken ankle

              …a broken ankle…

                          …and when I’m just too drunk to walk.

You taught me that it’s OK to spoil people…


                          …especially when their nails are wet…

           …as long as you return the favor.

Most importantly, you taught me that not all heroes wear capes…

Not all

…some wear their daughters on their backs.

So let us all raise our glasses today…


…and cheers your birthday away!

Those are just a few of my lessons from…


 The Man. The Myth. The Legend.

Better get those Hawkeye shot glasses out and ready to celebrate this weekend!

Happy Birthday Dada!



How to Be an Anybody on a Red Carpet

If you need a reminder of where you’re at in the food chain, try attending a fancy award show like I did for work a few years ago at the Country Music Awards ceremony (we’re there again this year, too).


An anybody surrounded by major somebodies.

Here’s a little tutorial in being somebody vs. anybody…

If you’re somebody, you get dropped off at the red carpet in a tricked out Chevrolet sponsored event car.

Lady Antebellum, being chauffeured to the red carpet entrance.

If you’re anybody else, you get to park two miles away, fending off a Chatty Cathy parking attendant (who also happens to be from Iowa and wants to talk your face off about it) and make your grand entrance on foot.

Obviously everyone awaiting my arrival.

If you’re somebody, you wait for the photographers to shout your name before appearing on the carpet.

Begging for the celebs.

Shawn Johnson, the retired Olympic gold medalist and Dancing With the Stars alum being cat called from the peanut gallery.

If you’re anybody else, you hide in this hallway while the star you’re accompanying soaks up the flash bulbs.

Where the star wranglers hunker down during red carpet photo moments. This hallway is directly behind the “stand and pose” photo wall.

Being somebody, you don’t need any announcement when you appear on the red carpet. Photographers and fans just know you and shout your name accordingly.

Lisa Marie Presley (yes, that Presley) needs no introductions (and yes, I was dying as I was snapping this photo).

When you’re anybody, your name appears in marker on a clipboard that is held up for the photographers just before you turn the corner to be photographed, ensuring people know who the hell you are.

Courtesy applause for the anybodies, please.

When you’re somebody and you recently got caught stepping out on your high school sweetheart wife, you go to the awards show with her anyway (and they’re since divorced and he’s remarried, which sounds like a sad country love song, doesn’t it?).

Jason Aldean and his now very unforgiving ex.

If you’re anybody else and everyone knows you’re a cheat, you stay at home and watch the awards from your couch in your pajama pants you haven’t taken off for three days, a stale beer and yesterday’s pizza, feeling very remorseful.

My pussy caught in a blatant act of cheating and not giving a fuck.

My pussy caught in a blatant act of cheating and not giving a fuck.

When you’re somebody, you know you look good and work it all the way up and down the red carpet.

Lady Antebellum’s Hillary Scott strikes a pose in a form fitted dress.

Jake Owen pranced around in a leopard blazer that I wanted to rip off his shoulders and keep all to myself (therefore giving him a complex that I was stalking him because I literally took 12 pictures of him down the carpet due to his jacket).

When you’re anybody else, you blog about the perils of what to wear to work the award show.

Does this vest make me look like somebody or just anybody?!

When you’re somebody, you get interviewed live by TV stations.

Tim Allen being interviewed by Evan Farmer of CMT.

When you’re anybody else, you crouch down in the corner ninja-style, trying to stay out of the camera’s shot or you’ll be kicked off the carpet. The horror.

Hiiieeeee! Don't mind me. Just over here taking 4,098,461 photos and maxing my phone's memory out.

Hiiieeeee! Don’t mind me.
Just over here taking 4,098,461 photos and maxing my phone’s memory out.

If you’re somebody, you have no problems finding a plus one to be your date.

Lisa Marie Presley with her hipster hubs make one handsome couple.

When you’re anybody else, you have to hang with all of the other people who are working the show.

Workin’ it with men in uniform. Poor me.

When you’re somebody, you perform on the massive stage.

A CMA Award show stage.

When you’re anybody else, you’re perfectly fine asking a stranger to take your picture in front of it.

Anybody want to take my picture? Anyone? Hello?

When you’re somebody, your entourage follows you up on stage to get you gussied up before the live performance.

Hair, make up and wardrobe folks putting the final touches on Carrie Underwood before her performance.

If you’re anybody else,  you have to take pictures back stage to remember where the bathroom is located, so you can brush your hair and reapply lipstick.

Which way to the ladies?

When you’re somebody, you blow the roof off the joint, then head out to the after party.

Aided by the foggiest fog machine ever and blasting confetti, you would have thought it was New Year’s Eve during Carrie Underwood’s performance.

When you’re just anybody, you get to go and walk the empty red carpet before tearing it down.

Long walk to fame…and I finally arrived.

And then pose like just anybody else while no one calls your name.

**Insert crickets chirping here**

It’s rough trying to be anybody! Wish somebody would have told me.



Weekend Winks – Ghostbusters, Rockstars and Star Wars

Oh Halloween.

How I love the kick off to a long-awaited holiday season, especially when it falls on a weekend.  Oftentimes as a kid, I had multiple costumes for different Halloween parties (the horror of wearing the same thing twice), so I followed my own tradition and mixed it up this year.

Stay Puft mania!

Stay Puft Marshmallow man mania!

My costume was so on point that the TV show The Goldbergs tried to bring back the beloved ’80s Ghostbusters characters only to fail.

Suck it Goldbergs!

Suck it Goldbergs!

As you can see, our group dominated this category. And we did our own costuming.


Ghostbusters done right.

Another Halloween scene called for more comfortable attire, as my crew was going to see a show and I didn’t really want to sweat (let’s be real, I don’t sweat, I glisten) to death (plus, I wanted to pee and the Stay Puft outfit makes you hold it for however long you’re wearing it).

Rock Trio

Lenny Kravitz, Alice Cooper and Kid Rock.

Not to be left out, my fave little chug (chihuahua + pug mix) Precious was an adorable little ladybug.


Most precious lady beetle ever.

Those Iowa twins of mine? They’re obsessed with Star Wars (as all kids I know have been except yours truly…I still don’t get it but whatever).


Yes I know. The cutest fucking Princess Leia and Yoda you’ve ever seen.

Seeing how excited the twins were over their costumes, I decided Ted and I would stay in the same family of sorts and dress up as galaxy characters as well.


October 31st happened to not only be the day of candy collecting but also a game day for my beloved Iowa Hawkeyes, who have yet to lose a game and are ranked #10 in the nation (yeah, that’s right!).  My team was geared up to keep their record pristine against the Maryland Terps (turtles, in case you didn’t know what a terp was because I didn’t know).

Trick or Treat

Ghoulish game day treats.

Teddy Back Bear

Teddy Back Bear enjoying some ribs while still trying to put weight on after his bought with illness.

So….with all of that being said, our touchdown tradition carried on in great force on Saturday!

TD 1

Touchdown celebration #1!

TD 2

Celebration shot #2!

TD 3

Third touchdown is a charm!


Victory is sweet!

Now one of my blogging besties, Mark Bialczak is a fellow Big Ten fan, who cheers on his Maryland Terps. Last year, we had a bet that whomever’s team lost must be featured on the winner’s blog and ….. here he is in all of his loser glory this year!

Terp stew.

A Terp loss means a bottle of wine is needed.

Kinda feeling bad...but let's be real. The Hawks have sucked for years and the T

But how bad do we feel that his other team was the Mets?!

The celebration carried on to my fave Nashville watering hole, Dalts.

Skinny Pirates are my treat!

Skinny Pirates are a treat to my tricks!

Isn’t the day after Halloween the best when you are tallying up your treats?

Loot Round Up

Princess B laying out her line up.

You know my twins Clark and Cousin Eddie are still hanging with Gpa CBXB as Ted is still in weight gaining mode.


A belly big enough for two.

Ted was exhausted from all of the weekend shenanigans (of course) so he made it beyond difficult to do anything the rest of the weekend.

So I didn’t do shit.


Snoozefest 2015.

Here’s hoping you are recovered from any kind of sugar overdose you may have encountered.




May the Force be With You…

The force is strong in our furry family,

give in to the power of the sparkly dark side,


or risk a pissy Princess Pussy’s anger that would reach worldwide.

(insert heavy breathing here)

Happy Halloween!

CBXB and Ted


The Skeletons in My Closet

Growing up (and still today for yours truly), Halloween was the kick-off to a long-awaited holiday season.

I'll cut a bitch

Even at the tender age of three, I’d cut a bitch.

With an assist from my dad.

Letting Dad (you know, the guy who dresses up like Pam Anderson) do all of the carving work because even way back my nails were “jewels, not tools”.

In small Iowa town where I grew up, we had costume parties at school and church (when you used to be able to call it a Halloween party complete with witches and bats, instead of a bland Fall Festival with scarecrows and hay bales – why are there fun haters? Why?), parades to prance proudly down our eight block Main Street (where every single one of the 1,200 citizens seemed to show up) and so much trick-or-treating mania, I’d have to come home halfway through the evening just to dump my candy (hiding it all from my dad in the dryer or it’d be gone by morning) because my pumpkin got so overloaded, it was too heavy for me to carry.


Forget my adorableness for one second – what about the clown behind #165?


Spectator sport for the entire town.

In my younger years, I carried the burden of celebrating Halloween by myself and being a lone Cookie Monster got frustrating.

Ho Hum

One is the loneliest number.

Begging my parents to procreate, I was presented with my sister (you know, the one who called my dad a goddamn son of a bitch at the age of four) who was immediately awarded with side kickin’ it as my lifetime partner-in-crime (lucky her). If I was going to be dressing up (oftentimes making an ass out of myself in later years) she was going to be doing it too, by god (town parades included).

In the beginning of our twosome, we were all about cutesy costumes.

Sugar'n' Spice

The rock star and Raggedy Ann. A little sugar for my spice.

The ‘cute’ theme seemed to carry on in our early years.  Except for the tilt in our heads…and the fog in the background…and the overall sinisterness of this photo.

Creepy Hollow

Cute masked crusaders in Creepy Hollow.

As we grew older, I wanted a little edge (well as much edge as an elementary kid and toddler could muster) to our giddy ups. I let my young inner badass out, as my sister scared the pants off no one.

very busy

That’s right. I was hardcore even in elementary school.

We slid slightly into the ghoulish department as my sister joined me in grade school.

Scardey Crow

Scaredy crow and premature mini old man. Almost spine-chilling. Almost.

Then I graduated to truly frightening and fearful territory as I crept toward junior high.  Pebbles was not impressed.


I’m also starting to wonder if there was any other color of hair paint than green, since that tends to be a trend here.

When we thought we were oh so grown up, our costumes reflected our mature attitudes.

Lady and the Tramp.

Lady and the Tramp. Or Princess and Sock Hop Girl…however you want to look at it.

We were reminded in following years just how far from adults we were…especially yours truly. A recycled mask and costume from a previous Halloween hid my “I’m way too old for this shit” attitude toward trick-or-treating when I was forced to go with my younger sister.

Barley a Boo

I can’t tell who’s more excited – the monster or the witch.

And being older we’re not so much cute, cuddly or even scary creatures…we’re just mostly cocktailed.


The odd couple. Pocahontas and Kid Rock.

Now that we’re miles apart during the costuming time of year, it’s fun to look back at our sisterly ghosts of Halloween’s past. But what’s even more fun is seeing her twin goblins growing to love the holidays as much as she and I did as kids.

Scary season #1.


Permanent partners-in-crime.

Scary season #2.

I know, I know. The cutest fucking dog and cat you've ever seen.

I know, I know.
The cutest fucking cat and dog you’ve ever seen.

As we’re on the eve of Halloween, you should take a look at the old skeletons in your closet.

You aren’t a fraidy cat, are you?



National Pussy, er…Teddy Bear Day

It’s National Cat Day folks.

This is the biggest holiday of my year (don’t judge) as most of you know just how cuckoo for fucking Cocoa Puffs I am about my pussy, Teddy B.  He’s the yin to my yang. The side to my kick. The “me” to my “ow”.   So in a dire attempt to make my furball love me all the more, I present you with an ode to the best bear on the planet…


Oh Ted you bring so much joy and good cheer,

Even when your piercing looks could kill.

Image 7

Always a sport when I dress you up,

Image 28

You never lose your cool when the costume fucks up.

Image 10

Cinco de Teddy was a highlight one year and

while I was sure we had matching sombreros,

Image 2

I’m pretty sure you were trying to figure out

how to pierce my heart with an arrow.

Image 1

Bunny ears aren’t your favorite as you made very clear,


So I made you a pirate, in which (I kinda think) you revered.

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Today is your day and in honor of you,

I will break out my finest kit cat attire.

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I’ll be sure to slip on your favorite tie  –

before you try to murder me by hire.

Image 1

The night will be yours to do as you please.

Whether it includes Skinny Pirates, shots of Jell-O,

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or your favorite vino to help you chill and be mellow.


 We were both beyond blue

when New Cat passed suddenly this year.

New Cat

Although beyond annoying, we’re heartbroken he permanently left our crew.

Kitty Love

Celebrate you we will with all kinds of fun,

Image 24

As my Earth tends to revolve around your sun.

Image 14

Happy Teddy Bear Cat Day to all of our furiends!



Weekend Winks – a Fat Ass, Sports and a Party

CBXB invaded Kansas City this past weekend to visit Scooby and Mr. Scooby in the event of a Halloween par-tay!


How besties pick up besties at the airport.

You know how else loves of my life fulfill me? By picking up every single container of Anderson Erickson party dip (’cause I can’t get it in Nashville) so I could eat my weight in chips and dip over the weekend.

How besties prep for fat ass bestie's arrival.

How besties prep for fat ass bestie’s arrival.

And this immediately happened upon entrance into their apartment.

I was already on my second carton.

Already on my second carton.

While Scoobs was still on his first bottle of wine.

Slow guzzle.

Slow guzzling is an embarrassment.

Being full on dip and wine, we thought it was a fabulous idea to go play sports because this is our area of expertise we needed a laugh.

Gay golfers.

Gay golfers on the prowl.

My technique failed me.

My multi-tasking technique failed me.

While non of us will be joining any sort of golfing league, PGA tour or country club anytime soon, we sure looked k-ute playing, didn’t we?

Foursome fun!

Foursome fun!

Speaking of fun, what about my Iowa twins visiting preschool already? Preschool?!?!

Preschool visit. Sniff.....sniff...

Shit’s getting real seeing this little lady bug and monkey growing up.

Taking their visit seriously, it was all reading after the school visit.

Brushing up on their reading skills, so excited! Books in a basket.

Books, baskets and a dog in dire need of a brush.

While Prince and Princess B were busy educating themselves, I was engaged in unpacking my precious costume cargo.

Shoving shit into my suitcase.

In need of some Halloween TLC.

The games began as the stuffing process commenced, which took a nice long hour to finish.


Definitely not a beauty this Halloween – went for the beast.

Arriving to the party with over 20 pounds of quilt batting between my skin and the outside world, I had to take a few breathers outside to catch my breath. And the age range at this party was from about 18 to 70, so not only did folks get I was the Stay Puft Marshmallow man from Ghostbusters, some dumb fucks thought I was the Pillsbury Doughboy.

No, I'm not the fucking Pillsbury doughboy you young funk!

And dumb dumber fucks thought I was the fucking Michelin Man.

But I think our foursome nailed it!

Who ya gonna call?!

Who ya gonna call?!

Naturally I needed assistance with my gulping because my arms wouldn’t make it up to my face, as they were overly stuffed.

Assisted drink.

Mr. Scooby is hired as my drinking assistant.

Prince and Princess B greeted Sunday with my exact sentiments.

Just as tired as this marshmallow.

Just as tired as their auntie marshmallow.

As soon as I landed in Nashville, I nestled down with my favorite pussy.


Ted proclaiming his Halloween piece.

Here’s hoping the rest of your week is filled with spooks and spirits!