How to Almost Burn Down a Mini Manse

I’m a woman of many talents.

I photobomb like it’s my career, my dainty laugh makes 80-year-old men want to fight me,  I have a knack for getting strange dudes to send me dick pics and I’m on the brink of being Nashville’s cray cray cat lady.  However, I recently uncovered a new ability of mine when I almost burned my entire apartment complex to the ground with a microwave and a glittery paper plate.

All that glitters is not gold. It's more of an orange color with a yellow tint that when combined together create a blaze.

All that glitters is not gold.
It’s more of an orange color with a yellow tint that when combined together create a blaze.

It all started with these gorgeous red paper plates, rimmed in silver sparkles because an ordinary white hue was all too normal for me to purchase.

Of course I had to have them.

Food tastes better when combined with glitter, yes?

Maybe it was because I had five one too many Skinny Pirates the night before but I thought it was a good idea to throw the shimmering piece of flimsy cardboard into the microwave in order to heat up chicken fingers (also from the previous evening that may or may not have sat on the counter all night long).

Don't worry. I'm sure I have at least 22 brain cells left.

Don’t worry.
I’m sure I have at least 22 brain cells left.

Upon closing the appliance door and setting the timer for 30 seconds, I stepped away from the kitchen, distracted by one of New Cat’s many attempts to commit suicide by sitting on the banister of my second balcony porch.

No energy to thwart suicide attempts by New Cat.

Thinking long and hard about how rough he has it in my mini manse. Fucker.

In the mere seconds I was away rescuing my idiot pussy, something started happening in the microwave.

A stench started to quickly fill the air.

By the time I got back to the kitchen, flames were bursting through the microwave door as the timer counted down to zero.

For a moment, all I could think about was the loss of my chicken tenders. My hungover ass then snapped out of it and flung the door of the appliance open to find a smoldering, disintegrating plate with burnt to a crisp pieces of poultry attached to it.

So glitter doesn't warm well.

So…… sparkles don’t warm well.

Mourning the loss of my food like broken high heel, I was further pissed off thinking that the manufacturer of this piece of shit plate didn’t list any danger warnings about putting a metallic glitter plate into the microwave for all of the dumb asses out there who apparently don’t know foil starts on fire in a microwave like yours truly.

Then I turned the crispy plate over.

WARNING

I may have missed something here.

Once I realized I wasn’t even close to being the most mediocre genius on the planet, my feelings of grief were geared toward the loss of my beloved red (because white is too normal) microwave that now smelled like a year-long bonfire had taken place inside and ceased to run properly.

Um...

The not so sparkly remnants of a small kitchen fire.

Much to my hungover delight, Target (my mothership) had a shiny red appliance just waiting for me on the store shelf later that day.

Forced to invest in a new appliance.

It’s a kitchen miracle.

Forced to utilize my lingering brain cells, I tried to figure out how to unplug the old glitter cooker from behind the refrigerator without having to move the 250 lb unit.

Not going well.

This might as well have been brain surgery.

You guys, it’s hard being a blonde with so many talents.

Help.

Help.

Who wants to come over for a fancy chicken tenders dinner and watch me put my new microwave to use tonight?

Don’t worry, I got new glitter plates.

CBXB

CBXB!

 

23 thoughts on “How to Almost Burn Down a Mini Manse

  1. Glad you’re OK, but WHO KNEW glitter wouldn’t work in the microwave? That’d be the kind of thing I’d do, except for the CHICKEN fingers, of course. I’d be heating up some tofu lol

  2. But how was the chicken with the extra smoky flavor?

  3. Nancy says:

    You are a regular Betty Crocker/Alice in Wonderland. Love beginning and ending photo of you!

  4. SerachShiro says:

    I’m happy that you’re alright and nothing else happened to your mini-manse, great that you have a new one and it’s a pity that you’re to fare otherwise we could share a chicken meal and a Skinny Pirate 🙂 !

  5. I’m surprised Teddy doesn’t push Newy off the railing and claim it was an accident. The new microwave looks great. I had no idea those plates could cause such a cat-astrophe.

  6. JMC813 says:

    A red and black microwave. That right there is just a big ass F-YEAH. Favorite color scheme of yours truly for sure. Keep rockin CBXB and no more metallic objects in the nuclear generator please. LOL

  7. Kavalkade says:

    I’m sending Stevie stat!

  8. Kavalkade says:

    Can I have the best picture you have of your dad in college or nfl football uniform?

  9. […] This is thought to be because of the pleasing nature of the Viking invaders large swords. […]

  10. Chicken tenders and fireworks, priceless! I’m there.

  11. Kavalkade says:

    Howdy, Ma’am.

    Lili pointed out to me that you appeared to be transporting yourself across state lines for the purpose of evading customs and/or importing/exporting prohibited fruits and/or veggies.

    The pink sniffing dog triggered when we approached the car, and this is what was found.

    What do you have to say for yourself, little missy?

    http://wp.me/p3NHOl-63N

  12. reocochran says:

    You make me laugh out loud at your antics and hope someday to see you on a sit-com! Smiles!

  13. markbialczak says:

    Microwaveable Tupperware, my dear Megan! Pretty please and thank you so I don’t have to worry about Up in Flames?

Holla at me!

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