How to Be a Fictitious Rich Bitch

Do you have any idea how tough it is to show up to work and be requested to ride in a Rolls-Royce?

Do you?

Rough ride in the Rolls Royce...

My chariot of the morning.

And, I assume you also have no clue how to carry on the facade of wealth while inside the insanely pimp ride. You must dress the part, of course – complete with riding gloves and a sparkly skull pinkie ring.

I'm rich, Bitch.

I’m rich, Bitch.

Oh Daaahling, do you know how good your feet feel when placed upon furry, plush, cashmere floor mats?

Cashmere Dahling!

Not a feature in your Ford Focus?

Can you imagine how difficult it is steering a wheel that probably costs as much as your college education?

Wheelin' and dealin'

Could most likely be hawked for a small house.

Do you have any idea how hard it is to read a proper clock in an automobile? Do you?

blah blah

Who needs digital?

Now you know the difficulties of trying to appear like a rich, high profile person (and pretending to conceal said richness) while traveling in a Rolls.

You’re welcome.

How high maintenance can this rich bitch be?

Not smiling makes you look wealthier, right?

The drive home from work is going to be oh-so-ordinary tonight but that’s nothing a Skinny Pirate can’t fix.

First world problems are such a bitch.

CBXB

CBXB!

My Pussy Purrfector

Every morning, the furry little love of my life likes to help transform me from blurry eyed to bushy-tailed (and trust me, it takes a lot of work).

Since we are all well aware of his flawless purrfection, Teddy dictates my morning makeup routine, whipping my face into presentable shape.

Maybe it's Maybelline

Easy, breezy, beautiful, Cover Cat.

The process begins with Ted using my vanity as his own personal aerobics studio (I mean, it is mirrored and naturally he loves looking at himself while emulating Richard Simmons in Sweatin’ to the Oldies), prancing around all of my accessories, making it next to impossible for me to see the mirror I so desperately need to use.

Mirror block

Cat blocking the mirror.

Upon completion of his workout (and once he’s wasted 14 seconds of my precious morning routine), he tip toes over my eye liners to catch some rays.

Feels so good when it hits the face.

Feels so good when it hits the face.

When his sunbathing is over, Tedstar promptly sets out in selecting my eyeshadow for the day.

Hmm...

Hmm…

Once we’ve agreed on a hue, he oh-so-carefully directs me in its application.

Yeah, that looks good.

Easy on the eye there, Ma!

Approved

Pussy approved face.

All of the energy exerted for his five second workout, basking in the sun and project management of making my face presentable takes a toll and TB tends to fall asleep standing up.

So tiring being a makeup artist.

Being pretty is exhausting.

Getting a quick second wind after a two minute cat nap, Mr. Ted E. Bear moves on with the rest of his day as I dress for work.

This starts by lounging on my glittery pink hamper. Which is the exact spot I will find Mr. Handsome in when I come home from a long day.

Beautification complete.

Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful.

As you can see being your mother’s beauty director every morning is a daunting task. But being a perfect pussy is obviously much harder work.

Just look at Ted.

CBXB

CBXB!

My Cheatin’ Heart

My cheatin’ heart

May make Ted weep

He’ll meow and meow

Ruining my beauty sleep

My cheatin' heart...

A face worth cheating over?

His claws will come out

Aiming for my face

But I will hide

Behind this chug’s cute face

Presh

The look of a love affair.

My cheatin’ heart

May be the death of me

But I won’t tell Ted

if you promise not to…

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For the Love of a Snow Day

Living in Nashville, winter has brought on a whole new experience when it comes to weather.

The city is currently almost completely shut down (the mayor has asked everyone stay off the roadways for the past three days) due to inches of ice on roads and temperatures below freezing, topped with new fallen snow.

Lacking appropriate snow accessories.

The snowcessories most Tennesseans use to clear their cars (maybe minus the Captain).

While this seems piddly compared to what other Americans are experiencing to our north, this slight winter weather halts an entire city, as there is a lack of city equipment to care for the roads, citizens can hardly handle driving in the rain, let alone freezing precipitation and quite frankly, current weather conditions happen about once every 15 years.

90 minute workout

It was a 90 minute workout and half a tank of gas to get my car de-iced yesterday.

And while businesses, schools and folks everywhere are turning into Jack Nicholson from The Shining due to cabin fever, I find myself feeling sorry that the city is shut down due to ice, not snow. Because snow days are fun. Snow days are for play.

Being from the Midwest, it was a very rare treat to get your ass out and actually play in the snow when you were supposed to be sitting in a social studies class.

I'm a lotta help. But I look cute.

Helping Dad shovel the sidewalk. The broom was a big help.

Growing up in rural Iowa, no one batted an eye when several inches (or feet) of snow, high winds and freezing temperatures were included in the forecast for the next day. No one rushed home early from work clogging up the streets, made a mad dash to the grocery stores buying all of the milk and bread in sight and no one abandoned their vehicles on the side of the road due to the frozen flakes falling from the sky (as people tend to do in my current state of Tennessee).

Anytime winter weather is in the forecast, the South freaks the fuck out.

No shit.

Bread and milk aisles in Nashville when snow is in the forecast.

Where I grew up, school was never, ever cancelled the night before predicted winter weather – which often included blizzards, sleet, hail, ice accompanied by subzero temperatures and wind chills (in Tennessee, entire counties and districts will call off school if any meteorologist utters the word “snow” during the weather segment).

Getting a snow day in Iowa was about as possible as Martians landing in the community park.

I DON'T WANT SNOWFLAKES IN MY EYES.

I wish I may, I wish I might, please let the snowfall cancel school for my delight.

So it was a rare treat when the phone (that was connected to the kitchen wall – oh the good ‘ol days) would ring in the wee hours of the morning announcing that school was cancelled (mostly because the buses couldn’t make the trip to get kids in the country).  Instead of sleeping one moment more, my sister and I got our asses out of bed like it was Christmas morning, adorned ourselves in all kinds of snow gear and headed out to play in the wonderland of white (usually with our cousins, who lived right across the street).

It takes this kind of snow to shut down schools in Iowa.

This kind of snow won’t merit a school snow day in Iowa.

Documented below is one of the funnest snow days in history (well, my history).

First we got to sled in the road, which felt like we were breaking all kind of societal rules.

The dog.

How ’bout my mom’s shit kickers? So warm in subzero temperatures.

Second, my sister and I built snowmen complete with cute, cozy accessories (mine came off of my body).

Sacrificing my warmth for a fashionable snow man...or maybe snow gal with the pink stocking hat.

Sacrificing my warmth for a fashionable snowman, naturally.

Then my cousins, the Morris boys, thought it would be a good idea to dig through the snow to Timbuktu.  I would rather have made snow angels and bedazzle my handmade snow creatures but of course I agreed to help excavate (as I had a cute shovel I wanted to put to use – and by I, I mean my cousin Derek. Let’s remember my fingernails are jewels, not tools).

Can we live here?

Can we live here?

I thought it was nothing short of a winter miracle when my dad and Uncle Lewis came out to play with us, constructing a snow fort out of a drift in my backyard, complete with a tunnel – diverting the dig to faraway lands (thank GOD – I was getting tired of being the project manager).

All these years later, I long for a true snow day to build (well, rather sit on my ample derriere and watch my cousins, dad and uncle construct) a fort.

But then again, I live in a state that has snow days with no snow.

Anyone want to road trip it to Iowa?

C’mon!

CBXB

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Weekend Winks – Ice, Ice Baby

Who says Friday the 13th is bad luck?

Be mine or else...

Be my bloody Valentine or else…

Friday, I stopped by my fave watering hole Dalts to learn that I’d won the Superbowl pool, as I happened to bet on just the perfect box.

Not all that unlucky...

Skinny Pirates for everyone!

While I was rolling in the dough, Princess B was putting the finishing touches on her Valentine in frigid Iowa.

Busy working on her heart.

I know, I know. We have a mini Picasso on our hands.

I found myself busy chalking up more sideways glances than a Brian Williams statement in my crazy cat lady giddy up, prancing around Nashville in my day of love sweater.

Who love me? Meow.

Who love me? Meow.

Valentine’s Day seemed to exhaust Prince and Princess B who could only muster a nap in their bouncy ball house.

Love is exhausting.

Yes, my family has its very own Elsa.

But love was all around the mini manse when Dada CBXB appeared and New Cat mauled him all afternoon.

Kitty love.

Kitty love.

Maybe it was because New New could smell the tasty burgers in which we’d just stuffed our faces.

Sundays taste so good.

Always keeping it classy.

The twins got to attend their first Iowa Hawkeyes basketball game on Sunday and they couldn’t contain their excitement…

Feed me.

…for popcorn.

On the other hand, I was busy tending to more important matters as ice was in the forecast for Nashville.

WINE! ICE! SNOW! HELP!

Who needs bread and milk? I stick to the necessities, people!

Being that I live in the 90210 of Nashville (the outskirts – but still) I was thrilled to see this lady gussied up in her finest fur, while keeping it relaxed in the sneakers and low budget on the vodka.

Ice prep.

Priorities.

And this morning, the ice had arrived in thick droves.

The ice arrived.

Frozen.

Because I live in a region of America where we have two snow plows and zero winter weather preparation (in a city with a population close to one million) all of Nashville is enjoying an Oprah moment.

SNOW DAY.

Except it’s hard to make a snowman out of ice.

But I must say, snuggling down between the sheets with my favorite pussy hasn’t sucked at all.

Working from home.

Except Ted keeps trying to dictate my emails.

So while I have Captain, wine and more Captain to keep my belly warm, I sense this might be an issue in the next three to four hours…

BAD MOM

One scoop with two cats to feed.

I may wake up with half of my face eaten off tomorrow morning, which would serve a cray cray cat lady right.

Paws crossed that doesn’t happen…

CBXB

CBXB!

 

Seductive Skinny Spaghetti

Looking to wow the pants off your Valentine while not feeling like a beached whale?

Avoid the bloated feeling that accompanies over consumption of traditional pasta by substituting noodles with spaghetti squash.  Yes, I said substitute pasta with a vegetable.

I thought this was a ridiculous idea until I tried it (as I was looking for ways to keep my skinny jeans buttoned) and realized that I could do without the over processed ingredient .

Skinny Sketti

Here’s what you’ll need:

  • One Spaghetti squash – I had to ask where the hell they were located at my grocery
  • Choice of meat (if desired)
  • Your favorite Italian sauce (I use canned – but low sodium!)
  • Choice of cheese (if your heart beats for dairy like mine does.)
blah

This is what the vegetable I had no idea existed looks like.

Prep:

  • Preheat the oven to 350 degrees.
  • Microwave the squash for about a minute.  This will make it loads easier to cut and save your hand strength for opening that tightly sealed jar of sauce (that I have to ask the grocery clerk to open for me before I leave the damn store because I have zero hand strength).
  • Cut the substitution spaghetti lengthwise.

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  • Once cut, scoop the seeds out of the middle .
fork or spoon

If you forget this step (as I ALWAYS do) you can remove after cooking – no worries.

Slippery Sucker

Be sure to hold on tight because squash are slippery little suckers.

  • Once seeds have been removed, place halves on a cooking sheet.
  • Bake for 45 minutes to an hour, depending on the size of your gourd.

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  • Cool for a few minutes and use a fork to create noodles.

blah

  • Place your ‘spaghetti noodles’ in a bowl.

Spaghetti Sizzle

  • While your sketti is baking start on the non-strenuous sauce by pouring it in a pan and adding your choice of veggies and/or meats.
Free Bird

Typically, I add FreeBird chicken breast strips that can be found at Whole Foods (low in sodium and calories).

  • Mix sauce and cooked meat, bring to a boil.

blah

Once complete, serve immediately with or without cheese.

Voila!

Due to the non-pasta spaghetti, I treat myself with a handful of mozzarella on top.

This cheesy version of sexy spaghetti will cost $10 (more or less depending on the meat), is gluten-free and has about 260 calories, 20 carbs and 11 grams of sugar overall per serving.

Just might wow the pants off of your Valentine!

Use reduced fat cheese to keep it on the ‘skinny’ side.

Now get out there in all your skinny glory and seduce someone.

CBXB

CBXB!